This Guys Journey

The Speed of Life

2011-04-08T21:34:00.001-04:00

Wow-wee! It has been a whirl wind of a month, and lots has happened that's for sure! I was thinking about redesigning my blog, giving it a new facelift for the spring (which is why it has been down) but life got the better of me...
My baby sister (well not so much a baby, she 29 and only 10 months younger than me) had her first baby, a baby girl weighing 6lbs 11 oz on March 22nd at 9:48pm. I was at the hospital with the rest of my family waiting patiently for little Elaina Lillian to arrive. 12 hours later... LOL She was dilated but never really got the urge to push, the doctor finally broke her water at 2:30pm but still never felt that "pushing" urge... Around 9pm things started to speed up and all the males ran out of the delivery room!

I've gone and got a few parts for my car in the past week or two, things you can't buy off the shelf like a new knob for the radio and a new heat vent to replace a cracked on. It doesn't sound like much fun waking through a sea of ghostly cars but I am like a kid in a candy store! Its pretty exciting, almost like finding gold, but kind of eerie seeing cars such as my own that were once loved but now forgotten, however everything is running in perfect condition and I can't wait for the first sunny day when I can put the top down and go for a cruise - I think that day is going to be tomorrow! :)
Other wise everything is great, I've got some great new blankets and crochet patters that I've been working on for the new baby and for my Niece Ksenia and Nephew Quinn. I'm happy to say too that we've been slowly patching things up with my other sister and Dad. It feels nice to get the family back together... We're taking things slowly.
The past belongs in the past; I'm not one to hold on to it, and to painfully relive the bad memories... Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? Live evolves, new friends become old friends, some broken bonds and reformed and the mending process begins and you forgive. That's life. How sad that some have to life in the past - not a life for me though...
We'll its 9:30 and I have an early day tomorrow so we are tucking in early, if I can get Ben away from his paintings.
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

Sacred Sunday...

2010-11-07T21:00:00.000-05:00

For as long as I can remember, Sundays have been my families Sacred day... Over the years the dynamic has certainly changed; with both devastating loss and wonderful gain, I have a new family now, and am slowly starting to feel like a whole person once again.

I had lunch with my sister Leslie and her husband Fred a few Sundays ago at one of her and my most favourite spots; an amazing winery in Vineland, Ontario, Canada called "Featherstone".

The setting is a century old farm house nestled in the middle of a vineyard. It's an all organic farm so no pesticides are used - instead sheep and goats roam the field clearing away unwanted weeds, adding fertilizer and sneaking a few grapes here and there I'm sure!

Here is a view from the porch, where lunch and wine are served:

We had way too much food, far too much wine - and I had alot of sun that week, so I was certainly feeling it!

Found roaming the farm was a cat named "Bocci". At first we thought he was just an old senile cat; he was stumbling around when we first arrived, then we found him sleeping in a potted plant when we left... We quickly realized that he must have been drunk, just trashed outta his mind. Here is his cat house:

How drunk is this friggen cat everyday?

Have a great week.
Embrace your Journey
Bret xoxo

I'm back!

2010-10-25T10:29:00.005-04:00

Okay.... I know you've all heard that before, but I am back!

We are entering the wonderful season of Fall over here on the Northern Hemisphere and I've begun to feel the itch to crochet, make fabulous pots of teas and blog! I've found a few motivators... My sister and a very good friend are both pregnant; due the end of December and the end of March - time to get those crochet hooks out! Also, I bought a new laptop and boy is it cute! :)

I bought a HP Envy 14. It's beautiful, 14" HD screen, with a keyboard that lights up, here is a picture:

Now here is one of the back lit keyboard (a feature I never thought I would use - but I love it!):

Now I am excited for my blogging time! :)

I should be going now, off to put in a load of laundry, make a cup of tea and catch up on some blogs! :)
Until then, embrace the journey!
Bret xoxo

Mrs. B's 31 Days of Halloween

2010-10-02T08:46:00.004-04:00

OUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

I'm back and just in time for Mrs. B's 31 Days of Halloween.

Check out her blog by clicking the button at the top left of my blog, or click on the banner below!

She has some amazing give aways, everyday for the month of October!

Embrace your Halloween Journey ;)

Bret xoxo

ACK!

2010-09-19T00:18:00.005-04:00

That's how I feel sometimes... I don't know how you all have the dedication and commitment to your blogs; dedication I very much desire! I always make a pact with myself to write more, but it just never happens... Whats your secret? What will motivate me? Share, please share! LOL I think I have to realize that not all of my posts need to be "epic" or thoughtful - sometimes I just have mindless wanderings I should put down on paper....

As much as I don't want too, back to laundry - then caulking the seal in the shower!
Embrace the Journey,
Bret xoxo

3 years...

2010-08-11T22:49:00.005-04:00

It has been three years since I lost my Mom to cancer.

Three years, and I can't explain how or why it feels like yesterday; should I?

Today I cried, remembered, laughed and cried some more. Tears feel good, for some reason; maybe by design. I still feel that emptiness in my chest, as if both my lungs and heart weren't there, just for a split second, gone.

I spent some time with my sister tonight, shes really the only family I have left. I guess in a way we are orphans. Leslie is pregnant, we found out about 4 weeks ago, shes only 6 weeks along. I feel saddened that my new niece or nephew is deprived of an amazing grandmother. Again, I will do my best to fill that void - out come the crochet hooks and my sewing machine; I've already started to make receiving blankets and granny squares. A void that is impossible for me to fill, I miss my Grams too. What I would give just to be curled up in her lap, quietly.

I'm sad, but tomorrow is a new day, just breathe....

Embracing the journey
Bret xoxo

Garage Sales with Boho

2010-07-14T22:30:00.010-04:00

Every Saturday morning, Boho Mom and I crawl out of bed at 6am (in separate beds - don't get any ideas...), throw on some comfy clothes, run a tooth brush around, and set out on our Garage Sale Trek. Our first stop is Tim Hortons, because Boho Mom doesn't function without 3.8 gallons of Coffee in the morning, and I can barely get my eyes open with out a jug of Earl Grey Tea, sometimes we even swing back around for a refill...

This week we found some pretty great stuff!

I hit the jackpot when I found this cute Dora the Explorer Swing Back Chair for my niece Ksenia. She is obsessed with everything Dora right now. I got it for a steal at $5. I was also able to find her 3 of the Leap Frog learning systems, with about 30 different books and cartridges. I got those all for $5 as well. She was really excited when I dropped them off, her little face lit up and she screamed "I Love Dora!!!".

I got a few things for myself too. I found a Conair bath spa. A big mat that sits at the bottom of the bath tub, which hooks up to an air hose and machine that adds bubbles and jets into the bath. It is amazing. I was in the bath last night for an hour before bed.

Boho found some amazing wood benches. They were a solid dark wood, 10 feet long and beautiful. We both imagined them in her space, holding books, pillows, picture frames and other knickknacks. Sadly, they wouldn't fit in my car, even with the top down! We're both still a little upset that she missed out on such a great find! However she did find some great stuff. She found one of those micro fibre cube seats with great storage inside, and a very cool retro silver lamp with lime green shade!

(after unloading our 1st hour of saling)

I love my Saturday mornings with Boho, she is such an amazing friend. I really feel like I can tell her anything, and I do. I met Boho about 10 years ago; her now almost adult hatchling was only 4 years old, and oh so cute! Since then Boho has been a trusted confident and has made me pee my pants from laughing so hard countless times! I can't wait until next Saturday when we set out again to find some amazing stuff!

Until then, embrace the Journey

Bret

Catching UP!

2010-01-17T09:24:00.006-05:00

Catching up.... Ketchup.. Get it?? lol

I can't figure out if Sunday is meant for relaxing at the END of a long busy week, or for preparing for the START of another long and busy week. Any Ideas?

Either way today is Sacred Sunday, and I plan to barricade myself in the kitchen and immerse myself in some traditional cooking.

I found a wonderful fresh, free range organic Turkey before Christmas, however with the business of the holidays I ended up freezing it. This morning I hauled its ass out of the deep freeze and presently it is thawing in the kitchen sink. I plan on whipping up some roasted garlic mashed potatoes, stuffing and lemon meringue pies as well.

I enjoy being in the kitchen (maybe a little too much), but ever since my Mom instilled me with her supreme cooking skills, and my Grandmother taught me her secret pie dough recipe I can't seem to tear myself away from the exciting whirl of a blender, or the pleasure of opening an oven to reveal a perfectly baked pie.

So now I am off to the groceries store, I have a few things to pick up before I am ready to put the Turkey and pies in the oven. Stay tuned, I will post some pictures tonight of my baking and cooking endeavours. Until then, check out 2 of my favourite bloggers who making cooking seem easy!

Suzie the Foodie - From cookies to turkeys. Suzie has some amazing dishes to check out.

Memoirs of a Meatless Year - Some of my favourite Vegetarian recipes are right here! Check out her Cashew Curry!

Embrace the Journey,

Bret

Where the HELL have I been?

2010-01-03T12:12:00.002-05:00

It has been a few crazy months and too be honest; I've really missed the blogging world. It seems that every time I sit down to write or visit I am distracted by something else. I have about 10 half written blog posts that are still in the draft stage... One of my new years resolutions is too write more, I miss the creative outlet for my thoughts. Luckily we've been snowed in with the blast of Winter weather we've received in the past couple of days.
So.... Just a quick update while I think of something more interesting to write about. I'm off to visit everyone now! ;)

Embrace the Journey
Bret

Tearing down walls...

2009-10-25T04:15:00.004-04:00

I really don't like being away from my blog and all of you for so long! As many of you know my laptop crashed and my access to the internet has been limited these past few months. As my cash is better spent on car repairs and such I haven't had the funds to replace my worn out laptop as of yet. I'm hoping to be back and running in the next month or two. I have to admit, although I've really missed my blogging friends (even tho I've been lurking when I get the chance) I've really enjoyed not being stuck on the couch in front of my TV and laptop especially since life has been so busy these past couple of months.

I've started a new job, I was working for Apple Computers, doing technical support for the iTunes application and iTunes accounts, and now I am back working in kind of an electrical/industrial atmosphere. I am working in the warehouse of one of my old electrical suppliers, its quite the change from my cushy purchasing job but I was really excited for the opportunity since it payed a bit better than Apple and has many more areas that I can climb the ladder there. I'm even getting use again to wearing steal toed safety boots, my feet ached for the first 2 weeks, and still kinda do. I have to start being cautious as to what I ask of the universe, I really wanted a more physically demanding job, but this has taken some time to get use too!

So life has been good, and I've been smiling again, its been a while...

It's 4:30 am now, and the end of a long day - think we are going to head to bed ;)

We're going to carve up some pumpkins tomorrow night and roast up the seeds, hopefully I can procure a camera and get some funny pics! (Another thing I need to get - a new camera - I feel naked with out it. Ya scary thought, I know...)

Anywho, hope you all have been well.
I've sincerely missed regularly following your blogs even tho I have gotten the chance to pop in a visit a few times. I'll be back up and running soon I hope!

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

...life

2009-09-10T21:44:00.002-04:00

It's been a particularly rough "Mercury in Retrograde" for me. More and more things have gone wrong with my car, my cell phone quit working, my laptop is toast, and I have this general sense of coming unglued at the seams... I keep looking forward, leaving the small obstacles I encounter in the past where they belong, but its difficult to keep my head up. Increasingly more difficult everyday.

I sometimes forget how precious and delicate life is, things I should be grateful for seem to get drown out by the bitter betrayals of life and easily forgotten.

I was in Food Basics tonight, a local grocery store, when I had turned around for a loaf of bread and noticed a woman in a wheelchair with her back to me. Her son was helping her find some buns on the top shelf. From behind the woman resembled my mother, a delicate frail body with the same shade of red in her hair. I had to turn and walk away, leaving behind the bread, my eyes welled up with tears.

I quickly scrambled to gather the rest of my essential groceries and wait in line to check out. I turned around quickly startled by a shattering jar in the distance and behind me was the woman in the wheelchair. I noticed she was missing both of her legs, like my mom. She had neatly rolled up her pants and tucked in the excess fabric. I slowly lifted my head but couldn't help but to make eye contact with her. She smiled and for a minuet I was lost in her kind eyes.

My eyes swelled up, and tears began to roll down my face, I made no gesture to wipe them away.

"You've lost someone close to you" she said.
"My Mom..." I struggled to reply, trying to hold back a sea of tears. "I miss her a great deal"
She smiled and said "She must have been one hell of a woman"
"Yes" I replied, "she was".
She leaned closer and put her hand on my hip, "No matter what you do, I'm sure she is still with you, just differently then you are used too".
I put my hand on hers and again struggled to speak again "I hope so".

She smiled at me, which I returned, and preceded to load my groceries on the belt for the cashier that was now waiting for me, quietly and patiently.

It would have been my Mom's 60th birthday on Monday, I miss her terribly.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her guidance and support.
I still feel her, but as the woman said, it is different now, more of a quiet whisper in a very loud room.

I rarely give myself the stillness required to hear that voice in my "busy" life. I need to make more time. I am in the process of starting to teach two yoga classes a week at our local library. I've asked for donations in the form of canned goods to be traded for classes, my mom always sent us with brown paper bags full of dry goods when our school or community had food drives. It seemed proper, to honour her memory and regain that stillness.

Life is delicate, and far too short.
Life is a gift - no matter what sort of box it comes in.

For today I am grateful for memories.
For today I am grateful for a strong mother who prepared us well for life's betrayals.
Today I am grateful.

Embrace the Journey, one day at a time.
Bret xoxo

Smiling...

2009-08-24T21:42:00.008-04:00

A great deal goes into a smile you know... It takes 17 muscles just to make one...

I've been smiling more recently. Things are calming down at work; becoming less stressful. I haven't talked to my Dad or Sister since - obviously much less stress there... Each day I become more in tune with the rhythm of the universe. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed. In my few years on this Earth in this body I've had a hard time with this "change" not really understanding why its a necessary part of life, and of course death. I accept the change, and understand its a natural part of life... That's my new affirmation.

These are a few of the times i've smiled this week:

When I painted this beautiful Watercolour of my Grandmothers Purple Iris'

When I watch the sun set this weekend on the beach, so still and quiet

The day I discovered and purchased this amazing piece of Amethyst and meditated all night

"Wing fest" at my sisters house... (We cooked over 250 wings)
I had JUST as many beers too! ;)

I've got to get back to discovering what makes me smile, rather than what makes me frown. Who the hell wants to spend life using all those muscles to frown (43 so I'm told) when you can take the lazy way out and smile! ;)

What makes YOU smile?

Embrace the Journey
Bret

Missing Her...

2009-08-11T21:43:00.002-04:00

Today was the 2nd anniversary of my Mom's passing. My sister Leslie and I decided to have a quiet dinner at her house, it was nice. It hurt not being able to go to the family home for her anniversary, but I've come to realize that memories travel, they are not confined to buildings of wood and plaster.

It's been a rough month, if something could go wrong, it has. There have been issues at work, failing brakes on my car (luckily no one was in front of me), ugly family fights, and just a general missing of my Mom. These are the times when I need my Mom, I still feel her around, often smelling her Channel No. 5, it's just not the same, but I am thankful to have anything left.

My mom was always there for me. Always. She was the one I could depend on. Sometimes that's reversed for people, but not for me. She was always there for advice, comfort, to boost my self esteem and so much more, she really came through for us, and in the end we came through for her too. I just wish she was still here to sort out all my problems and to reassure me that things will be okay - even if they are out of my hands.

I guess I know all that, she prepared us well - but sometimes I get lost on my path, she was the light.

It's 10pm now, and I am physically and emotionally drained - so I am off for a hot bath, then into bed. Hope everyone had a great day.

Blessings.
Embrace the Journey,
Bret

...in the Storm

2009-08-09T21:51:00.006-04:00

First... Thank you for the kind, warm, and supporting comments that everyone has left. I feel truly privileged to have such an amazing group of blogging friends!

I am sitting on the couch tonight, in the dark. The gale force winds, barrage of lighting, and torrential down pouring of rain has knocked out my power and I sit here only illuminated by the glow of my laptop screen and the flashes of light through my living room windows.

My heart this past week has felt very much like the storm outside. The uncontrolled pounding of fury has gotten the better of me on more than one occasion, but nevertheless I am on the mend. This journey of mine has certainly taken me through hell and back yet still, I feel blessed to have the memories that I do have - I realize there are others who have nothing.

The rain beats against the glass paned windows and I can see the silhouette of my cat peering down at the flooded street below whenever lighting strikes. He's not afraid of the stormy weather, and he inspires me not to be either. For even though lighting sometimes strikes, eventually the clouds do part and the sun does again shine.

I've done a great deal of self reflection in the past few days, accompanied by some deep soul searching. Again I come to realize there is little I can do to change the course of events that the universe throws at me, and even less I can do to change another. I can only make changes in my own thoughts and hope my actions will follow. When it boils down to it, there isn't a hell of alot that can be done otherwise.

The other morning I woke up still whimpering from a dream. I was in our family home, and my mom's cat "Kitsey" jumped up on the kitchen counter and said my name. I was baffled that the cat could speak until my mom announced that she was speaking threw the cat. She asked me what was happening, each word forced as it seemed it was a struggle for her to speak threw the animal. I had explained, and she nodded in disappointment. She listened to me talk for a few minuets then told me she had to go. Before you leave, I said, what can I do to make you proud? "Live" she replied. So here I am living... It's all any of us can do.

Sitting here in the dark I can only wonder what is next for me.
Until then, Embrace the Journey.
Bret

when the glue fails...

2009-08-04T23:18:00.003-04:00

Mom was the Glue, she always was. Our family lost its glue nearly 2 years ago, and things have been falling apart ever since...

My Dad decided he is moving some whore into the house. Yup, I said it, whore... She has different motives, we can tell. I overheard her say in a conversation to my dad "I am not trying to win any sort of step mother of the year award, no one is going to tell me what to do". That when I decided it was time to fight back. My sisters and I went into the house and started to clear out all of our possessions, we decided not to leave anything of ours in the house.. Who knows, Ontario law states after 6 months of living together and they are common law married and we loose all claim.

We tried to talk reason into my dad, but he wouldn't hear any of it. Now that hes found his new Whore he basically wants nothing to do with us... Oh did I mention he thinks its okay to have sex with this woman, in my moms bedroom (the room she passed away in) while her ashes are hidden in a drawer instead of on her dresser? Ya, that's what I am dealing with. We were removing our things, and everything was fine, until my little sister took her and my moms special collection of Christmas snowmen. My older sister wanted them, just to hurt my younger sister - she has been trying to hurt us for years. Shari, my older sister didn't say anything until the next day when we found that she had taken my 1/2 my moms China set of dishes that were already promised to my little sister Leslie.

It's always been Leslie and I against Shari and Dad. They are so much alike, both the most ignorant, hurtful, violent people I have ever met. She uses abortion as a form of control against her husband. She is sick. Found out recently that my Dad was a wife beater. It only adds fuel to my fire. The day ended in fist fights, words I am not proud of saying, and a total and complete severing in the family. It was long overdue.

We removed 99% of our stuff from the house, and if I never set foot in there again I am happy. I am still going back for the rest of my sisters dishes. After I've gotten the rest of our things we've decided to burn the rest of the furniture so there is nothing left. Figured if Dad wants to start over, he should do it right.

What makes people turn on each other? Is it money? Greed? Jealousy? I just don't get it. What makes people so inconsiderate that they trample on the emotions of others. I can't for the life of me understand a woman (who apparent has been in love with my dad since she was 12) that would want to come into a house, 2 years later, and have sex in the bed where my mother had died. Do people not have any self respect at all?

I am so happy that the universe keeps a balance.
I am so happy that everyone in time receives their Karma.

I am literally exhausted. I need to sleep. I've been dealing with all this, trying to work all this out in my head - hoping it will make sense, but it just doesn't. I am at a loss of what to do next. I can't talk to my dad, it just ends literally in a fist fight. I want to kill my older sister, literally. I hope she drives her car off a cliff. I think there is one of these in every family...

Anyways, I am off to bed.
Embracing an Axe.
Bret

Sacred Sunday ... Baking with Grams

2009-07-19T20:52:00.007-04:00

There are many things to me that are sacred, most relate to my childhood, at a time when I felt safe, complete and greatly loved. Before I knew what paying bills was all about, or the sadness caused by death and great loss, and long before my first broken heart, I was carefree, when the only disappointment was sleeping in too late on a Saturday morning and missing a Scooby doo episode.

This is the period in my life that shaped the man I am today, the good and bad. Time spent with my Mother and Grandmother, sacred time, memories that I cherish because they are all I have left. Time is cruel, only moving forward, never letting us revisit the past, like an hourglass glued to the table.

We had my Uncles 65th birthday yesterday, a family reunion, at my Aunt and Uncles farm in the Country, it felt incomplete. The family; separated by death, divorce and feuding. My grandmother was the glue, the matriarch of our family, the one who organized Christmas', birthdays and picked me up that one time I ran away from home. When my grandmother took ill the responsibility naturally passed to my mother, only a daughter-in-law, but too my grams so much more. Since my moms passing two years ago I've tried my best to fill the gaps left behind. Planning family dinners, quilting blankets for the baby, working in the flower beds, doing my best to honor them both everyday, in the traditions in which they raised me. I miss them terribly.

I was always taught to be a grateful guest and never arrive empty handed. My Aunt was having the celebration catered, but my sister and I told her that we would also bring some deserts as well. My younger sister Leslie baked 50 'butter tarts', one of Grams most favourite recipes. I spent Saturday morning baking as well and made 6 pies; 2 Graham Wafer, 2 Field Berry, and 2 Lemon Meringue. I have my Grandmothers crystal flour, sugar and tea canisters, and her talent for pastry. When I bake I feel her in the room with me, often catching a whiff of her "Explanation" perfume.

Here are some pictures from my morning of baking:

Getting the Dough Ready for the Pie Crusts

Lining the Bake Pans with the Dough

Field Berry (Bumble Berry Pie) Filled with Strawberries, Raspberries
Blackberries, Blueberries and Rhubarb.

The Meringue Pies Browning up in the Oven

The Thin Coat of Flour on my Kitchen Floor!
Yes, I am a messy baker ;)

The pies were a hit and my uncles said they tasted just like my Grandmothers. In no time at all the butter tarts and pies were gone, leaving some of the birthday cake untouched. I felt honored to carry on one of my Grandmothers traditions. I am thankful for my Aunt who planned the occasion, its hard to get together these days.

My Great Aunts came too. It was hard, they look so much like my Grandmother, and sound just like her too. I found myself closing my eyes while they spoke, pretending I was listening to my Grams, seeing her face in my mind. Tears that somehow found their way past my tightly closed eyelids were quickly brushed away and went unnoticed. All in all, it was a wonderful day.

Now for me, I better get back to scrubbing the dried pastry and flour off the kitchen floor, I've had the floor damp now for a good hour so it shouldn't be too difficult, I hope!

Embracing the Journey, and a bucket of suds.
Bret

This House Is Clean

2009-07-11T11:42:00.000-04:00

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments, advice and such - it is greatly appreciated!

I've now been able to cleanse the lamp, and the rest of the house. It's not like the energy of the lamp was bad, or evil, more of a pain in the butt! If I wanted the lamp off, she wanted it on, if she wanted it on, I wanted it off. I hope I've at least appeased her spirit, or energy, and helped it move on to another journey.

The cat wasn't freaked out at all, he made no ill motions, or odd behavioral changes when I brought the lamp in so I knew the energy wasn't harmful, just playful.

I would LOVE to know who the "she" was behind the lamp, in the upcoming days to weeks I hope to get in some good investigation time, talk to the lady who sold me the lamp, and consort with a friend of mine who is a talented clairvoyant to see if she picks up anything I've missed.
Until then, I am just going to keep an eye out for any odd movements from the lamp.

If anyone knows a source where you can send in pictures of antiques and have someone in the field respond with some information I'd be grateful for a link or e-mail address. I would really like to know the origin of the lamp, and I hope there is some sort of online "Antiques Roadshow" out there where I can submit pictures...

Anywho, its pouring rain here, and the cat and I have decided it would be a wonderful day to lay in bed and watch movies, so here we are! ;)

Embracing the Journey, and my pillow.
Bret =)

The Lamp that Satan Built ...An Update and Video

2009-07-09T18:37:00.000-04:00

So I have an update for everyone who is wondering, and it gets pretty interesting...

For the last couple of days not only myself, but visiting friends have witnessed the odd behavior of this lamp. Turning off and on, being unplugged and on one occasion being turned 90 degrees clockwise leaving scratches on top of my fireplace mantle. Early into the morning today, I woke up for a bathroom break (not unusual at all) and thought I saw an elderly woman sitting on my couch. Having crusty eyes, and a foggy brain I kept walking past the living room into the bathroom. It wasn't until I was comfortably seated until I realized what I *think* I saw, I am still not 100% sure.

Otherwise I slept OK, I think it was just the light of the full moon that was disturbing my sleep the last couple of days. The feeling in my apartment has been reasonably peaceful (for me at least) however couple of friends have noticed a shift in the energy, and the air feeling a bit thicker and heavier. I do agree with all your comments that a GOOD cleansing is in need.

I am thinking that the energy of the woman who must have owned this lamp is still attached, and she must be having difficult time with the move and someone else now owning one of her possessions. I am going to burn some sweet grass first to appease the energy, try talking to the spirit as odd as that may sound to some, I am hoping we can come to an understanding rather than "bicker" as to weather the lamp should be on or off ha-ha. If that doesn't work the lamp is getting a vinegar wash down and smudged with a sage stick and sea salts.

I've downloaded a program too to make my webcam on my laptop act like a motion sensing video camera, I think I will set it up tonight, facing the lamp and see what I get... Should be interesting.

Anywho, I am off!
Embrace the journey,
Bret

** Update **

Alrighty folks, here is the video!
I had to go out to go out and get a few things from the grocery store, so I figured what the hell, I'll set up my laptop quick on the bench in front of my couch and see if I catch anything, here is what I've got:

The video is 1:38 mins long and was activated by some sort of movement in video frame, however I didn't see anything that moved.

0:25 - Light turns on
1:00 - Lamp makes a sharp movement towards my picture frames, then several smaller and more gentle movements WHILE turning again.
1:17 - Light goes off

So there you have it. What do you think? When I walked in the door and saw it had moved I almost pee'd myself with excitement, the cat was sleeping on my bed, so he didn't notice anything, however I am pretty confident that something is going on here... Getting the sweet grass out tonight for sure! People wonder why I am scared of the dark hahahaha.

Embrace the Journey,
Bret

a LITTLE freaked out!!

2009-07-06T21:02:00.001-04:00

What started off as an awful day of Garage Sales, turned into a unique find. Just about when my sister and I were going to give up, and call it a day, this lamp caught my eye. I figured it would be pretty expensive, as it looks to be somewhat of an antique so I tried not to show any interest in it at first. I browsed around at other knickknacks, and after a few minuets of watching it out of the corner of my eye an elderly woman approached me and asked me if anything had caught my attention. I responded by saying that the lamp was quite interesting and how much she was asking for it, I was preparing myself to bargain with this woman when she said $5. Ummmm, Five Dollars I asked? Yes, five, she replied. Sold! I was honestly expecting her to ask $50-$75 for this lamp, and I was hoping to get it for $40.

My sister was amazed, as I picked up the lamp. The lady said it worked just fine, but it didn't come with a bulb, but she would be more than happy to fetch one for me, I declined as I had just bought some new bulbs, and she proceeded to engage in small talk. I asked where the lamp had came from, as I'd never seen anything quite like it, and she said she didn't know, that she was selling it on behalf of a friend. I didn't think much of it, until last night when I got home.

I walked into my apartment, around 3am, and the lamp was lit. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I thought that I had turned it off before I left for the day, I didn't know how well it was wired and didn't want any over heating, or fire related issues with it. I switched the light off and went to bed. I slept horribly, tossing and turning, hearing pacing in the hall, voices... I didn't think much of it, as I live in a turn of the century Victorian Home with other renters to the side and below me. I did go out to the living room once to see if the TV was on, the Cat has been known to sit on the remote with his big ass and turn on the news, but nothing was out of place.

It's been an "eerie" day here today, not being able to put my finger on exactly what, until I went to switch on the light around 8:30pm tonight. It wasn't working, odd, it was working last night when I got home. Immediately I thought it was a burnt bulb, but realized it was new, so with my hands I carefully traced the cord behind my fireplace, looking for loose, burnt or frayed wires. When I came to the end of the cord, I realized the lamp was not plugged in. Odd I thought, but again didn't think much of it as I might have pulled it out when I relocated my laptop this afternoon. I plugged my lamp in, switched it off and admired its unique beauty while I brewed a pot of Earl Grey tea. On returning from the kitchen to the living room, tea pot in hand I was greeted by a dark lamp. It had been turned off, and GET THIS, unplugged as well...

So here I sit, with my cup of tea, next to this lamp, wondering if its haunted, and if she priced it at $5 because it was frigging haunted! I guess I will have to see what happens in the next few days, only time will tell. Stay tuned!

Embracing the Journey, my pillow, the Cat, and a Knife...
Bret xoxo

Religious Intolerance... and the journey of frank

2009-06-23T21:54:00.002-04:00

So... I'm pretty pissed off...

While at work today, I was tipped off by a few my management that my Buddha statue, which sits on my desk, was creating QUITE the controversy. Buddha I thought? Controversy? JeeeWizz, that just doesn't sound like the Buddha I know! Usually you find Buddha under his tree meditating, searching for enlightenment. He can also be found teaching peace, love, kindness and tolerance, so when I heard the office gossip I was shocked!

I work in a Support Center, for a very popular computer manufacturer. The floor plan is extremely open concept, and there are about 80 people, neatly tucked into rows that surround my desk, next to a popular coaching/meeting room. Apparently "someone", not from my team, but from another managers team has been making complaints that my Buddha statue is inappropriate, and upsets them as a Christian person. Apparently their faith is so strong, and they have so much trust in their God that no one else should be allowed to think differently, that there is no room for other teachers in the realm of "religion" other than their messiah Jesus Christ.

Thats when I took a big shit in my pants... Leave it to a Christian to shout religious intolerance, I am just upset I didn't have anything pagan at my desk today, I would have been a rather lovely day for a witch burning.

So, Buddha and I have decided that its 2009, not 563BC and he needs to acclimate to today's society.

Everyone, please say a warm hello to Frank:

Frank is an e-mail support agent, he likes long walks on the beach, enjoys some yoga here and there, and drives a VW Bug. He's funny, smart and most certainly NOT controversial. With his mouse in hand he can process 15 customers e-mails an hour, while rocking out to his favorite Taylor Smith album. The note on his chest says "Hi, My Name Is: Frank". No controversial here people, keep the line moving. Ohhhh, no no, that's not Buddha, that's Frank, he moved over from the Dispatch Department last week.

So far, so good. No one has blew his cover yet. Keep your fingers crossed for us please.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Embrace the Journey,
Bret and Frank

Life at 2 am...

2009-06-21T02:02:00.004-04:00

The clock just struck 2am and I am wide awake regardless of the lack of sleep I have been having these past few weeks. I just threw some flour, water, garlic butter, parsley and other ingredients into my bread machine. My brother-in-law called this morning and demanded one of my buttery Parmesan cheese loafs. I love my bread machine, one of my most favourite Garage Sale finds from my Aunt Jean. 2$, brand new in the box, still had the starter kit. I am going to make another loaf for my Dad as well tomorrow, Fathers day.

I have a hard time celebrating Fathers day, it's always been a struggle for me as he's never been much of a Father. My Mom really did play both roles as my Dad was usually found playing hockey, hanging out with the boys, or working on some new car project. When my Mom passed I truly felt as if I were an orphan, especially after loosing my grandmother months before. I had two very strong female role models growing up (which I'm sure explains a few things) and after losing them both I felt very much alone. Both my sisters married, and me of course perpetually single, the closest thing I have to a partner is my Cat, and that is just really sad. Ha-ha.

My Mom "stuck it out" for us while we were growing up. I watched a movie last night with the amazing Boho Mom, (who is such a wonderful mother) which brought me to this post. The movie was "Double Jeopardy". A husband cheating on his wife, faking his own death and pinning it on her. She went to jail, 6 years separated from her young son, never giving up hope of their reunion. Libby (Ashley Judd) said in the movie "Even if a baby is separated from their mother at birth, they will always recognize her voice". I hold that to be true. My Mom, after having an absent husband, raising three small children practically by herself, while looking after my grandparents, ignoring the countless martial affairs my father perused, not to mention the arguments we pretended not to hear late at night; she endured, even to the detriment of her own health. Mothers are funny like that... So when I am sitting at the table tonight, with resentment in my heart, I will take a page from my mothers book and stick it out.

I must be getting to bed now, my eyes are burning.
To the fathers out there, remember that you are molding the next generation. Things you do and say will deeply impact your offspring in the years to come. Be weary of how you treat your wife, your sons will learn from you how to treat their wifes, and your daughters will learn from you how they should be treated from their husbands.

And to all the Single Moms out there, who struggle with this day. Please know that your love is more than enough. You are both Mother and Father to your children, and even tho times might be tough now, they will greatly love, adore and respect you for it in the next years to come.

Happy Fathers Day Mom,
Embrace the Journey
Bret

...finding inspiration

2009-06-11T10:44:00.010-04:00

in an uninspiring world...

I've found that in today's busy modern world it is becoming increasingly more difficult to find inspiration. Lately I've saw more boarded up windows and empty flower gardens than ever before. I think the economic depression has gotten everyone into a slump, I'm certainly feeling it. I've come to the realization that I must create my own inspiration.

I've been working at making my space more inspiring, one of the things I really love, is to leave post it notes for myself with affirmations of ideas I need to focus on. I bring them to work too and stick them around my desk. A simple reminder to breath deeply, relax, or that I'm in tune with nature makes a big difference in my life for me. Recently I moved my desktop computer from my writing desk to the closet, (I've got a laptop anyways) and started to fill my desk with things that inspire me. A water fountain found at a garage sale for $4 to bring peace and tranquility, a unique crystal vase to hold my watercolor paint brushes, pens, and pencils, some paper to sketch and paint on, and of course some candles as I like to write in the dim romantic light. The space is still lacking a little but I feel the improvement of energy in my space already, I will post a picture when I have it all finished.

This year I haven't gotten out there and taken any photographs. I just haven't been inspired. I need to, I really need to because I enjoy it and I like to share the beauty that I find. I think through the camera lens I find a whole other world, something magickal and spectacular. Here is one of my shots from last summer:

I've gotten back into my routine of Yoga and Meditation. It was a rough start back, but I feel my flexibility returning. I've been increasing my fiber, and limiting my meats and feeling more healthy about my intake, I've also been teetering on the point of vegetarian. Awakening the body and mind is a slow and gradual process, at least for me anyways.

So now I must get ready and go to the evil place where they keep my paycheck, but I will leave you with this question... How do YOU create inspiration in your world?

Blessed Journey,
This Guy ~ Bret

...the garden of ill repute

2009-06-01T22:57:00.005-04:00

In a small city, one not unlike your own, is a small garden that looks as if it has been long abandoned and forgotten by man. One may wonder if the rapture has came, or some viral plague has done away with mankind. There's been no plague, and after 2000 years Jesus ain't coming back, sorry folks.

This is the garden of ill repute. The garden where happiness, ferries, bunnies and laughter go to die.
This is the garden that Boho Mom built...

Sure to soon be a garden filled with plump ripe tomatoes and the most earthy wonderful organic lettuce you've ever tasted, Boho mom is off to a rocky start as I found out on my visit yesterday.

The hatchling is rehearsing right now for her schools recitle of "Charlie Brown's Christmas Story", so Boho has planted the Famous Charlie Brown Christmas tree, oh, wait... No no no, those are acutally tomatoe plants. Oh my, I'm so sorry. HAHAHA

I have to cut her some slack, she is the hardest working single mom I know. This week alone, she's been altering costumes for the Hatchlings dance recitle (which was AMAZING), supervising and volunteering back stage, creating her FABOLOUS Bohemian space in her apartment, digging her her garden (by hand), blogging, and suprisingly she hasn't gone insane... Yet...

Honestly I am pretty jealous that she is off to such an awesome start with her garden. Living in an apartment I really miss having my own veggie garden, especially when I have to pay those organic store prices! I'm crossing my fingers that Boho will let me dig a few more feet on to her garden and let me plant some wonderful zuchinni and eggplant!

However, if you are looking for your lost puppy, or your desire to live, look no further than Boho's garden, but beware.... HAHA

Embracing the Journey (and hopefully a basket of veggies in 3 months)
Bret xoxo

Spirit Cleansing

2009-05-28T20:41:00.009-04:00

Last week I posted some great Organic Cleaning recipes, and had an amazing response of comments and e-mails with lots more to add to my collection.

This week I'd like to post another kind of cleanse, a Spirit Cleanse. I do a great deal of work in the Niagara Region of Ontario Canada with Ghosts and Spirits, doing home cleanings for friends, people who seek me, and of course myself. If any of you have had this particular type of 'guest' in your home you know their presence can be anything from peaceful and relaxed, to disturbing and down right chaotic. When someone contacts me, they often start by saying the animals in the house have been acting weird, chasing things or growling at things that are not visible, or they've heard footsteps at night, or scratching from inside walls. Some report that they've been hearing voices, or have saw objects move, or caught someone walk across the room from the corner of their eye. On rare occasions I receive calls of desperation, from people who are being tormented by these spirits. If you are nodding your head now, you may want to read on.

First I'm asked why some ghosts, or spirits are kind, and don't cause much trouble, while some are destructive and are seeking to disturb the peace. My response is always the same; just as we have people in this present life who range from kind to cruel, so does the after life. Their second question is always "how the hell do we get rid of them"?

Continue reading and I will show you some time tested and fool proof methods to cleanse your home and rid any negative entity or energy that may be lingering. These methods are also excellent if you are moving into a new home and want to clear out the old tenants energy, or are just looking to do a little spiritual spring cleaning.

You live in your home, so you'll already know what may be lurking in the shadows, or the type of energy you're feeling that is causing worry. The first thing I do after walking through the front door is find a quiet place, central to the home and sit and open my senses. I sit quietly and open myself to any spirits, energy or vibes to get a good idea of what I am dealing with. I've always then said a prayer, to protect myself, the people in the house, and to send healing light to anyone who may need it. You don't have to be religious, or involve God in your prayer, your 'intent', and the energy you raise while you connect is most powerful.

Once I'm properly centered and grounded I prepare my cleansing supplies, usually consisting of the following:

Clearing Incense
Sweet Grass
a Sage Bundle
and, several White Candles

Once you are ready, you can begin. Light a white candle in every room. White is the color of clarity and peace. Light your incense and place it central to the house, usually in the living/family room. Next, and this is important, you want to open every window and door possible in the house, you want the flow of energy to be strong. You can pick any room to start in, usually I start at the front door with burning sage bundle in hand, my body surrounded in white light I bless the door, and say an incantation, or prayer that only good, love and joy can enter this home. That all negativity shall be refused entrance and be cast out of this place. While visualizing the smoke from the sage bundle and sweet grass creeping into every corner in the area, I bless the door (by laying on of hands) and ask for the universe/God/white light to protect this home from any being or person that may bring ill or negative energy. Leave the door open, and don't close it until last.

Working around the house in a circular pattern, in each and every room, and closet I bless each room, asking that all negative energy and spirits be released from this place and not allowed to return. That each room is filled with love, and peace, and happy energy. I extend the bright white energy that is radiating from my being to envelop the room. I bless each and every window that it will only bring through light, laughter and love and then close the window, signifying the closed doorway or path to any being that would want to bring negativity into this home.

Once I have finished each room, including all bathrooms, closets, nooks and crannies, I return to the front door, standing outside I bless the entire home, letting the white light that surrounds me to again envelop the house and property around it. Once I am done, I again bless the door to only allow entrance to good beings, love, light, and joy and close the door.

You will feel a sense that the air in the home is lighter, that feelings of negativity are gone, and the home has returned to a state of peacefulness.

Have any questions, need some advice? Just leave a comment, or e-mail me and I'll be sure to respond! Often I use Sea Salts, and Holy Water, even Vinegar for spirit cleanings and if you do as well I'd love to hear how!

Embrace your Journey,
AND the things that go bump in the night!
Bret =)

Organic Cleaning

2009-05-19T18:40:00.012-04:00

I woke up this morning, to the smell of freshly baked bread - thanks to the timer on my bread machine. I opened all the windows to let in the fresh breeze and prepared a toasted slice complete with my sisters and my homemade strawberry jam.

I am working this year at living more organically, with less refined foods, whole foods, and only locally grown produce (this is a hard one). I've done a great deal of canning myself, including jams, pickles, apples, pears, peaches, beets, and frozen a bunch of broccoli, cabbage, peppers, and beans. It's been difficult, as I am sure any of you out there agree, its hard to live without all the quick modern days convinces of fast foods, ready to eat meals, preservative filled breads, meat laced with growth hormones, and toxic house hold cleaners. I decided today was a great day for spring cleaning, and I know its something that all of us have either just finished, or are gearing up too do. I had to replenish my supply of homemade organic cleaning products today, and figured now would be an excellent time to share with all of you some of my recipes!

First, lets assemble a list of ingredients, most I'm sure you already have in your house:

White Vinegar
Baking Soda
Salt
Lemons
Tea Tree Oil
Dish Soap (or Pure Castile Soap)
Reusable Rags
Spray Bottles and Glass Jars.

Seems like some pretty basic and simple ingredients right? Any combination of the above cleaners will work just as well, actually most of the time better than any toxic, store bought product you can purchase! Let's get cleaning!

Organic Window Cleaner:
1/2 cup White Vinegar
3 cups Water
1-2 Squirts of Dish Soap (organic)

I've found this is very effective, the few squirts of dish soap makes sure that all greasy finger prints and dirt is washed away. Try using this with a reusable microfiber cloth, or a hand full of newspapers. Bottle and mark clearly in a clear plastic bottle and store for next time.

Oven Cleaner: (or any grimy surface - works well on a bath tub too)
1 Lemon, cut in half
1 Bowl of Baking Soda
1 cup of pure Vinegar with a few squirts of dish soap.

With a reusable rag, wet the surface with the vinegar and soap solution, you can also bottle and spray the area. Take your 1/2 lemon in one hand, dip the cut end in your bowl of baking soda, and use the lemon as a scrub pad on your grimy surface.

If you'd like to use a scouring sponge for the above combine 1 cup baking soda, with enough dish soap to form a paste, add a little lemon juice and spoon on a scrubbing pad. If you'd like to bottle and keep this recipe, just add 1 teaspoon of vegetable glycerin to the mixture and store in a sealed glass jar, to keep the product moist.

Toilet Cleaner:
1 cup Baking Soda
1 cup Vinegar
5-7 drops of Tea Tree oil

This is a very effective cleaner. Feel free to let this sit in the toilet bowl for a while. If you've got a big job to do, turn off the water supply valve, flush the toilet, scoop as much water out of the bowl as you can, and use this mixture on an empty bowl with a scrub pad. For extra strength, add 1/4 cup of salt, just be careful as salt may scratch your surface, but does work very well on a porcelain toilet.

Floors (including Hardwood):
1/2 cup White Vinegar
1 Gallon Hot Water

This is very effective on any washable floor surface. I use this all the time on my hardwood floors, sometimes in the kitchen I do add a squirt of dish liquid, as the floors tend to be a bit greasy from cooking. You can also sub the dish liquid for 1 cup of lemon juice. Lemon juice will also cut through the grease, and leave a beautiful shine to the wood floors.

General Multipurpose Cleaner (great for all kitchen and bathroom surfaces)
3 cups water
1/2 cup Vinegar
2 squeezes of Dish Soap
3-5 drops of Tea Tree Oil

Combine, bottle and use on any washable surface! For grimy kitchen messes, add a few table spoons of lemon juice to cut through any grease!

Laundry Detergent:

For White Clothes

1/4 cup washing soda (sodium carbonate) in place of bleach. (Bleach is one of the most toxic substances for the environment. Washing soda costs only a few pennies per wash load, and it is far less expensive than bleach.) Along with the washing soda, add 1/4 cup of white vinegar.

For Dark Clothes

1/4 cup of white vinegar and 1/4 cup of salt. (Salt helps restore faded colors, and to remove dirt and grime.)

Polishing Wood Furniture:

Straight citrus oil (can be purchased everwhere) on a lint free rag. Citrus oil is very inexpensive!

Here is a great tip (especally if you have kids): for crayon marks, spilled candle wax, and residue left from tape and other adhesive, dab with mineral oil and wipe gently with a rag. Mineral oil is the main ingredient of many commercial products that advertise the removal of greasy wax stains and marks.

So that's it, that is whats under my kitchen sink right now. Nothing toxic, nothing that will harm our environment, nothing expensive, nothing I wouldn't have in the house anyways! Does anyone have and recipes or advice they would like to share? I would be honored to post and organic cleaning recipes and tips here, just e-mail me and let me know!

Cleaning organically and proud of it? Feel free to post the picture below, and add the following link to these recipes for all your blogging friends to see. All you need to do, is save this picture to your desktop, then when your customizing your blog side gadgets, add a picture, browse for it on your desktop, and add the "link" below! Easy Peazy! Share these wonderful recipes with your friends!

Here is the handy dandy link:

http://endeavorsandsuch.blogspot.com/2009/05/organic-cleaning.html

Happy cleaning everyone!

Embrace your grimy journey ;)

... Missing Her

2009-05-10T22:05:00.006-04:00

Today is my second Mothers day without my mom, it's been almost 2 years since she passed last August. I decided to work today, trying to keep by hands busy and my mind silent. I spent Saturday with my sister Leslie, we dug up some of my mom's perennial flowers and transplanted them into her own garden, I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Hands full of mud, and shoes full of muck. When we were finished we opened a bottle of wine and had a glass, then a bottle, then another. I'm lucky to have an amazing sister, she is my best friend.

I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot still, still asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. I still sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. We still aren't ready to pack away her things, I don't think we will until my dad decides to sell the house if he does.

Selfishly I feel pretty "jipped" that I lost my mom so early, I was 25, I know there are alot of people who lost their mom's a great deal earlier than I did, so I feel blessed for the time that we did have together. A few Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months.

Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.

Again I sit here with a glass of wine, in celebration of my mom, and yours. Always remember that you don't have to wait until Mothers Day to tell your mom how much you love her.

Struggling with the Journey,
Miss you mom. xoxo
Bret

Blooming

2009-04-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

Today I saw that a tulip in my front garden had bloomed, and somehow I felt stuck. The tulip knew it was time to poke his head above the still cool ground, and even found time to produce the most amazing flower which I must have sat on the porch and starred at for 10 minutes. With all the beautiful weather we have been having I had wondered why I haven't stuck my own head above the soil and blossomed. My yoga practice has been suffering, my painting has been almost non existent, and the goddess knows that my blog sure has been lacking. Maybe I'm just a "late bloomer" as my Grandmother would put it, maybe I just need a reason to bloom.

It has been an incredibly long time since I have written here, and to be honest I greatly miss it. Although I have been lurking behind the scenes to see what you all are up too, I haven't used myblog, one of most favourite creative outlets. What you ask? Well, honestly not a hell of alot. I took this Winter off (emotionally) to energize and recharge. I truly hibernated. I feel "back" now tho, signified with this posting, which has been on the tip of my tongue for the past week now. I am vowing to write more often as part of my creative process.

I had an interesting phone call today, from my ex. We haven't spoken in nearly 2 years (this May) and I have missed him everyday since. The call was a surprise, and did not last very long, enough to ask how we were each doing, missing the old times, and he mentioned something about keeping in contact. I'm still half shocked, at the time I was making dinner and took the baking sheet out of the oven without gloves. I felt too sick to my stomach to eat, so I decided to go for a walk, I started down the stairs when I realized I was still in my underwear. I'm still not too sure what to make out of the phone call, what did he want? It's hard to think about him, two years later and I am still in love, covered with scars I did nothing to earn.

I know that I must "seize the day", who knows how many we each have left on this Earth. I do my best to make the best out of each day, but its hard, feeling incomplete. I've never felt that I've needed a significant other to complete me, but isn't it a nice notion to think there is another person out there that compliments your being so well that you feel as if you were one? I'm not too sure what the universe has in store for me, but I'm sure it will be one hell of a journey.

It is midnight now, I work at 8am, so I must be getting to bed. I've created some excellent organic cleaning products in the last month, and I will be sharing the recipes this week, I promise! So check back soon. Also, did you know that Mercury is heading into Retrograde again on May 7th? Mercury is slowing as we speak, do you feel it? Check back before the 7th and I will have some great information to keep you on track while we wait out the planetary changes for this next month!

Until then,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret

Coming out of Hibernation

2009-02-11T14:37:00.005-05:00

There's something about the way the street looks when its just rained, there is a glow off the pavement, a glow I had almost forgotten. The animals are starting to come back now, each morning I hear more and more birds singing as they bask in the warmer weathers. The squirrels are starting to awake too, Friskey sits in front of the window in awe of their delicate dance across telephone wires above him.

I feel very much today as the animals must feel. Like the warmer weathers and lessening of snow is waking up my soul, allowing me to come out of hibernation. I have all my windows open, letting the unseasonably warm breeze overtake my apartment and push out the now stale winter air. Maybe I am jumping mother natures gun here, but I really do feel that spring is at the doorstep, knocking, VERY loudly! Do you feel it?

I really feel like I am getting ready to grow some new branches, spread my foliage and bloom. My body aches to paint and be creative. To write, and draw, and dance outside. I can't wait to get my hands in the dirt, clear away last years underbrush and make room for the new growth.

My body is doing some interesting things as well. I am just getting over strep throat where I spent 23 hours a day in bed, and the other hour puking - don't know where all the puke came from, I couldn't eat for 4 days lol... It's really jump started my spring cleansing process.

I'd like to say that I have missed all of you, but I really haven't really missed anyone because I've still been coming to your blogs, reading, lurking behind the shadow, being inspired, trying your posted recipes, feeling each time that we've sat down and had a cup of tea together. I will be glad to get back into the community tho. I realize now how much I missed blogging, it was almost like meditation for me to come here, read and write. I am feeling the vibe again tho.

I can't wait to see what the spring has in store for all of us (yes, winter for some of you too).

Check back soon, I am going to have some great organic recipes for green house cleaning products, simple things we all have in the cupboards already!

Until then,

Embracing this Journey,

Bret =)

...gifts from mom

2009-01-07T22:30:00.001-05:00

It was our second Christmas this year with out Mom. Since her passing two August's ago, my little sister Leslie and I have done our best to continue to celebrate every holiday, every special event; from Thanksgiving to the dogs birthday. Mom loved to celebrate and decorate, so in her honour we decorated the Christmas Tree, hung garland, put up lights and prepared for our traditional Christmas morning brunch. We didn't last year, the tree stayed boxed and the lights stayed dim - I think we were just too tired and defeated after everything that had happened.

Mom made sure she was a part of Christmas this year too. Even tho she is gone, we never stop sensing her around us. While Leslie, her husband and I were putting up the Christmas tree Leslie stumbled across a plastic tote with her name on it. She brought it upstairs to the family room and called me in from the kitchen where I was making dinner. She opened the tote and discovered that it was filled with kitchen ware, silverware, dishes, oven plates, pots and pans, dish towels, and oven mits. It was the perfect starter box for any kitchen, something my mom put together for her a year before she passed. It's just like my Mom to make sure we had something to open from her even tho shes left us. I have to admit, I felt left out for a few days, I looked around the basement for a box labeled "Bret" but didn't find one...

I was coming home from work on the Monday before Christmas, it was about 5:00pm and I had an urge to go to the Thrift Store in St. Catharines, about 10 mins away. My friend Julie works across the street so I called and see if she wanted to join me, however she was already home from work, so I decided to go anyways. Something called me there. I grabbed a cart and shuffled my way through the store. I LOVE thrift stores, I always seem to find something great (like my new Jack LaLane Power Juicer for $20)... I was looking around that day in kitchen ware, looking at dishes. I have a set, well a partial set of antique "Johnson Brothers" English China. I found them at a Garage Sale (another passion of mine) about 12 years ago. I picked up 3 dinner plates, a couple small desert bowls, and 4 salad plates, I fell in love with the pattern on the spot. Ever since then I have searched everywhere for this set of China, I have never been able to find it again, not even on e-bay or their website - they have discontinued the pattern. Just my luck! Browsing through the glass and dishware I saw a plate from my Mom's set of "Coral" dishes. For sentimental reasons I reached over and picked it up and held it in my hands. When I picked up that dish, under it I saw a big serving plate with my pattern, it totally matched my set! I was excited, I grinned from ear to ear, and at that moment I could smell my moms perfume, and knew this was my Christmas gift from her. I kept looking around, I went to the other side of the shelves and was even more surprised. Here is what I found: 12 dinner plates, 14 salad plates, 10 bread plates, 12 desert plates, 6 desert bowls, 10 soup bowls, 8 cups and saucers, 1 serving bowl, and a gravy train. I felt like such an idiot, as I loaded the dishes in to my cart I cried, lol, all the way up to the check out lines. I'm sure the guy behind the counter thought I was partially crazy, with my puffy red eyes and my set of dishes... lol

I cleaned up the dishes and put them in my cupboard. I moved my everyday dishes up to the top of the cupboard and now use these as my regular dishes.

Christmas this year felt complete, like Mom was still with us. We exchanged pajamas, woke up and opened presents and had brunch. I still missed her, especially the look in her eyes as we unwrapped gifts but I know her spirit was with us.

Now, I am going to enjoy THIS cup of tea.
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

Time

2009-01-01T12:28:00.002-05:00

Where did 2008 go, does anyone know? I've lost it somewhere around this place, maybe behind the couch, or under the bed or some damn place.

You become.

You became.

You are.

You will be.

This year has sped by. It has not dripped, but rather poured itself into what was, like an hourglass glued to the table. I find it hard to believe, I really do.

Much can happen in 365 days. I am a different person all together. Or perhaps, all apart... I am someone other than who I was, afterall you can't be the same guy even after the passing of a single day.

I have thought about living and I have thought about dying.

I have pondered the complexities of love and the simplicity of hate.

I have read books,

and walked dogs,

and flown around the globe,

and eaten Lasagna,

and washed clothes,

and baked bread,

and cried uncontrollably,

and stared at tall trees,

and contemplated life,

and slept in,

and stood tall,

and thrown my shoulders into my work,

and watched TV until I fell asleep on the couch,

and played with my cat,

and sat in the woods and painted the sunset,

and... and... and... and... You don't ever stop being and doing. I feel like I drift back and forth over the line of what is real and what is not real. I used to think that time is a pretator that stalks all through life, however now I see time as a compannion on our journey through this life and what we leave behind is not as important as how we lived.

Although fast, 2008 was a good year. I did alot of growing, and alot of healing. It's left me in some sort of "slump" tho that I can't see to get out of. I don't even know how to describe it. I just feel bla, maybe its the time of the year, maybe it's the fact that I'm back to work again now... Who knows... My creativity still kinda fades in and out, and when its in, my ambition is out. I just can't seem to get the two to match up. Even now, I am struggling for things to write, you'd think that after a month "vacation" from blogging I'd have LOTS to say... I do have lots to say, I just don't know how to organize it. You can probaby tell my thoughts are very random. lol

I can't fathom what this new year has in it's pockets. I don't want to know. I really don't. I am not much of a planner.I am ready for anything. I just want to be positive and healthy and joyful and optimistic and vital and faithful and kind. I just want to be all that I can be. I want to keep standing. I want to be brave and good. I want to believe that anything is within my grasp and that anything can happen. It can all go good. Life is a dream and I am the dreamer.

Ps. Did I mention that I'm BACK? I wanted to thank everyone as well for the messages you've all left me here and on Bohemian Moms blog too! I really appreciate all your kind words. I have been marked again as a "spam" blog, but at least this time they are letting me post, I just have to enter one of those stupid security codes before I hit the publish button. Some people are just jerks, what can I say? Life keeps a balance...

Until next time,

Embrace the Journey,

Bret =)

...finding my muse

2008-11-29T21:00:00.010-05:00

She was hiding behind the couch all along!

My muse has never been too far from me, always a constant source of inspirations weather I am baking, writing, painting or crocheting. I've found lately shes been rather absent, not from her own doing of course, more from my own inability to connect with her. I've found it rather hard to feel her light this past month which is most likely due to the busyness of my life and constant flow of moving boxes and job interviews, however after the other nights cleanse with the new moon, lead by the always inspiring Sacred Suzie I was able to hear her gentle words again.

I still feel sorta stuck tho, does anyone else know what I mean? Even with blogging, things are very quiet in the community. Are some of us just feeling "outta sorts"? I decided to book an appointment with my holistic therapist to reassess the composition of Bach flowers I am working with and to just get a good check up, see if there were any blockages. We did a life assessment, going a little deeper in to my past, childhood, and current emotional state. It will be a few days before I meet with her again, it allows her some time to go over my details and find the right remedy for me.

I've always done a great job of being able to cleanse my space, but often neglect cleansing myself. Being someone who is empathic, clairvoyant and psychic its really important to properly ground and cleanse myself regularly. I've talked to Suzie about this a few times too, we tend to pick up and hold on to so much in the course of a day, and not all pleasant thoughts or emotions either. I've often held on to others negative baggage for alot longer than I should have. I cleanse myself like I cleanse my space. I light clearing incense and envision my body being taken over by a brilliant white cleansing light which originates in my chest. Slowly I let the ball grow and grow to push out and cleanse all the negativity from my body. I allow it to expand outside my body and sit in that light. I envision a cord from my back, or roots from my feet digging deep deep down into the Earth allowing me to ground, dump excessive negative vibrations and recharge. I smudge myself too, usually with sweet grass, I find that sage gives me nightmares - everyone is different tho. I love to meditate, sitting a white candle on my alter, its my time to recharge.

All these are good after you have encountered a source of negativity, but what can we do to protect ourselves in the moment? Lets face it, we all know someone, friend or family that is overly negative. Sometimes its hard to do whats best for us and dismiss that toxic friend, or limit contact with an overbearing family member so instead I 'put my up shields'. I simply envision a energy barrier between myself and the negativity. I can imagine the negative vibes bouncing off the shield and away from me. Nothing gets through that shield, its like my magick mirror. Give it a try next time someone is outwardly attacking you verbally. Put up your shield, and watch how quickly they give up and walk away, this is great if you work with the public in some sort of Customer Service atmosphere.

AH! Fresh Ideas - my Muse has whispered! I am grabbing my paint brushes, watercolours and a blank canvas!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

Brightest Blessings, Embrace the Journey.

...life as I see it

2008-11-25T10:29:00.009-05:00

Has everyone taken a second today and realized that we are 1 month away from Christmas? I'm not entirely sure where the past few months have gone too. Where are they?? I want them back!!

My mom was always very big on Christmas, she always decorated the house from top to bottom with garland, ceramic villages, colourfull glass balls, red bows, snowmen and anything else Christmas she could get her hands on. Since my moms has passing last year I've been living on my own, I haven't really had the "Christmas Spirit"... I haven't decorated my apartment at all. Two nights ago I dreamt that she came to tell me to get my ass in gear and at least put up a Christmas tree, I half remember arguing back and fourth with her but ultimately she won, which is evident by the decorated tree now standing in my living room. She must have been to my friend Amie's that night too, because In the morning she messaged me to say "Hey, do you need a Christmas Tree, I have an extra one here..." Geeze, imagine that! Thanks Mom! LOL

My sister came over and helped me adjust the base and fluff the branches, string the lights and place the star at the top of the tree. Although its a simple process to assemble and decorate a tree it was nice to have my sisters here since my mom can't be. After all this is the first time I've put up a Christmas Tree... Thanks Amie! :)

Amie herself is a special woman. She has an amazing blog which you can check out at http://soapboxandotherstuff.blogspot.com/ Her blog is ever changing and ever evolving, much like Amie herself. We've been friends for nearly 10 years now and I've been witness to her evolution. Amie is a wonderful mother of two (plus one on the way), a loving wife, a beautiful daughter and an amazing best friend! (And not just because of the free Christmas Tree hahaha)

As a Gay Man who eventually wants to settle down and have a few Children of my own, Amie holds a special place in my heart. She is an angel in disguise to those who can't carry their own Children - Amie is a surrogate. It really takes a special person to carry someone else's child, which Amie has done twice now, first a set of beautiful twins (delivered by C-section) and second a beautiful boy (delivered naturally - 10 lbs - naturally lol). You can check out her birth stories HERE. I am truly happy that she and the love of her life are now able to have a baby of their own! I can't wait for the upcoming winter nights - Amie comes over and we crochet a storm of blankets, booties and baby hats! Amie is also a brilliant seamstress and will be doing her part for the environment by sewing and using mainly cloth diapers! How smart!! I love getting back to the basics! So look forward to some crafty ideas on our blogs in the up and coming weeks! :)

This is how an e-mail will eventually look:

Dear Amie,
Remember how you let me borrow that Christmas tree a
while back? Well its great, but I'm wondering this Christmas season if you could
let me borrow your uterus for about 9-10 months...

Thanks,
Bret

Hopefully by the time I'm ready shes not 34 with a womb full of dusty ovaries!

Thankfully I live in Canada and not California and will be able to get married when my time is right. I still can't believe that this Proposition 8 BS passed. What is wrong with people? If you want to save the sanctity of marriage than ban Divorce, not Gay Marriage... I don't understand why people can't stay out of their neighbours bedrooms, sex lives, ovaries, and wombs. You'd think the Government in the US has more pressing concerns to deal with right now with the economic crisis then if two lesbians want to get married and renovate a house together... It just makes me sad, however I am not a politician and know that President-elect Barack Obama will have some amazing changes in store for the American People.

Any who, it is now time to start my day! :)
Hope everyone is keeping well!
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

...feeling like homo, OH I mean home!

2008-11-22T11:20:00.010-05:00

I've been putting off bringing my cat home to my apartment for about a month now. I wanted to have some things in place before I reintroduced him to our space - for example a few good scratching posts so he doesn't tear the hell out of my couch. On the stove I warmed some grapeseed oil and a few hand fulls of catnip over a double boiler. I let it warm over night, strained it this morning and bottled the oil after applying a few drops to the scratching posts. I am trying to make them really attractive for Friskey. He hasn't scratched the post or couch yet (that I've caught him doing) for now he seems content to sit in the sunny windows and watch the children play in the snow down below.

When I discovered my apartment was on fire I bolted past a few firemen, ran upstairs and tried to gain entry past my door to save him. Of course my efforts were thwarted by the firemen at the top of the stairs... I was willing to risk it to save him, after all I would just be returning the favour - he's always been there for me when I needed him. I never realized how attached I could be to a cat. Originally I had only adopted him because I felt bad about drinking alone... I didn't want to feel like I had a problem - and getting a cat was the perfect solution! LOL

This past week I had a lunch date with one of my favourite bloggers Bohemian Mom. We went to a little local restaurant - The Blue Star - it's been around since before Christ was born, my grandparents used to meet there for lunch before they were married. The Blue Star has two dining options 1. the fancy new dining room, and 2. the original 50's style dining room. We chose the original dining room because we knew we were going to be loud and obnoxious and didn't want to disturb anyone else. However the seats in this dining room were built for Kate Moss and we just didn't fit as well as we would have liked too... As much as I like boho I don't want to sit on her lap until I've had a few drinks. We switched to the other dining room....

Boho gave me an AMAZING house warming gift too! A hand carved, Indonesian statue of Buddha. I was thinking I could place him on my alter but ultimately chose my fireplace mantle. It looks great!! Thanks Boho I love it!! :)

What I am reading...

Boho also gave me this amazing book; "Why Gay Guys Are a Girl's Best Friend" written by Karen Rauch & Jeff Fessler. It's hilarious! Have a look at one of the random pages...

On the left it reads "Gay guys regularly join you at the gym to keep your bodies trim and fit" and on the right it reads" Straight guys religiously go to the gym to watch the woman's boobs jiggle on the StairMaster."

Funny AND true! (However I haven't seen a StairMaster since 1906).

Well it is officially the weekend and I am hoping for some warmer weather but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen, so I am going to embrace the snow, make a few cups of Rice Milk Hot Chocolate and read a good book in front of the fireplace.

Enjoy your weekend

Embrace your journey!

Bret xoxo

PS. Don't tell the Cat, but he's getting bathed today! ;)

Kicking Up My Feet

2008-11-14T16:42:00.010-05:00

It is growing darker out side as the position of the Sun sinks slowly into the river. The pale grey skies and crisp Autumn air mark the transition from what was an amazingly warm day to what will prove to be a cold and frigid night.

I've kicked my feet up on my coffee table after a long day of puttering around and cleaning my apartment. This morning I filled my bucket with hot water and soap, and got on my hands and knees to wash the kitchen, bathroom and living room floors. I don't own a mop, thanks to my Grandmother, I could hear her voice in my head; "What, well what the hell is that? A Mop? Well what the hell do you use it for? Washing the floors? Haven't ya ever heard of a dish rag and a bucket of hot water and soap? Let me see it, give it here... My goodness, this God Damn thing wouldn't clean shit of a horses ass. God dammit." Yup, that's my Grandmother - so needless to say I'm actually terrified to get a mop, the woman would roll over in her grave, or haunt me or something. Did I ever tell you about the time my Grandmother (in her younger years of living on a farm) tried to mount a horse? She led the horse to a fence, climbed the fence, jumped on the horse, and as she struggled with her dress (women weren't allowed to wear pants in those days) she fell over and landed in a big pile of horse and cow manure. She wore pants after that.

Its been nearly two months now and I will be honest and admit I am not fully moved in yet. There are still minor touches yet to be done; lights over top of my artwork, window sills dusted, and I haven't gotten around to sewing up my window coverings and shower curtain. Some days I wonder if the finishing touches will ever be complete, but I know its only a matter of time...

I've almost finished decorating my living room. I am happy sitting here watching a movie, reading or blogging. I'm still looking for a fern or two to hang in front of the windows, a new ceiling light and a lamp for the back corner of the room by my desk. No one would ever know 4 months ago this room was covered in a thick oily, smoky residue from my apartment fire. (Check out the before pictures HERE)

Here is a quick picture of my living room that I took this afternoon:

The kitchen is coming along nicely - well certainly alot nicer than the charred remains of the last kitchen. I took these too this afternoon:

I am very happy with the way things turned out. I actually like my apartment better than before the fire. My kitchen is totally brand new. My oven is full sized now and I have no problem fitting in a few dozen cookies at a time ;)

Earlier this afternoon I realized it was time to clean out my fridge. I had odd vegetables here and there, some never used, some left over from previous meals or my morning juicing - so I decided to make a big pot of soup! I love soup especially "kitchen sink" soup where all my ready to spoil veggies go.

The recipe is easy. I started with a few tablespoons of butter in my soup pot, along with some bacon and onions chopped up. Once those were cooked, and starting to brown I added 1/4 cup of flour and mixed it really well and let the flour cook for a few minuets. I jacked up the heat and whisked in 8 cups of chicken broth (the best tasting brand I've found comes from the Dollar Store believe it or not!) Once that heated I added the rest of my milk, about 3 cups (it was about to spoil - I rarely drink cows milk and usually have just a little here for when friends stop by for tea - I'm a big fan of rice milk). Once all that was nice and hot I added cubed potatoes, sliced carrots, celery, tomato, and broccoli. No specific amounts, just what I had in the fridge. You really can't mess this recipe up.

The soup has been simmering on the stove for a few hours now, and its ready to eat anytime. The nice thing about soup is that it keeps in the fridge well, and freezes even better! I save my old yogurt containers and fill them with soup, label them, and freeze them.

I have a couple of friends coming to visit tonight so I better jet and get prepared!

Have a Wonderful Weekend!

Embrace your Journey.

Bret

Difficulties with Soul Coaching

2008-11-11T21:01:00.006-05:00

So, I am going to admit it. I am having problems with Soul Coaching. I wrote last night that I was having some difficulties keeping up, and received some feedback that others were too. I almost feel that my blog has lost its focus, it doesn't feel like me anymore. I've overloaded it with Soul Coaching - and although its been an amazing course and I recommend it to everyone - its just completely shifted my blogging focus. I barely have time to blog, and I am rarely able to read in depth my friends blogs and make comments with substance; and that doesn't feel right.

So here is what I've decided to do. I've taken all my Air Week posts and copied them all into one post. Its alot to read. I am going to post at the end of each elemental week - one post recapping my journey through the week - I've deleted my Water Week posts so far and transferred them back into my journal.

I give ALOT of credit to anyone who is able to keep up with the course, blog posts and process journal however it just isn't for me.

So back to life for me, AND the dirty dishes in the sink!
Embrace the Journey
Bret

Soul Coaching - Air Week

2008-11-04T19:27:00.004-05:00

It has been an amazing four days of Soul Coaching, and I am thankful that I can now upload my previous four days of this journey now that I have an Internet connection. I have been doing my readings, workings and journaling in the mornings, during my glass of freshly blended vegetable juice! It's a fab way to kick off the day. In the evening I will be posting my writings. :)

I have found that the affirmations thus far have been wonderfully inspiring, and I find myself leaving them on little "post it" notes around my home to remind me. I also leave notes to breathe, relax, do my yoga and centre myself. I feel connected!

I had originally split my 4 days into 4 different posts, but I've decided to combine it all together for less clicking, and less reading! I know we are all busy right now. so here we go.

Soul Coaching - Nov 1 - Day 1 - Life Assessment

Its easy to see where I am in life right now, I'm at the beginning. I've just moved into my gorgeous apartment, which truly feels sacred and like home to me. I'm mostly finished painting, and decorating, and am happy when I turn the key to open the front door. I am in the process of finding a new job, not something that feeds my soul yet, just something to pay the bills for now. My job and career is the major focus area, however I am lacking a plan...

In the next 28 days I intend to find that plan, to write it out, and take the necessary steps to complete it, my authentic self is in reach.

I have assessed my steps and leaps and realized that I do have a few big leaps, but nothing a little motivation shouldn't take care of. Mainly my biggest leaps concern my job, which is understandable, because my job is non existent right now! lol

I have spent the day remembering to breath deeply, its really helped me to open up and bring realizations about the past to the surface.

Soul Coaching - Nov 2 - Day 2 - Making a Commitment to Change Your Life.

I've always had a hard time committing to take action. I can see and form a plan, but have great troubles executing it. This will be a big struggle for me, but I know that even if I have set backs and are unable to fulfill commitments one day, tomorrow is always a fresh start.

Commitments that I have been putting off, that I want to make to myself, and commit to do each day are: Juicing, Meditation, Yoga, Breathing, and Being Conscious of my Food and Drink Intake.

Organizing my values in life was really difficult, I wanted each value on page 39 to be #1, or at least very close to it. Although I couldn't put them in order just yet, I have narrowed down my top 5 values that coincide with me: Love, Security, Connection to Family, Creativity, Peace. It will be interesting to see if and how these values change in the next 26 days.

I've made a list of things that I have been putting off, a rather long list now that I look at it. I picked something rather easy to do, something I was comfortable doing but was putting off, for whatever reasons I'm not too sure.... lol I called Bell Canada to have my Internet Service installed. It doesn't seem like much, but for some reason I just cant get the motivation to do some of these things. After I got off the phone the feeling of accomplishment felt great, so I tackled something else on my list too, I updated my resume, all three versions. (I have different versions depending on what kind of job I am applying for; Business Management, Customer Service, or Medical.) I felt pretty good after finishing my updates, it will make the job application process so much easier. I think I dislike change!

I am aware of the air around me, the way it graces my skin, the cool breeze that spins around me, but also the warm sun that still shines through the clouds on occasion. I breath deeply in this cool crisp air, I feel alive.

Soul Coaching - Nov 3 - Day 3 - Clearing Clutter in Your Bedroom/Bathroom.

Wow, this was a nice and easy day for me. After moving back in to my apartment after the fire things are already cleansed! My bathroom is a clean slate right now, nothing in the drawers or cabinets except for some shampoo and deodorant! My bedroom is a virtually blank too. I have my bed, my empty closet and empty dresser (I haven't moved my clothes in yet) my alter and a few nicknack's, pictures and vases. In fact my whole apartment is in this stage, as if Level 3 had already been completed for me!

Instead of having to worry about the clutter clearing I am focusing on breathing. Breathing in self acceptance, and breathing out self judgement. This was the main focus of my yoga practice this morning.

Soul Coaching - Nov 4 - Day 4 - Where Are You Now in Your Life?

Today's coaching fits in so well with what I have been recently trying to achieve in my life. Changing my dis empowering words and thoughts about myself (an others) to more empowering words. The law of attraction, changing your words really does change your life.

Today's lessons have been my favourite so far. I've really learned to take the seemingly negative and make it a positive. In accordance with this, I've realized that I am not fat, I am well insulated and ready for cold winter weather. lol

The Journey thus far has been amazing. The week of Air has really opened up alot for me and helped me clear out "junk". I am excited to start my week of Water. Here are my writings from the last few days.

Soul Coaching - Nov 5 - Day 5

As I walked through my home trying to understand the first level of today's workings I picked up various objects and quickly understood what Denise Linn is talking about. I my kitchen I have a set of three crystal canisters which hold my tea, sugar and flour. They are very special to me as they belonged to my Grandmother and one of my earliest memories is getting cups of sugar and flower from the canisters while helping her bake. I walked around my apartment looking at other objects. I came across a gift that I had bought my ex (then current) boyfriend. After the house fire I could have easily chosen to junk this piece of history, but I chose to save it, and reclaim as my own, I like it. I understand the value of her lesson, and how some objects can either raise or lower your energy but I'm sure as hell not going to throw out something I like just because it reminds me of an old fight here or there. If that were the case - everything I owned would be in the trash!

I completed the next two levels with ease. Since the air week has been about clearing and cleansing your space, I've had an easy time - honestly set your house on fire, it REALLY helps with the cleansing process!! lol

Soul Coaching - Nov 6 - Day 6

"I am safe and centered no matter where I am"

Mmmmmm, I just love this affirmation. I am someone who enjoys to feel safe and secure no matter where I am. As today's first level coincided with one of my commitments from a few days past the 15 minuets of quietness and emptiness were already on my to-do list. I don't really keep a schedule of my life. I do admit that I struggle with time management - sometimes I am really late, or really early. I've never thought to schedule joy or relaxation but it seems to be a wise notion. There is one thing that I think I could delegate from my schedule... Cleaning!! I think its time to get a housekeeper! lol

I cleaned out the files on my computer today. Got rid of old files, put pictures in the right folders and organized things on my digital desktop. I ran a virus scan, and backed up all my important files and photos and feel really good about it, its been something I had been putting off for a while.

Soul Coaching - Nov 7 - Day 7

I usually do my best to ask and watch for signs as I did today. While driving to the grocery store I hit every red light on my Journey. I love red lights because they are my reminder to slow down, stop, and take a deep breath. I've been asking myself all day "Why am I here"? The answers I usually hear are "To live, love and learn". I second guessed this for a while, wondering if that was a 'good enough' reason to be here... I guess its as good a reason as anything else would be. I'm not here to cure cancer, or to lead a country, just to be me, and after all, who I am is enough.

________________________________________

In General I wonder how everyone is doing with the Soul Coaching course? What are your true feelings? Personally I feel that the course is flying by. I barely have time to integrate the lessons into my being. I've found there are certain things I've breezed through, and other things I would have liked to spend a couple days on. I think after we've all finished I will give the book another look through, maybe spend 2 or 3 days on some of the affirmations and levels, really think about things, and really dive deeper into my soul. I've found that November has been unusually busy for me, perhaps that's part of the problem, along with no Internet - I just feel I am rushing through the lessons to keep up each day rather than really absorbing them well...

Hope everyone is doing well, I am glad I got a chance to catch up on every ones blog today! :)

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

My Little Vampire

2008-10-31T01:25:00.004-04:00

Its finished!

For my niece Ksenia's first Halloween costume I was asked to sew a vampires cape. Normally first time mothers usually dress their children up in cute cuddly costumes like bears, and tigers, and frogs, but not my sister, she's down with the jazz of Halloween! She was meant to be a vampire for Halloween too; she has 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, her hair makes this cute curl Right in the centre of her forehead, and when shes playing or wants something she makes this really Erie zombie "roar" where she sucks air into the back of her throat, it actually sounds like shes choking. The first time she did that to me I was actually a little afraid... lol

The costume is made of black and red silks back to back, with a cardboard stuffed collar so it pops up around her neck. I've also made here a little bat with button eyes, which hangs from a satin string, and silk wrist cuff with Velcro fasteners. Shes already gotten a hold of the bat a few times and loves to play with it!

I am trying to convince my breast feeding sister to wear a white shirt ripped and covered in blood in all the 'right places' *wink wink*, so it looks like while feeding, the baby has attacked her! I don't think she will do it tho, not all of our family and friends have a sick sense of humour like me! lol

I can't wait to see it on her!
I hope she shares her candy with Uncle Bretty
However, since its now 1:31am and I am finally all finished I am off to bed!

Enjoy your Halloween! :)

Bret

TAGGED!! I've Been Hit!

2008-10-24T21:53:00.002-04:00

I love these tags!! I've got a few moments to spare while I catch up on life, this bottle of wine and the rest of the box of chocolate covered cheesecake squares. Yes, they are as wonderful as they sound, and no, you may not have any! hahaha. So here we go! :)

I've been tagged by a few of my blogging friends out here, so here they are!!
The always wonderful Andy at The Spiritual Journey Of A Somerset Pagan
The ever vibrant Solstice Dreamer
A kick ass artist; Jen at Chasing Domestic Bliss
The ever inspiring Nydia at Bringing up Salamanders
A strong woman who brings me to tears all the way from a Welsh Hillside; Moonroot

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six Random Things About Me:

1. I hate socks. Don't ask me what it is about wearing socks, but I just can't do it. I am very huggy and tactile, and like to feel the world beneath me. I love the feeling of rocks, sand, grass and even snow on my feet. I like to feel connected to the Earth, anyway I can.

2. I am a Gemini, and its VERY obvious. One personality likes to build decks, rewire houses, camp, chop wood, and work on cars WHILE the other personality likes to stay home with the kids (not mine of course) bake cookies, knit, crochet, plant flowers and do facials from the bathtub.... Both very different people who make up my personality.

3. I am claustrophobic, my mom was too. I can't stand to be stuck in tight spaces, or even see people crawl through those cool underground caves on the discovery channel. I have nightmares for weeks when I see that. I dream of being stuck in a tunnel, faced with a dead end, with no room to turn around. Sometimes I wake up gently sobbing.

4. I've been told that I am an amazing kisser and cuddler, however only a very select people know this hehehe. I should open a kissing booth, 1$ - any takers?

5. Birthday/Christmas/Holiday Card shopping makes me cry. I get past about 3-4 cards before I start to cry after reading words that touch or inspire me. I cry very easily, its easy for me to let my guard down. Get that from my mom too... lol I can't fight verbally with someone either, half way through my sentences I cry and make no sense when I'm upset or hurt.

6. My feelings bruise easily and I am easily hurt. The opposite is true as well tho, its the small things in life that bring me great joy and pleasure. Phone calls, little notes and random messages that show you care :)

So there you have it! Six random things about me...
Thank you all for tagging me, I love these, its fun to get to know our fellow bloggers! :)

The six I am tagging at random (hopefully you haven't been tagged already - so feel free to do this, or pass it on) are:

1. BohoMom @ Words from a Single Bohemian Mom - My partner and crime and moving buddy this month!! lol
2. Jennifer @ Crazy, Magic, Sometimes Hectic, Beautiful LIFE! - Always seems to inspire me, I hold on to her words like glue! Check this girl out!!
3. Dee @ iGoddess - Grounding, Centering - like a day at the spa, Dee is where I check my Moral Compass when I'm headed off path.
4. Mary @ Mary Says - One of the kindest, funniest ladies on the Net! Shes a hoot and a 1/2!
5. JJJJJane @ The Painted House - What can I even say really? Jane inspires me, and her words help me climb the rope, and continue on when I think I'm at the end.
6. Amie @ The Cross Stitch Bitch - That's right, she cross stitches AND shes a Bitch! Check out Amie if your a creative bitch (come on - we all know we are)

Keep safe,
Have a wonderful weekend
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

I'm Moving!

2008-10-20T12:03:00.003-04:00

In the 4 minuets it will take for the tea kettle to boil, I am writing a new post to keep everyone up to date! My past week, well two weeks really have been super crazy busy! I have been painting mostly, and now in the past few days I have been moving. Small van fulls at a time, furniture, dishes and memories. I have a dishwasher, so the most time consuming thing is washing dishes, each load takes about 45 minuets, and I am running each set of dishes/glassware through 2 loads (just to make sure all the smokey residue from the fire is gone). Everything is coming out nicely tho, and I am very impressed at how my little apartment is again becoming my home.

Its true what they say; home is where the heart is. I had thought I lost that feeling in the fire, but now with the process of moving back I am beginning to feel it again. This is where my heart has been, hiding the whole time. Who would have knew?

I've been able to read a bunch of your blogs, but not make comments yet. I try to make my comments as thoughtful and dear to your heart, as your writing is dear to mine. In the next couple of days I will make up for lost time (blogging from my new couch no less) and be in touch with everyone!

Until then,

Embrace the Journey wherever it leads you.

Home is where the heart is. Its your temple, your sacred space.

Its where your family gathers, your children are raised and your soul resides.

Paint, hang pictures, display artwork. Inject yourself into those blank walls, and your house will truly become your home.

Bret xoxo

The Painted House..

2008-10-15T17:57:00.016-04:00

OK, so I stole the title from the always wonderful Jane at The Painted House, but it sorta applies to the last week or two of my journey. I've made the decision, written the checks and started to move back into my old/new apartment in the historic Victorian house in Niagara Falls. It was quite a decision to make, but in the end I had to take my own advice and realize that the universe is looking out for me, this is part of my path, and part of my journey, and everything happens for a reason. Ultimately in the end, I figured that if the powers that be didn't want me to move back in, they would have torched the whole house! lol

I opened the front door to reveal a sense of home that I thought I had lost. With my friend Amie by my side, I walked in only to discover that they had painted the entire apartment their standard Yellow. Now, when I say yellow, I don't mean a nice shade of cream, or a calming golden poppy, it screamed lemon yellow!

First thing was first. I headed to home depot and found my old colour swatches for the living room. If you remember (pictures in a few posts below) my living room was a medium shade of chocolate, and my hallway was creme. I had a few cans of paint mixed, along with a few recycled cans that my sister was finished with and set to work.

In the first night of painting my friend Julie (who conveniently lives only 4 doors down) finished the living room, kitchen and hallway. It sure helped to have a second hand. She cut in all the corners and trim, and I came along with the roller and rolled on my fab colours! The next night I took my bed linens into Home Depot and they colour matched them to a paint colour called Canadian Sky, I love it, and in a few hours finished my bedroom. Check out these pictures! ;)

The only problem I am really having is the two bathrooms. The floors are now very dark - as they were the old hex shaped glass tiles before, now they are dark tiles in shades of browns and red. Prior to the fire, my bathrooms were blue, spa like, but it seems now that my old decor wont match with the new, which is okay. I can adapt, change is good, right?? *Bites Fingernails*

I was thinking to either paint the two bathrooms the Kitchen Green (fully) or do a beige on the bottom, green or brown on the tops, and accessorize accordingly. What does everyone think? I could REALLY use some decoration advice here!! I can't see the finished product like I normally would, my old bathroom is still stuck in my mind! Check these pictures to give you a better idea of the layout and design....

See how the floors are now so dark? I don't do dark well... I wanted the bathroom to be, fresh, and alive, and spa like. Something calming and relaxing, not comfortable and homey... Does that make sense?? hehehe So what do you think? ;)

Also, just a painting tip for everyone. There is no easy way to say this... No gentle way to put it... So here it goes... Those with da Fat Ass should not stand a chair to paint! That's right, This Guy's fat ass did a little chair damage over the weekend, however the constant laughter of the site in which I left the chair kept both Julie and I rather amused. So if you have a weak stomach, and hate to see a good chair in pain, you may not want to look at the next picture...

Yup, that's all that is left of it. As it lays in ruins on the hallway floor I can only imagine that out there some tree hugging hippie heart is breaking at the thought that a tree was cut down to build this chair, only to have my fat ass break it to provide some comic relief in an other wise boring afternoon...

Embracing the Journey, while ladder shopping...

Bret =)

turkey... Turkey... TURKEY!!!

2008-10-13T22:32:00.011-04:00

It is now the end of what was a very long and filling day. I went to bed last night organizing recipes and times in my mind, figuring out when to prepare the pies, when to chop the bread for the stuffing, and when to baste the turkey. I was also laying in bed thinking about my mom, and how she is missing another family holiday.

I awoke in the morning, feeling the weight of perfection on my shoulders. Mom always prepared dinners with ease; being able to time the turkey, stuffing, pies and potatoes perfectly. She made it look so easy, I still haven't figured out how she accomplished this. I struggled this morning with getting the pumpkin pies in the oven early enough so I would have time to cook the turkey for 5 hours, while allowing me time to prepare and bake the stuffing as well (we don't stuff the bird here - my sister wont eat stuffing that way... Can't blame her, considering where its being stuffed...) Which brings me to another point, I really feel bad; I had my hand up that turkeys ass all morning and I didn't even take her out to the movies! There just didn't seem to be enough time for everything I had to do. I never realized how much work went into a meal until I took over cooking years ago.

Overall dinner went off well, and 6 hours of baking, cooking, boiling and roasting were concluded with 38 minuets of eating. Isn't that how it always goes? You spend the whole day cooking and a fraction of that time eating. Does that piss off anyone else, or is it just me? lol

There are more dishes in the sink than I can shake a stick at. I usually don't mind washing and drying, but tonight I'd rather go soak in the bath tub. My Grandmother loved to wash dishes, I'm not too sure why. She'd always tell me that when she was growing up the neighbours could tell when she and her siblings were washing dishes - they'd say "oh the Schaeffer kids are singing, they must be washing up the dishes again". I always laughed at that story because my Grams had an awful singing voice, however she claimed quite the opposite in her younger days...

She would sing "oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way..." I can still hear her voice, and its funny because when I wake up in the morning, and the sun is shining its the first thing that comes to mind, sometimes I find myself humming it... She was also famous for other classics such as "arc du lieber augustine" which is a German song about kids with shit in their pants, and the Lemonade song, which went like this "lemonade lemonade 5 cents a glass, if you don't like it stick it up your ass." She wasn't all knitted sweaters and crochet blankets you know ;) lol My mom didn't always approve of her musical teachings...

Its funny the things you remember years later, memories that are triggered by familiar smells and actions. I swear I could smell my moms perfume in the kitchen when I was struggling with the baking. I could feel her gentle guidance when I asked aloud if I bake the pie shells before I fill them, or how much celery salt to use in the stuffing.

So today I am thankful for her recipes. It may not seem like much to some, but they have helped to keep her spirit alive. As I grasped the wooden spoon to stir the pumpkin filling on the stove I felt her hand guide mine, giving me the strength I needed to get through the day. Thanks Mom!

Now that I am exhausted, I am off to bed!

Embrace the Journey

Bret :-)

Closets are for Clothes!

2008-10-03T22:11:00.006-04:00

Inspired by the ever lovely Sacred Suzie I wanted to write a little bit about my "coming out" experience. Now, like Suzie, I've also transitioned from being in the "broom closet" to being out, but unlike Suzie that wasn't the last of my closet renovations ha-ha! I've also come out of the other closet, you know... The "closet" closet.

Being and accepting the fact that I was gay was actually surprisingly easy for me as the majority of my past lives were as a woman, it just seemed normal for me oddly enough. Telling others of my sexual preferences tho was difficult. A very select few of my friends knew in High school, I was very lucky to have a friend who was also a lesbian - and the perfect prom date; no pressure! Through High school and into my adult life I have always kept friends who are open minded, non-judgemental, and accepting. Even tho I grew up in a small city, friends like this weren't hard to find, we just sort of found each other by instinct. I was never ridiculed, or made fun of. No one centered me out or hazed me. There have been so many young lives lost, or taken because of their sexual preferences. I've certainly been lucky.

Coming out to my family was a little more difficult. My sisters have always been supportive, and from a young age (before I was ready to come out) they would constantly say to me: "Bret, we know you are Gay, its okay, we are your sisters, we love you and will always be here for you..." I denied it for a while, I think I was afraid to disappoint them. It was several years into my teenage years before I sat them down and exposed my sexuality. The typical response from them was: "Bret, we know, its okay. Can we go clothes shopping now?" lol

My mom was the person whom I was most afraid to tell, not because I thought she would disapprove, or disown me, but because I didn't want her to think for a second that she had did something wrong in rearing me. I didn't want her to feel that if she had done things different my life would be different, less complicated and therefore better. After all, all moms only want the best for their children... She stood silently in the kitchen washing dishes. I entered the room, quietly. I started to tell her; slowly engaging her in conversation, I said firstly, "mom did you hear that Rosie O'Donnell just came out of the closet, she is a LESBIAN!" She put down the dish she was washing without blinking an eye, and with her tea towel slung over her shoulder she put her hand on mine, and whispered gently, "Bret, it's okay, Mom's know these things..." and by the look in her big, accepting, loving brown eyes I knew that she knew. She smiled at me and picked up another dirty dish. I remember feeling lighter afterwards.

My dad has been another story, being an Aries male, he doesn't have any emotions except for distrust, anger and hate. He's never accepted me, and its taken me a long time to realize that I don't need his acceptance. I wont bore anyone with my sob story of how my dad has treated me over the years, and still continues too, but I've become a much stronger man in the past couple of months and no longer allow him to disrespect my personal temple. He actually refuses to come to family events that I host at my apartment in fear of running into a gay friend, or something else gay... I was shocked when he first admitted the reason why he hadn't visited, ever, in the 18 months I resided there. I think he must assume that while I'm making Thanksgiving dinner I host a gay orgy, and take breaks every 25 minuets to baste the turkey. Maybe hes just afraid to "catch the gay". It doesn't affect my spirit any longer.

Coming out of the Broom Closet was alot more difficult. I've always struggled with my personal beliefs. Throughout the years, even tho I've kept friends who are open minded and accepting, there have been a few who have turned their backs on me. Mostly out of fear. I find that people don't give the time for you to explain your convictions, after all its much quicker to pass judgement and walk away than to listen. Not that i've ever advertised my religious beliefs, or thrown them in any ones face I have always taken part in many Pagan/Wiccan activities; everything from reading tarot cards to raise money for the food drive "Project Share" in Niagara falls, to drumming circles and festivals. I've only been told a handful of times that I will burn in hell, or that I have no soul, and I've only had holy water thrown on me 3 times, I consider myself pretty lucky, it could have been worse. During a canned goods collection drive for less fortunate families in my community, a Christian group showed up to protest our efforts. They had signs and everything! They were chanting something to the affect that every non perishable food item we touched would be damned and unholy. Finally I yelled out "It's canned Peas! Of course its unholy!" They weren't impressed. It was sad, but as events progressed I actually had to phone the police, they had turned to throwing rocks at us, like it was 1604 or something.

My family of course had always been accepting, and follow the same path as me. My mom allowed us to explore different religions for ourselves, she believed that like Rome, God had many roads to him as well. My mom was very Magickal herself. Being the source of premonitions, psychic insight, empathic ability and clairvoyance she's always been their to guide us. My dad on the other hand is a "born again Christian", the kind that drink, swear, gamble, cheat on their wives and steal. I've never expressed my religious beliefs to him, although I do debate some Christian ideals with him. I've always said, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. lol There would just be no point. I won't give him another reason to try to desecrate my personal temple.

So there you have it, "This Guy's Journey" out of the Closets. Like I always say, like it or not, this is who I am, this is who I will always be. It's not a choice, it's just the direction my soul is taking this time around. Always be true to yourself.

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

Still Avoiding the Slammer!

2008-09-27T15:27:00.004-04:00

Yup, that's right! I haven't found myself behind bars yet! LOL

Actually I am feeling very well, thanks in most part to the amazing comments left by all of you! :) In the past couple of days I have realized a few things about love, the human heart and others rights to choose.

I still feel sorta wierdish about the whole situation, which I know is to be expected. I've never been one to accept change easily -- luckily one of my Bach Flower Remedies is directly meant for dealing with new changes. I don't want to see my dad alone for the rest of his time here on this earth. I realize now that the heart doesn't replace, it expands. Once I realized that I could relate it to my own experiences. I've changed best friends over the years, loves have come and gone, but my own heart has never replaced, its just grown bigger to accept more loves. (As its in the process of growing bigger this very moment.) I think the same thing happened when a Woman has more than one child, her heart doesn't replace, it expands - which explains every time that I've asked my mom "who do you love the most" she always responded with "I love you three all the same". A typical mom answer eh? heheheh

So I've been gentle with my dad, it must be hard for him too. I told him that his new lady friend seemed very nice and very pretty too. I think he's rather stunned that I haven't lost it emotionally, lol, my sisters are rather impressed too. I've learned tho that just as I need to make my own choices, and follow my own path, my father needs to do the same. I trust his choices and decisions, and know that what is meant to happen will surly happen. Although I am not 100% okay with his timeline, these choices, (right or wrong - I can't judge him) are his to make. If he realizes that it was too soon, and he carries around guilt for his choices, it will be his to carry, not mine.

So again, thank you all so much for your comments, you've all made a very difficult transition in my life very easy. I am so thankful for all the words of wisdom, advice, heart felt stories and compassion. If any of you are every in the Niagara Falls area of Ontario let me know, I owe you a glass of wine ;)

Embracing the Journey,

One step at a time.

Bret =)

Blogging from my Jail Cell...

2008-09-24T23:48:00.000-04:00

Thank the Goddess for my recent rounds (including the one this morning) of Homeopathic treatments! This very blog post could have been made from the inside of a 8x8 foot Jail Cell tonight if it wasn't for my little bottle of Bach Flower Remedies I keep beside me.

I came home from a night at my sisters house to an empty house, with an 1/2 finished bottle of wine and 2 empty wine glasses sitting gingerly on the kitchen table. The house had been freshly cleaned and vacuumed, and towels were folded neatly on the bathroom counter. It was a matter of 20 minuets before my dad came home, with, can I get a drum roll please, his new Girlfriend 'Karen'... First thing I did was make sure the button on my boxers was tightly sealed, but before I could escape into a different room she was in the door and introductions were taking place.

I didn't shake her hand, I barely made eye contact. I'm not too sure why at the time, but after some time to think about it, I think I was afraid to disrespect my moms memory by welcoming her into the house. I'm not too sure what to think, what to feel, what to say... I feel very much dis attached from the situation.

We sat at the kitchen table, my father to the left, and Karen to the right. My back was to the refrigerator, where a clipping of my mothers obituary still hangs. I felt the clipping staring at me. I felt it warm my back, almost as it was slowly burning into me. It was a strange feeling. I spoke to Karen, answering personal questions about home, job and family. I really didn't know what I was saying, I just politely and respectfully answered her questions.

To be very honest, I sat at the table upset (which is a very mild feeling for me). I was upset that only after 1 year and 1 month my father has started to date. Karen isn't a new name around this house, we have been hearing her name, and seeing her number on the call display for a few months now and I've witnessed several messages regarding bottles of wine, and dinner out on the answering machine.

I'm not too sure how to describe how I am feeling only an hour after meeting her, live and in person, right here in the very home where I've grown up. I'm not too sure what I should be feeling. Any ideas? LOL I don't want my dad to be alone for the rest of his life, but part of me expects him to be. I can't go to Wallmart or Momdepot and select a new mom during a 1/2 price clearance sale. The baby doesn't get to have a Grandmother now. Why should he be allowed to move on with his life so easily? It seems that he grieves whenever it suits him. Running his own business he's been late remitting the corporate taxes many time, and his main excuse is: "I just lost my wife..." He hasn't filed a company year end in 3 years. His excuse again is: "I just lost my wife..." He claims to be so distraught that he cannot function in his everyday life (which I think is an excuse) but then brings home a Girlfriend, and expects us to be understanding. Well I assume he expects us to understand.

I think I am feeling anger, which is an emotion I have been working very hard to eliminate from my heart. I recognize it now. I see it trying to take root, I'll choose not to let it consume me, but I won't bury or suppress it. I do realize that I can't be angry or hate my father for his choices. I don't have to live with his choices, they are his to make.

Is a year too soon after death to be dating someone? Should I be sitting down with my dad (an Aries male) to have a heart to heart conversation about how I feel about this? Should I just mind my own business and ignore the situation? Should I embrace the situation and be happy for my dad that he doesn't have to be alone?

I'm feeling a little lost and overwhelmed here....

....trying to embrace my journey

Bret

Mercury in Retrograde

2008-09-23T14:47:00.001-04:00

I've had a few questions about Mercury entering Retrograde in the past few days, so here we go! ;)

At 07:18am on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Libra, the sign of the Scales, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! Acutally, you might have felt the the effects already as the awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point as Mercury slows down... The retrograde peroid lasts for about three weeks or so, until October 15, just after the Full Moon in Aries, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. At this time he halts and begins his return to direct motion through the zodiac.

Don't get too excited tho, you will still feel "out of sorts" until everything finally straightens out on October 31, as he passes the point where he first turned retrograde. Mercury turns retrograde three times a year, as a rule, but the effects of each period differ, according to the sign in which it happens.

Alot of people ask me "What does Retrograde mean?" Very basically A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. Modern science says "this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play."

Retrograde periods, although often problematic for us earthlings, are not particularly uncommon. Each planet retrogrades, except the Sun and Moon. Although a powerful astrological influence, Mercury is a small planet that travels at a relatively fast speed through the zodiac. Despite being the closest planet in our solar system to the Sun, it is not always in the same sign as the Sun (for example, although this time Mercury turns retrograde in Libra, the same sign as the Sun, last year Mercury turned in Scorpio while the Sun was in Libra, but headed back into Libra just as the Sun strode into Scorpio).

Fated Events
As a rule, retrograde planets presage a period of seemingly inevitable or fated events that relate to their sphere of influence. They present us with a series of events over which we seem to have little or no control, relating especially to the sign in which the retrogradation occurs. For example, Mercury retrograde in Scorpio (intensity; sexuality) presents quite different sets of circumstances from those generated when it retrogrades into Libra (relationships; harmony; æsthetics).

A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

These stationary periods occur near the beginning of the cycle (when the planet first halts as it prepares to move backwards) and midway through the cycle when the retrograde planet slows to a stop before moving forward again. The "direct station" (when the planet halts before moving forward again) is the most powerful and can be used for maximum benefit.
Many astrologers consider that the "Mercury Shadow" begins some three weeks before the actual retro station (when Mercury passes the point of direct station for the first time). This has some justification, but I am more inclined to think that the really noticeable peculiarities begin when Mercury slows significantly, a few days before the retro station. This period of "Mercury Shadow" extends to the Return date, some three weeks after the direct station. Bear this in mind, because experience shows that the effects of the retro period are still marked during the "shadow" phase. Some of the most characteristic annoyances often occur just after Mercury makes the direct station, while he is crawling forward before picking up speed.

What does Mercury affect?
In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!

The Key Issue
The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate.

Mercury retrograde, like any cosmic aspect, affects people differently, depending on where it hits their personal charts. Some people actually prosper under a retro Mercury, especially if Mercury is retrograde but otherwise well-aspected in their birth charts. It is also a time when matters begun under a previous retro period will come to fruition, or completion as the case may be. Firm decisions that have been previously made when Mercury is travelling normally through the zodiac may be implemented or finalised while Mercury is retrograde without too much worry, for experience shows that this can be done without undue problems arising.

Mercury Retrograde in Libra
When Mercury is retrograde, everyone's thinking is more introspective and we tend to think about issues and concerns which relate to the sign involved. With Mercury retrograde in Libra, people with this sign prominent in their charts will be especially prone to such introspection. Libra is a Cardinal Sign, so the other Cardinal Signs, Aries, Cancer and Capricorn will also receive a touch of the lash! Venus, the planetary ruler of pleasure-loving Libra, enters sexy, mysterious Scorpio at the same time (Sep. 24) and remains there until leaving Scorpio to enter Sagittarius on Oct. 18. This stimulates jealousy and intense, passionate emotions, combined with a love of sensation, luxury and pleasures. Excesses of sex and passion, especially among the young, will prove more than usually chaotic over this phase. Religious feeling tends to be intense. Misdirected communications can create jealous marital relations, impulsive behaviour and the need to control relationships.

Mercury retro in Libra can disturb the mental balance, making us more than usually indecisive. Virtue and morality will be under pressure from both sides, combining jealousy and possessiveness with the agonies of doubt and indecision! Sharing ideas, especially those connected with moneymaking and other tangible rewards will present a higher risk. Attempts to maintain objectivity and an unbiased approach are likely to be thwarted and coloured by emotion. Trouble through lawsuits affecting partnerships or an unfaithful marriage partner will afflict those who may be in the relevant situations.

Gossip about celebrities, the arts and salacious topics in general will be rife. Rumours regarding partners, spouses and collaborators in business and joint ventures should be discounted, or at least taken with a dose of salt, especially if sex or money are involved, as the atmosphere will be thick with misinformation and innuendo, particularly leading up to the Full Moon on the 14th of October.

All areas of communication are affected, especially in matters related to the law, partnerships, marriage or the arts. This period brings travel snafus and missed appointments of all kinds. Documents can go astray. Be sure to carry a day planner and refer to it often, hopefully you don't lose the entire day planner! lol

SO! How's everyone feeling?

Embrace the Journey (Even in Retrograde!)
Bret =)

I choose Love rather than Fear, and it makes all the difference.

2008-09-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

I think we are very fortunate to be living in an area of the world that is free of war and rampid disease, yet full of freedom; free speech, free religion, and free health care. For the most part, we are free; to make our own choices and decisions in this lifetime. I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I had picked a different blueprint for this life. I could have chosen to be another gender with a different family in another part of the world, but I didn't, I chose this one, I chose to be the man who I am today. Who am I tho, really?

My yoga training involved alot of deep self reflection. I was constantly asked by my Swami this: "Who are you... Really? Who are you, do you ever think about that?" Until then I hadn't thought about it. I just was, well, me. What kind of thought process do you need to entertain a question like that? For weeks I struggled with this and she'd ask me again; "Who are you? When everything else falls away, who are you, and do you truly enjoy the company you keep in the empty moments?" I'd sit in silence during meals, which was our practice, and think about her questions. I would self reflect in my journal for hours upon hours each night. I struggled to find any answer, or at least an answer that I was content with. These are still questions that I ask myself today, years later. Over the past few months, I have been finding myself sitting in those empty moments, I struggle with the company I keep. When everything else fell away, I didn't enjoy the company I kept.

It was a few weeks back when I realized that I had a tool that I had not been utilizing. I realized that I had the power to choose. I could choose for myself to harbour anger for others, or choose forgiveness and to open my heart and release this anger. I could choose to let opportunities and life pass me by or choose to stick my neck out there and risk it, for the adventure of being alive. I could choose to be alone, with a heart grown cold from the bitter betrails of past relationships, or I could choose to open my heart and risk having it broken and love unconditionally as if I'd never been hurt at all. I had choices.

I felt powerful. I felt connected. I felt alive.

About 3 weeks have passed since I re-realized I had the Power of Choice. I have been using this power like Harry Potters magick wand, zapping in new choices and decisions for myself. Some come easy, and some take time. Although I don't feel as if I have everything on my "to decide" list checked off, I am well on my way to personal freedom.

Freedom is in every ones grasp. I have decided I will never stay in a unfulfilled relationship for the sake of being coupled, I will never live in a home that doesn't feel sacred to me, I will never let anyone disrespect my personal temple and I will never lose my power to choose!

I know there are some of us out there that feel they have lost the power to choose, feeling as if they are stuck in a job that doesn't bring pleasure, or a relationship that doesn't feed the soul. I hope we all remember that we are powerful, we can choose to continue these patterns in our life, or make the necessary changes to start fresh. I am going to leave everyone with an affirmation that I have been using for weeks that has helped me out alot...

"What I am today is the result of all that I have done. What I become is my choice, for only I am the creator of my destiny. I am not locked into life as I see it now, I have the ability to make choices and create different paths for my life. This makes me powerful. This makes me wise. I chose personal freedom."

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

Sacred Sunday

2008-09-14T23:38:00.008-04:00

I've thought alot today about what this particular Sacred Sunday means to me... Sundays growing up were usually a time of resting after a weeks work, spending time with family and getting together over a Pot Roast. It's that one day of the week where a busy schedule doesn't matter, and everyone makes the time to get together to sit around the kitchen table and chat or play rumoli.

It would have been my moms 59th birthday today if she would have been here with us on this Sacred Sunday. Still, we had dinner, sat around and chatted over thick slices of chocolate cheesecake and sipped endless pots of coffee.

My family bond is whats Sacred to me this Sunday. I still marvel at how we pulled together nearly 2 years ago when we brought our mom home from the hospital. The strength and character of families, parents and children who take care of their loved ones during times of illness inspires me. It's fascinating to see this bond growing in our newest addition to the family. I watch every day as my 10 month old niece bonds with my eldest sister. It's amazing to see the connection develop between mother and child, I believe it to be one of the strongest bonds in the universe, unbreakable even by death.

I watched as a 16 year old young man, my grandfather wheeled himself from a different part of the hospital to the intensive care unit where my grandmother was hooked to a life support unit after having a heart attack. Every morning in spite of cancer, pain and weakened joints he would lift himself into a wheelchair and somehow find his way to my grandmother so they could have breakfast together, as they did every morning for the past 50 years. I realized then, that's what I wanted for myself, that bond, inspired by my grandparents.

I believe its our bond for one another, our love that makes this life worth living. What would we have if these bonds weren't present? I can't imagine being a bird who flies away as soon as my feathers grew in, or a fish who hatches and swims away when his fins are strong enough.

My sister made an offer to me tonight, she flips houses, usually I do all the electrical work for her. She has a project house now, on Lake Erie, in Port Colborne. She's offered me free rent in a finished suite of the house for as long as I like. It would be very convenient as in the coming days I would be spending alot of time there anyways.... Decisions, as you may have already noticed, stress me out - to say the least. I think its the amount of options I am usually presented with. It's like when you go into a new restaurant, and everything on the menu looks delicious. I often feel overwhelmed at the selection, maybe that's normal, I'm not 100% sure.

With the newly introduced Bach Flower Remedies into my life style change I haven't felt as stressed as I normally would. Usually it takes me longer to realize that I should trust the universe and her plans for me. I know that I will be fine, and the universe will provide for me, as it always has. I know there is a lesson here, and I will come to learn, understand and integrate it into my being. In the up and coming days and weeks, I'm sure my direction will become more clear, I trust that it will.

So on this Sunday, I am very happy to have that Sacred Bond with my family, especially my sisters, without their love, support and strength I wouldn't be here.

Happy Birthday Mom,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret =)

Decisions Decisions Decisions

2008-09-12T21:45:00.005-04:00

So I find myself in the same shoes as I did nearly 4 months ago when my apartment caught fire and forced me to move back to my childhood home... I remember that week as if it had just passed. Sitting comfortable in my living room on a Thursday evening having tea with my friend Amie chatting about the days events. I spoke with her about my struggles, if I should give up my apartment and move back in with my dad to help him out, and keep better care of the family business since my moms passing. We weighed the pro's and con's and it still didn't help me come to any decision. Now anyone who knows me well enough understands that I do not make decisions, not even easy ones, and if we have plans together, you had better make them, or else we'd just end up bantering back and fourth saying "I don't know, what do you want to do."

A couple of hours later Amie had left and I was sitting alone, well semi alone, Friskey was around, but not very talkative. I opened my book, looking for guidance, advice, herbs, rituals or an incantation that would help me make a decision. I found one, a Spell to make decisions. I gathered herbs, placed my crystals, lit candles and carried on with my spell. Upon completion I was hoping for a vision, a dream, a message, some sort of instant result that I had been used too, but nothing came.

I didn't want to give up my apartment, I really loved it, but I didn't want to let my dad fend for himself, and plus, I would basically be at the house getting the business back in order all day, everyday (none of the books were done after my mom took ill in 2006 - so I had 2 years to catch up on.)

It would be days until my spell finally delivered a decision for me, in the form of an apartment fire. I should have seen it coming too, the universe certainly delivered a number of messages to me that went unnoticed or ignored. The days leading up to the fire Amie and I had discussed my options for Apartment Insurance in case Goddess forbid my house should catch ablaze! I was even downloading the movie "Things we lost in the fire", my sister had recommended it to me. The day after my apartment had burnt down, I plugged my laptop in to check to see if it was still running, and after I had logged into Windows a little pop up message was there saying "Things we lost in the fire is Complete", the movie had finished downloading! I just shook ed my head and laughed. What do you do, other than laugh I mean...

SO, bringing to me to the present... My apartment is ready, or rather will be ready on October 1st, give or take a few weeks. I was presented with the option from my Landlords to either move back in, or not, that it was up to me. I said yes, I will be returning. I am left wondering if I have made the right decisions. Amie asked me tonight if I had "weighed the pro's and con's". What is with this woman and weighing my options! Usually I just jump into something with out looking first! lol I have, I think I have at least. I am jobless as it stands right now, but I could easily find a job, or so I think, I just have to get my resume out there..... If I had a job, I wouldn't second guess it, but then again I would, because I don't know if I would be getting a job in St Catharine's or Niagara Falls, or 40 Min's away in Fort Erie... Fort Erie would be nice, because its close to my family, but I don't want an 80 min commute every day... Chances are I will be working close to the Falls, or St. Catharine's... I just can't seem to make a decision on what should I do, and I don't think I will be casting the Decision spell this time... hahaha

Here are my options:

Move in to my old place in the Fall and hope I find a job.

Keep living at my dads, find a job, then find a NEW place in that city

Move to BC, live in the mountains with monks, do yoga and e-mail everyone once a year

Any ideas??

Winning the Blogging Lottery!

2008-09-11T14:23:00.004-04:00

I truly feel as if I won the Blogging Lottery! A big thanks and hug goes out to Bohemian Mom for awarding me the "I love your Blog" award! It is such an honour, especially since she has been my inspiration for blogging! =)

I had to take a few days break from blogging, and reading others, and commenting as my computer has encountered a rather nasty virus! I think I have it cleared out now, I am crossing my fingers! It kept poping up with an "Antivirus2008" message, it looks almost exaclty to the built in program in Windows Vista, so its very confusing!! I hope everyone out there has a good Virus Scanner, I think its going around the Web like a nasty cold! (My friend Julie had the same thing).

So hopefully by the end of the evening I will have gotten caught up with everyones blog, I am excited to see what everyone has been up too! :)

Embrace the journey,
Bret =)

**Update** September 18/08

I also have won this award from SolticeDreamer! So thank you very much! I was very honoured to be included in a list of amazing bloggers with inspiring blogs! I have to admit, I am very touched to receive awards like this, and to know that people out there enjoy my blog and come back to read posts! :)

Thanks again =)
Bret

...organic beats, bach flowers, and peace

2008-09-07T02:05:00.022-04:00

First, I would to thank everyone for their kind comments over my last few posts. I saw my homeopathic specialist Friday morning for what I figured would be a quick "wham bang" take these, do this and relax. It wasn't.

After 4 hours of tea, chatting, and laughter she mixed me a bottle of Bach Flower Remedies. She diligently figured out the best 6 (of 38) flower essences which would work for me, and bring about an emotional shift. My bottle contained the essences of Agrimony, Cherry Plum, Holly, Star of Bethlehem, Walnut, and Willow. You can read more about the essences and their properties here at Dr. Bach's Website. I felt a shift very soon after taking them. I feel more calm, more at peace, almost like I've done an hour of yoga and meditation. I feel great actually! :) It's been a long time since I felt refreshed, renewed and on the right track. Its acutally the first time in a long time that I haven't wanted to murder my father! lol

Also she recommended Caprylic Acid, to fight the yeast in my body, and also Probiotics to replenish the good bacteria in my intestinal track. I picked them up at the local health food store, along with some organic groceries. I am starting to "Juice" in the mornings - as per her recommendations. A combination of Beats, Cucumbers, Red Pepper and Celery. It's actually delicious! I felt like I had more energy throughout the day. It's hard for me to eat veggies, so this was a perfect solution. With the left over pulp from the juice I made bran/fiber muffins, it just seemed like a waste to throw out the pulp!

So I am feeling much better! The feelings of depression and hopelessness aren't as strong as they were a mere 3 days ago. I also owe a big thanks to Sacred Suzie and iGoddess. Both are very amazing women, strong and inspiring. Suzie helped me to figure out that I had some very deep rooted emotional issues, mostly involving hate. I never realized how much hate my heart carried around until Suzie told me to take a step back, close my eyes and listen quietly. Dee helped me look at parts of my life, where this hate came from, and helped me to understand that the hate in my heart was taking up too much space, and with all the hate in there, it left very little room for love to enter. She told me to look at what my body is consuming, organics vs processed food, and what I intake is directly related to my feelings.

I realized that I couldn't hang on to this hate anymore, that I had to let it go. It was putting pressure on my heart, I was letting others actions from the past negatively impact my present and future, and for what reason? It's not as if I could change the past, or undo what had been done. I had to realize that everyone is human, and makes mistakes, but those mistakes are not my burden to carry around, so I just let them go. They weren't my problems, I let them go, and let the universe take care of them.

I am going to leave you with one of my altime favourite songs, just released by Miss Alanis Morisette. You can check out the YouTube Link HERE. Its called "Incomplete" and you might have heard it on the radio all ready, if not, have a look at the lyrics, very much an inspiring affirmation for life.

One day I'll find relief

I'll be arrived

And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace

I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat

And I'll know God And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day

One day I'll be secure

Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding Ever expanding

Ever adventurous And torturous

But never done

One day I will speak freely

I'll be less afraid

And be measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day I will be faith-filled

I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

Until next time,

Embrace the Journey,

Bret =)

...lost

2008-09-02T21:54:00.008-04:00

I'm just in one of those moods tonight. I am feeling lonely, unloved, and lost. I even went as far to check to see if Mercury was in Retrograde, but its not until Sept 24th. I've realized recently that I do not want to go back to my old apartment. First of all, repairs are taking way too long, and I do believe I was "ejected" out of there for a reason, and shouldn't be going back. I just don't think its part of my journey to return. I have to admit my sisters were right. I am in the process of looking for a stable, well paying job, which would dictate where I should be living anyways. Ideally I would like a job closer to the Fort Erie area, its a great community, and only minuets from my Family. I would love to have a lofty type apartment on Ridge Road, the main road in Ridgeway. Its an up and coming area, with its quaint shops, and home style restaurants; it feels young, fresh, trendy and full of history.

I need to update my resume with my latest work information and start getting it out there. I am truly discouraged by the interview process. Quite frankly it scares the hell out of me! There is nothing like being sat down, and judged on the things you speak. Its almost like public speaking, I do not envy the kids returning to school, I still have nightmares about doing speeches in front of my classmates.

Speaking of dreams and nightmares, I haven't been able to recall any of them recently. I think its been a month since I can last remember a dream, which is very unusual for me. I feel very unbalanced and off centre lately. I think its a combination of being out of my space, seeing my belongings in bins and boxes, not being able to continue with my yoga and meditation practices. I need a new home, fast!

For years I have heard about "Bach Flower Remedies". Basically they are a selection of 38 flower essences (such as Crab Apple, Vine, and Willow) that work to correct emotional imbalances. For example...

Star of Bethlehem
"For those in great distress under conditions which for a time produce great unhappiness. The shock of serious news, the loss of someone dear, the fright following an accident, and such like. For those who for a time refuse to be consoled, this remedy brings comfort." - Dr. Edward Bach

I have a friend of mine that works with the remedies, and I am hoping to meet with her Friday morning for a consultation, you can add up to 7 of the flower essences into a treatment bottle. I think I need all 38! hahaha You can check out all 38 essences HERE.

It's truly days like this that I thank the Stars that I have an emergency Cheese Cake in the freezer! I've actually reduced myself to tears this evening. If it wasn't anatomically impossible I'd think I was about to start my period! hahaha Yes, we guys get PMS too... lol Maybe that explains the bloating!

Anywho, I am going to Post this and pick up a paint brush and see what I am inspired to create.

Until next time, embrace the Journey.

Bret =)

Home Sweet Home

2008-08-29T21:22:00.003-04:00

I am back home from an amazing journey which I am sad to have to leave, but glad to be back in amongst my things and family.

I am looking forward to catching up on everyones blog! Until then, keep safe! ;)

Bret =)

...Gone Fishing (so to speak)

2008-08-23T21:56:00.002-04:00

I am on Vacation!

Yup, just like the sign says... Gone Fishing! Well, no, no fish will be harmed in the posting of this blog! I will be gone from Sunday August 24th, to the 29th. So no Posts until I return, unless somehow, somewhere I can grab an Internet Signal Wirelessly somewhere!

Can't wait until I get back online to read all the blog updates from everyone, and respond to a few e-mails I have in my inbox too ;)

Until then, Have a GREAT week everyone!!

Embracy the Journey,

Bret =)

Sacred Life Sunday

2008-08-17T18:46:00.004-04:00

Today is Sunday, and time for my Sacred Life post. This is actually my first post for the Sacred Life Series which was started in Zena Musings blog. Being my first post, I was trying to think of all the things in my life which are sacred. I had a basic understanding of what it meant to be "sacred" but I still wasn't 100% clear, so I started by doing a little research. Here is what I've learned.

Sacred. It is a very interesting concept. What do I hold as sacred? In some countries cows are sacred. In other countries water is sacred. Some peoples even hold the song of the land to be sacred. Sacred implies a value beyond measure. The dictionary says that a sacred thing is consecrated, devoted, set apart or dedicated to religious use, entitled to veneration or worship, something that is not to be violated or breached. It becomes more interesting if we compare this to the word sacrosanct, which describes something that is inviolable, protected by sacred or quasi-sacred rules, is something so valuable that it is, in effect, untouchable.

What is it that can produce this sense of value? Nothing concrete. Concrete things have concrete value. The most valuable of things are those things that are abstract, those things upon which a price cannot be realistically placed in an objective fashion (although the current consumer economy has led some people to try). Abstract things have a value that is equal to that which people are willing to pay for it. Van Gogh's paintings do not sell for six figure sums because that is the value of the materials, they sell for six figure sums because that is the money with which people have to part in order to ensure possession.

So what is the abstract thing upon which we can place no sum? What is there that we cannot buy? For that thing that is so valuable we term it sacred there is no sum, no concrete price that we can pay. These things are abstract qualities that cannot be manufactured, nor bought, nor produced by genetic modification. These are things that touch something within people in a way that is profound.

Sacred does not necessarily mean inviolate. Remember that there is a difference between sacred and sacrosanct. This, I think, is the major difference between non-experiential religions and the various forms of paganism.

What is sacred? Sacred is a connection with the universe. It is love, it is friends, it is family. It is all those things that cannot be bought - it is life itself. It is our expression of life, it is the price that cannot be paid by anything other than surrender of the spirit to the experience. If that price cannot or will not be paid, then a thing is not sacred, for sacred is, above all, a personal thing. It is experiential. One cannot hold a thing to be sacred unless one is at least drawn to make that surrender of the spirit.

My paintings are sacred to me. They have no price, they are an expression of my soul, they ground, centre and balance me, and get my creative juices flowing. Usually I paint for myself, I end up storing them in the basement afterwards, or stick them in the closet, sometimes I even throw them out. It's not because I think they are horrid looking (I never said I painted well - just that I painted haha), or because they don't have value for me, its just that the pigment on the brush, and the brush in my hands was more of a healing experience. I wish I could have an original idea and paint something fresh, and new, and gift it to someone who would in turn find it inspiring. Most of my idea's come from my photography. I paint alot of what I photograph, flowers, scenes, people. It doesn't feel original to me tho, even tho its my photograph it feels as if I am copying someone else's work. Sometimes I think I have an fresh idea, paint it, and then realize that I had saw something similar online, and I didn't create it, I just remembered it! hahaha I don't want to offend anyone with my idea stealing, copyright infringing eyes! LOL What I would really like to do is create a wonderful affirmation, created specifically for a friend and paint.

Enjoy and Embrace the Journey,
Bret

Baby Quilts

2008-08-15T15:54:00.011-04:00

Thanks to a jolt of inspiration from my friend Amie, I decided to dust off my sewing machine (and sewing skills) and make a couple of baby blankets for my Niece.

Our journey started at Fabricland in Niagara Falls, where we purchased yards of fabric, batting, thread and ribbon. I'm not a seamstress, I haven't created too many things in the past, mainly just did hems, drapes, things that aren't overly creative, so this was a jump for me, especially since I haven't sewen in years.

This is what I started out with...

The Strawberry Shortcake blanket, was my first attempt, and never making a blanket before, I had to buy a silk blanket binding cover to hid my stitching! My second blanket tho, I had an idea, and a plan. I figured it would be easier to wrap my cover blanket under to meet up with the striped fabric and do a cool stitch there to blend the two fabrics, which worked SO much better!! I'm acutally thinking about cutting it apart, and redoing the stitching and binding so it looks more like the stripes blanket. Personally I hate the use of the silk binding!

Here are the end results...

I have a feeling that my sister will most likely be using the blue/green stripes more. She secretly hates pink hahaha. Well maybe not secretly... I think all baby girls should have a pink blanket, it saves us from those awkward moments when shes wearing her froggy sweater and people say, oh "he's" so cute! hahaha

Anywho, I am off to babysit now!

Later ;) Bret

... one year

2008-08-11T22:03:00.002-04:00

It's been 4 seasons, 12 months, 365 days since I lost my mom to Cancer... One year... I don't understand where the time has gone. It seems as if I was sitting at this very kitchen table just yesterday when she passed. I feel the same; the pressure on my chest, the empty feeling in my stomach, it hasn't changed in a year. Life however certainly has. I've quickly realized that my mom was the "glue" in our family. She was the matriarch, the protector, the encourager and the life force that kept this house a home. It feels very much just a house now, the feeling of home left when she did, it's now just a place to rest a tired body, and feed a hungry mouth.

Last week my sisters and I cleaned out her bedroom. It was an emotional experience. We emptied shelves of medical supplies, cleaned up linens and dusted. The three of us stood in front of her closet door, feeling almost haunted by her possessions. We reached for the handle to the door, and all decided that we just couldn't do it. I don't know if we'll ever be able to clean out her closet.

We finished dinner. We cooked some of her favourite foods, pork chops in a mushroom sauce on a bed of rice, cheesy macaroni, Cesar salad and bread pudding. We didn't discuss anything during, just enjoyed the food. We were going to have a bonfire tonight, out at my moms old fire pit, then head back to my sisters to watch the meteor shower from the pool over top of the lake, but it seems that the weather has a different set of plans for us.

I feel as if I'm dreaming. Things feel 'surreal' today. Am I really here? Is this really the turn of events of life for the past year? I have a hard time really accepting and understanding that my mom is gone, some days I even pick up the phone and start to call her. Some days I sit at the kitchen table and watch TV, keeping an ear open, listening to her quietly call my name in distress. No one answers the phone tho, and she doesn't call out to me any longer. Reality is cruel. I am told this is normal, natural, and a part of the progression of life. I should start to accept it. I have no other choice...

I keep plugging on, day after day, doing things to emotionally get me by. I keep my hands busy. Blogging, crocheting, weeding, cleaning and cooking. It helps to take my mind off things for a while. I know she is still here and with us, even if its hard to feel her presence some days.

I try to be strong and not to cry for her anymore, I know it must make her feel terribly sad and guilty that she had to leave us. I don't stand at her grave and weep, I know she isn't there. I know that she is everywhere I go. I'll see her on one of the shooting stars tonight during the meteor shower. I'll feel her spirit in the warm fall winds as they grace my skin as I'm working in her gardens. I'll see her smile whenever the baby Ksenia's face lights up with laughter when we walk in the room. When I'm in trouble I'll close my eyes and listen for her small voice. I have so many questions to ask her, so many areas of my life that I need her guidance for.

So again, as I sit here with my glass of wine, I will raise it to my mom and yours, weather they are near or far, with you or passed on, don't wait to tell them how much you love them. That motto applies for everyone, friends, family and partners. Tell them how you feel today, you may not have a tomorrow...

I miss you mom, I know you were called away on another journey, but one day our paths will meet again. Until then, I will continue to do my best to make you proud and carry on your traditions and memories. I love you mom, always.

Love Bret

Garage Sale Success!

2008-08-10T15:41:00.008-04:00

Saturday morning, bright and early at 7am, with newspaper in hand, my younger sister Leslie and I set out for a morning of Garage Sales. We usually look in the Fort Erie, Crystal Beach, Ridgeway area, they seem to have alot there. Some weeks we travel up to Burlington to tag along with my Aunt Jean, she is the master, and we have learned much from her especially in the area of price negotiation! lol

We stopped at a few sales, and didn't find anything. To be honest, they were kinda junky, the last thing I need is a flowered sweater (despite what I wrote in my last post). On about our 4th stop we hit a jackpot of baby clothes and toys. Lately our Garage Sale focus has shifted from purchasing for ourselves, to spoiling our little Niece Ksenia. We got a bunch of cute outfits, everything from Gap Kids, Disney, Carters and such... We got about 12 outfits for 5$. Pretty good deal especially since the Carters Dress and bloomers would have cost 35$ in the store! I also found her a big stuffed Tigger, bigger than her! She is in love with Tigger. She even has the Tigger Jumper (because Tiggers like Jumping BEST!). We also got her a Leap Frog Pretend and Learn Shopping Cart. Now she can use it to help her learn to walk, but eventually she and pretend shop, and even scan items. It helps her learn how to count! ;)

Now, it wasn't all just about the baby, I did find a couple things for myself. What I was really excited about was all the metaphysical books I found. Its very rare to find a collection like this at a garage sale, and I dug threw boxes for 20 mins (which is not something I usually do). Here is a quick list of the books I got, feel free to borrow a copy!!

Inner Simplicity (St. James)

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Relationships (Ferrini)

The Secret Garden (Burnett)

Crystal, Hem and Metal Magic (Cuningham)

Feng Shui Cards and Book (Craze)

Meditations for Awakening (Moen)

The Inner Lover (Harms)

Dream Dictionary (Robinson and Gorbett)

Awakening Intuition (Schulz)

Chicken Soup for the Singles Soul (Various)

Why Me, Why This, Why Now (Norwood)

Yoga for Today (Pattinson)

Feng Shui for Life (Sandifer)

Quest (Linn)

Psychic Development for Beginners (Hewitt)

Zen Action, Zen Person (Kasulis)

The End of the Days (Bloomfield)

AND incase you are wondering, I got each book for 25 cents!

So, quite a lot of interesting books. Will keep me busy on these RAINY days, which I am getting very sick of... I hate being indoors some days, but its always good to curl up and relax.

Any who, I am going to go, have a shower and get ready for Amie too call, we are going to sit down tonight and do a little sewing! Check out her blog, and her latest creations!!

Embrace the Journey ;)

Bret

...slowly turning into my Grandmother

2008-08-06T21:43:00.005-04:00

So.... I realized today that I have finally turned into my Grandmother....

It's not as if it's come as real shocker, after all, the woman did practically co-raise me! It finally hit when driving back from dinner with my friend Amie and her family. I was sitting in the middle of the van, scratching my chest (okay my right boob). It was itchy, and for some reason felt like a different texture than the rest of my shirt... I reached into my shirt, threw my collar, and pulled out a Bounce Fresh Anti Static Dryer Sheet. I turned to Amie and said "what the hell is this, oh my god, I am officially my grandmother", to which we both started to laugh hysterically!

We both knew it was coming, the day when I finally admit that yes, I am a 82 year old woman, who refuses to wear a bra.

My Grandmother would pull all sorts of things out of her shirt (and yes bra). Kleenex, hand wipes, cash, dryer sheets, and my all time favourite: a pair of nylon stalkings, because you never know when you need to go from casual to formal.

I had always been close to my grandmother, right up until she passed away a year ago. We lost her to Alzheimer's disease, which ties with cancer for the saddest disease. Slowly she started to forget things, where she had left her purse, phone numbers, names and dates. I would go over and cook for her, but one afternoon she had beat me too it. She was making herself hot dogs. The only problem was, she was boiling them, in the tea kettle, in the microwave. I knew then for her own safety it was time to look into a centre where they could better care for her. I always used to look down at families who put their loved ones into "homes", but after getting her settled in, and meeting many of her old girlfriends from the neighbourhood I realized it would be the best place for her. She made friends, tended the garden, and had movie nights. Eventually she began to forget more and more, people, family, friends, and one day she forgot me too. From then on I was the kind young fellow who would come to help feed her, and take her for ice cream.

When I was about 12 she taught me how to crochet. She would made the most amazing afghans and blankets for us. For a long time the knowledge sat dormant in my mind, until my niece was born and I realized she'd be the only one who didn't get a blanket. Unfortunately, I had lost my Grams by then, and now had to remember the complex patterns and stitches by myself. I started my journey at Wallmart, bought some new crochet hooks, and pretty pink yarn. I returned home and worked for hours making chains, attempting granny squares, trying to stitch rows of yarn with no luck. I put the hooks and wool down and went to bed, frustrated and upset.

I awoke in the morning after having the most amazing dream about my mom. She came and told me to go back home, and to look in the drawer beside the refrigerator, and I would find some help there... So I went back to my parents, looked in the drawer, and found one of my grandmothers old crochet hooks that my mom had borrowed years before. I picked up the hook and felt as if i pulled the sword from the stone. That night when I went back to my home, I sat down with my new old hook, my yarn and begun to crochet again. It was hard to understand at first what happened, but it was as if that hook had the memory of a million crochet stitches, and now they were surging threw my veins. I finished the baby's first blanket in a matter of a few days, and several after that. I feel now that the memory of my grams will live on now. The blankets were so important to us growing up, I am thankful I could pass that on to the next generation.

Many of my traditions originate from my grandmother. Tea before bed, family Christmas', shopping for hours, rose gardens and a fierce right hook. I miss the days when I could curl up in her lap in front of the television and watch old Shirley Temple movies. It makes me sad that my Niece wont experience all the love that only a Grandmother could offer. I hope that my sister and I are good substitutes and we can fill that void that my mom left.

Anywho, I am off to bed now.

Embrace the Journey,

Bret

weekends, updates and life

2008-08-04T23:50:00.008-04:00

So life has been slowly returning to normal. I ordered a new LCD screen from e-bay for my laptop, paid $188 for it (which included overnight delivery from Texas), alot cheaper than the almost $600 that Futureshop quoted me!

Thanks to some amazing advice from my friends in the Magickal community (big thanks to Sacred Suzie for the feverfew tip) I've been accident clean and sober now for a week. I feel like I've been trying to kick some addiction or something. Like I'm addicted to chaos in my personal life, and need to destroy my things to get a high! (Destroy, not on purpose, something in my subconscious...)

As for my apartment, it's slowly being repaired. I checked in on it last week, and they were laying the new wood flooring. There is still ALOT of work that needs to be done, and I don't expect to return until September 1st. I'm wondering if I will be returning there, or if another opportunity will show its self to me.

I realized this weekend that Summer is nearly over, and is it just me, or is it starting to get darker sooner? My long weekend was amazing tho. I spent most of the weekend with my Sisters. We had a big rib fest at my younger sisters on Sunday night (not that I eat red meat...) we had a huge bonfire too. My brother in law is a landscaper, and just finished an amazing outdoor fire place created entirely of stone. Huge stone walls to sit on, flagstone floors, built into the side of a hill. It was beautiful, we call it "Fredhenge" LOL We also spend alot of time at my other sisters, just down the road at her new home on the lake, complete with 3 bedroom guest house, in ground pool, sandy beach and warm lake waters! We jacked the pool heater up, and tonight the water reached 92 degrees. It was amazing to float in the soft light, warm waters and watch the shooting stars fall from the sky. I was sitting on the edge of the pool earlier today, just kicking and splashing my feet in the water with my 9 month old Niece Ksenia, when I noticed a dramatic heat change on my leg... Yup, she pee'd on me, THEN she laughed at me! That quickly prompted another swim! ;) It was a very rejuvenating weekend!

I am looking forward to life returning to normal. Especially my emotional life. I have felt so insecure, and incomplete lately. I think its been because I'm "single". Not that I need a man to complete my life, but it just makes the honey a little bit sweeter! ;) I have no problem watching a movie on my own, but its nice to curl up on the couch with your guy and snuggle during a horror flick. There is someone out there that I care for alot, someone I have feelings for, but there is a little distance keeping us apart. Distance makes me insecure, actually to admit, I've been sad lately.. August is a bad time for the family...

For the past month that I've been living with my dad I haven't done any yoga or meditation at all. This just isn't the space in which to focus, balance and restore my soul. I feel almost "unglued". I do recognize that things need to shift, and I need to create my sacred space here so I can meditate and sort out all these thoughts in my head. I might do a bit of meditation on the beach tomorrow, hopefully the waves take me away! I need to start taking control of my life in the space its in. Using the elements and my talents to work for me, rather than against me.

So I plan on waking up in the morning, refreshed, recharged and ready to tackle my little world ;) On that note, I am off to bed, I am starting to nod off at the computer!

Embrace the Journey...
Bret

I am an endless journey...

2008-07-28T11:06:00.005-04:00

I have a little book, called "Inner Wisdom, Meditations for the Heart and Soul - by Louise L. Hay". I love this book, and had to dig threw 8 boxes to find it (it was cleaned and packed after the fire)... Whenever I (or a friend) is going threw a rough time in their life, I sit with the book, think about the issues and open to a random page and read the affirmations on that page and meditate with those affirmations threw out the day. The book as always been accurate as to what I am going threw, and even tho I think its out of print, everyone should have one!!!

So this is the page that I opened up too just now this morning, after thinking and stressing about my apartment fire, and broken laptop (among various other things).

The book reads:

In the infinity of life, all is perfect, whole, and complete. The cycle of life
is also perfect, whole, and complete. There is a time of beginning, a time
of growth, a time of being, a time of withering or wearing out, and a time
of leaving. This is all part of the perfection of life. I sense it as normal
and natural, and though saddened at times, I accept the cycle and rhythms.
Sometimes there is an abrupt ending in mid-cycle. I am jarred and feel
threatened. Someone dies too soon, or something was smashed and broken.
However, I know that life is ever-changing. There is no beginning and no
end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experience. Life
is never stuck or static or stale, for each moment is ever-new and fresh.
Every ending is a new point of beginning.

I think it does fit very well to whats going on. Life IS ever changing, no beginning, no end, just the cycle of life. Its normal and natural.

Gotta run, get my day started! ;)

Embrace the Journey

Bret =)

HELP!!

2008-07-27T19:44:00.003-04:00

So... I think I am Karmicly Screwed! I'm not too sure what I've done to be receiving all the back luck that has been sent my way, but something is up!

So as many of you already know, this past year has been hell for me. Just last month my apartment caught on fire, recently the transmission on my car is shot, and now this morning I smashed my laptop screen...

I can't even explain how I broke the screen, its an odd little story, but if you have a few minuets, here you go. The past month that I have been living with my dad, I have been staying in my mom's old room, mainly because its comforting to me, and there is an amazing king sized bed. I always bring my laptop to bed, to read blogs, sort threw pictures and catch up on some TV shows that I had missed over the week. Sometimes I fall asleep with the laptop on my lap, only to wake up in the same position, set the laptop down next to me and go back to sleep.

Last night I fell asleep with my laptop on my lap, and woke up around 9am, thanks to the "call of nature". I noticed that my laptop was all the way across the room (a big room) on the floor, on the opposite side of the bed, on the opposite side of the room, which is about 20 feet away... Now, the odd thing is that the laptop was sitting like a triangle.... Imagine the laptop as a book, with the spine pointing straight up in the air towards the ceiling, and the screen and keyboard on either side... Like a triangle...

I guess the "obvious" answer is, I fell asleep, rolled over, and the laptop bounced and rolled off the bed, onto the floor 20 feet away...

I guess how it happened isn't really paramount, but I am wondering WHY things like this keeps happening? I don't understand it, am I doing something wrong? Is this some form of bad karma coming to me? I just can't figure it out! What is with the destruction of my personal property?

I have surmised that either:

1. I'm cursed

2. Karma is paying me back (for what I don't know)

3. I'm just clumsy

4. I need to be more careful with my things

5. Something out there doesn't like me very much...

I'm not a paranoid person, lol, so I don't think some evil spirit, or being has it "out" for me, but I guess I shouldn't rule out the possibility... I would also like to think that I'm a pretty good person, and I don't have this ugly dirty karmic soul... I'm hoping that I have just had a typical run of bad luck, that I've done some careless things that have affected me in a negative way... How do I know for sure tho? Is there a karma test out there??? LOL

Anyways... I am back up and running, my laptop is okay physically, I need to replace the screen, but in the meantime I am using an old CRT monitor as an external display... Takes the portability out of having a laptop, but maybe its a good thing that I can't take it all to bed with me tonight!! lol

Any suggestions for a karmic cleanse?

Until then,

Embrace the Journey.

Bret =)

...evening in the sky

2008-07-25T20:12:00.008-04:00

Last night, we had a spectacular thunder and lightning storm here in Sherkston (outside Fort Erie on the US.Buffalo Boarder). I figured it would be easy to take my camera outside, and snap a few quick shots of the amazing bolts of lightning that penetrated the clouds and sky on their way to earth. Capturing this marvel was much more difficult than I had thought!

(Voila - Before and After... Click to Enlarge)

I am an avid photographer and figured it would be easy to capture a lightning bolt, after all, we see pictures of such in magazines, on TV and posters and figure its simple. I played around with my camera settings for almost an hour in order to start capturing light. I played with increasing and decreasing my ISO speeds from 1600 to 50 and back again. I changed my F-stops, my aperture settings a hundred times, in a hundred different combinations, and still only captured, what I think is a novice photo - I am going to blame the cloud tho, by the time I had things figured out the wind had moved my specimen a few kilometers away! I wasn't able to capture any lightning bolts, but I guess it wasn't too shabby for my first attempt.

Out of 556 pictures only a handful (4 actually) pictures turned out. I used my cameras high speed function, so it continually snapped pictures, but I guess some of my settings were off, or maybe the universe would rather just keep this beautiful phenomena a secret ;)

Well... I am going to head off to bed now, my sister and I are going "garage sailing" tomorrow, an awesome way to replace some of my furniture and to reuse common items. We usually do pretty well when we are out and about, but I will be sure to post pictures of my good finds... If you see me driving around tho, don't follow too close tho, I have been known to break pretty quick, and swerve for garage sale signs. lol

Until then,
Embrace the Journey
Bret =)

...afternoon in the garden

2008-07-23T19:46:00.013-04:00

I spent the afternoon working here in my garden at my mom and dad's home. It was a perfect day to be outside, slightly overcast, cool, with a nice breeze. I've always enjoyed gardening, thanks to my Grandmother and Mom, both had extremely green thumbs, which I've seemed to inherit. The added bonus of having huge gardens are the immense photo opportunities within.

Weeds were easy to pull today, the ground is still very wet from all the rain we have been having, especially the past few days. About 5 years ago, I dug out all the perennial plants from the bed shown here, and laid down the "no weed" landscapers fabric, and recycled mulch. It doesn't seem like a very interesting story, however it has made these gardens almost maintenance free. Also the mulch holds the water and keeps the plants well hydrated during the long hot summer days.

Over the years my mom and I have collected different cuttings, clippings and bulbs from various friends and relatives, not to mention some of my grandmothers, and great grandmothers original plants.

One of my favourite flowers in the garden is the "Purple Flag" as my Grandmother called it. Its a variation of a Iris; and flowers in the late spring, early summer. My Grams had them planted all around her farm house. She brought me a shovel full 10 years ago, and we planted them over by the pond... They didn't do well there, the location was too wet, and didn't get enough sun so I moved them into the central garden where they have been growing like wild ever since!

Another generational plant that I have are from my Great Grandmother and are over 100 years old. Lilly of the Valley were her favourite Flowers These Lillys flower in the early spring and are extremely fragrant.

Again, the peonies were a flower of my Grandmothers, and bloom in the late spring. They are one of my favourites and are easy to divide and share.

The gardens are something I really miss living in my Downtown Niagara Falls apartment, its made me think about finding another place, maybe outside the city, something with a bit of land where I can still get my hands dirty and relax in nature. Maybe I should be making a list of pro's and con's about life in the city... As for my apartment itself, its coming along. They have had a restoration company into spray it down with some sort of paint to seal in the smoke odour, it workd, because when I walked in I couldn't smell anything. The apartment has also been totally rewired. I have started collecting things again, when I see something I like, or onsale, things to replace lost or damaged items.... My sister when moving out of her house even gave me a few cans of Ralph Lauren paint for my bedroom! I can't wait to redesign my space!

Until then,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret

(Some Pictures from my Garden)

My New Look

2008-07-11T13:26:00.005-04:00

So, as some of you may have already noticed my blog has taken on a new shape, form and look! With many many thanks to a dear friend of mine, Bohemian Mom, I have a new, absolutely beautiful banner, which perfectly matches the essence that is me! :)

When were were gathering ideas to create the banner, I scanned threw a hundred pictures, and selected my favourites, and e-mailed them all too her. She quickly came up with a banner the same night (I think she was even more excited than I was!) I couldn't believe how quickly, and perfectly she captured my essence, and seemed to instinctively know exactly what I was looking for!

We went threw a couple rough drafts, and finally decided on a Blog Name that would again capture "me". I didn't want anything specific, that would take me in any sort of direction... I didn't want to label myself as anything else, I just don't think I fit into any one category, so in her brilliant infinite wisdom, she suggested "This Guys Journey". PERFECT! I said.

I have now registered a new domain, so you can link and bookmark directly too http://www.thisguysjourney.com/ it should start working by tomorrow I'm guess ;)

I look forward to joining the community and getting to know everyone! :)

Until then,
Embrace the Journey
Bret

Clean Up, Phase 1

2008-07-07T22:03:00.005-04:00

Well, I am happy to say that the clean up and restoration of my Down Town Niagara Falls Apartment is underway. The kitchen has been gutted, completely, no more floor, walls, ceiling, appliances or cupboards... The rest of the apartment is still intact, but completely empty. I believe they are waiting for a professional restoration crew to come in and spray and clean the rest of the walls and sub floors before they repaint, and install the new flooring and fixtures. I'm pretty exciting.

I was at Walmart with my friend Amie tonight, going up and down the isles, looking at all the things I need to replace was pretty daunting. Its the small things that I lost that kills me. The broom and mop, I need to go buy those bastards again. Cleaning supplies, well that's no problem, I make my own organic cleaning supplies, so as long as I have water, vinegar, tea tree oil and soap I am fine... Bathmats, toilet paper and picture frames... It all just seems like a big pain in the ass, but I will get things put back to normal slowly.

The picture here is of my living room, or whats left of it. People often ask me why I want to go back to "that" apartment after the fire damage.... The answer is, well.... Its my home, and I love it. I love the character of the house. It is one of the original farm houses on Victoria Av in the falls, and even still has the old house numbers on the front door from when the road was dirt and stone.

On the "home" front, or temporary home front here, everything is cleaning up well. My white suede coffee table came up clean using a combination of Water, Soap, Vinegar and Bleach. I soaked it, scrubbed it and let it dry in the hot sun. My clothes have all cleaned up, there is no smell at all. I used a combination of Oxy Clean, Dishwasher Soap, Dish Soap, Borax, Laundry Soap, Colour Safe Bleach, and Vinegar. That's my new cleaning potion, and it works wonders, after 7 loads in the washing machine, and a few overnight soaks... All my dishes and glassware have cleaned up, although I will be putting them threw the dishwasher again... lol I have yet to wash my linens yet, but I'm sure they will be fine... My Kitchen aid mixer tho, my 300$ Kitchen aid mixer is another story... It runs, it runs just fine, but the mixer attachment is fused to the unit, I can't take it off to clean it, or switch to the other mixing attachments, but I did find a parts store online so I can buy them, replace them, and I will be as good as new ;)

Other than that, life has been pretty normal. I can't wait to get outta my dads, back to my home, and slowly have life return to normal.

Until next time ;)

Bret

Firemen are HOT! (But I couldn't really appreciate it since my home was on fire)

2008-06-30T02:03:00.011-04:00

To finalize my Cleanse that I started in the spring, the Universe found it necessary to burn down my apartment. I was tossing around the idea of moving for the past 3 months. I asked for signs, I asked for direction, I asked the universe to help me make a decision. Be careful for what you ask for, that's my advice.

I was at a friends house, Saturday morning, gently sitting on the poach mid morning, when I heard firetrucks, and ambulances, and cop cars whiz down the street. I knew in my gut that it was my place, but went to the end of the street to assess the situation anyways. Sure enough, it was my apartment. I ran back to my friends, grabbed my keys and ran to my home. I was met by the already working and busy firemen as I tried to get up the stairs to rescue my cat. My 3 year old night time cuddle buddy. The firemen directed me down the stairs, with good reason, I couldn't even see my door frame from the middle of the stairs, 8 feet away. About 5 mins later they brought my cat out, he was barely breathing, foaming and frothy on his mouth. I found a firefighter and we gave him a mask and oxygen, which I am thankful for. He responded amazingly well, and thankfully is doing very well. He's back to his old self, including the cuddles.

A few hours later and I was let back inside. The fire started in my apartment, inside my stove, a gas stove. So dangerous.. It spread to the walls, and ceiling in the kitchen, where the fire was contained. My cupboards melted, my microwave across the room melted. The plaster was burnt off the walls, and studs and pipes were then exposed. Paint burnt, bubbled, and peeled from the ceilings, door frames and adjacent walls. The rest of the apartment had been covered in a thick, sticky, oily black, soot/residue. My walls, ceilings and floors were black. My apartment look as if it was an old photograph, worn from exposure, and frayed at the edges. My white suede coffee table is now black, my laptop covered in soot, my clothing stained. It was truly one of the most devastating moments of my life. I sat down on the couch, waited for my oldest sister Shari to arrive. Luckily she was passing threw Toronto after a weekend in Kingston. Apparently I was in some sort of "shock". I sat on the couch, sometimes catching a glimpse of my apartment in an untouched state from the corner of my eye. Those quickly faded, and the broken windows and the reality of the blackened walls hit me like a brick. All I wanted was a cup of tea. My sister took action and went to a family friends and got a truck and trailer, and we loaded up my belongings, weather we could salvage them or not. It was hard to see 27 years of my most prized possessions being loaded onto the back of a truck. We didn't have boxes, or papers to wrap the dishes, but what did it matter... I packed my Grandmothers Canister set, flour, sugar and tea. My dishes, martini shaker, my silverware. I transferred my bottles of herbs into zip lock bags, I am thankful each bottle was sealed with a trust plastic ring that didn't melt. I loaded my wine fridge, my kitchen aid mixer and left the rest of the kitchen for junk.

I emptied my medicine shelf in the bathroom, taking only the necessities. Deodorant, some Advil (I wasn't in a Chamomile Tea, Homeopathic Mood) and the cats food. I left my shower curtain, bathmats and most of my linens.

My bedroom was just as bad, being farthest away from the fire I was surprised as the damage. I picked up my clothes off the floor, emptied my closet, loaded up pictures, memories and anything glass I knew I could wash. I left my bed, which killed me, because I just bought it, but smoke never comes out of fabric like that, it wouldn't have been healthy to salvage. I left my bedding. Everything I worked so hard to accomplish, left behind.

Finally my living room. The room I dreaded the most. I stood there, looked at my laptop wondering what condition it would be in. I have photos on my computer, of my family, that I could never get back. Pictures of my Grams, and Mom. Its funny, I sat in my living room a week before the fire, and said to myself.... "what are the 3 things I would grab if this place went up in flames.... 1. My Cat, 2. My Laptop, 3. My Family Photos... Its odd the thoughts we have, so random, but maybe a sign. I gathered books, I know they can't be saved, as they would trap the smell of smoke for an eternity, but I just couldn't leave them behind. I grabbed my trunk, containing some of my more precious memories, pictures, letters and books. I left my couch, my TV stand, all my blankets and area rugs..

It took me 18 months to make that dusty apartment a home, and only a few hours to empty its contents. How sad.

I am happy to say I have my laptop working. I took it apart (being pretty handy) and cleaned the logic board, and all its components with alcohol and cotton swabs. I took apart the exhaust fan, and hand washed it in the sink. Its funny, I was in the process of downloading a few movies to watch, and what popped up saying "download complete" was the movie "Things we lost in the fire". I always ask the universe for signs, but I miss them for some reason. I don't know how to identify them before the trauma...

I am happy that no one was hurt, after all its just stuff... My landlord said the funniest thing to me. He said "I am so sorry, you had such a beautiful apartment, your things were so beautiful, I am so sorry, I feel so bad for you"... I asked him why? Its just stuff, its property, not people....

I've been through bigger losses than a few picture frames, a wool jacket and microwave. I know that the universe has a plan for everything, and everyone. Do I understand it now? God no, I have no idea what this world has in store for me, but I do know I'm safe, I have the most amazing sisters and brother-in-laws, friends, and I am thankful everyday for what I do have.

This isn't a step backwards for me, this is a step forward. A door is never closed without a window being opened. Fire and smoke can't hold me back or down. Life is a lesson, its education, sometimes we learn the hard way.

Until next time, be safe.

Bret =)

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T22:37:00.003-04:00

Kind of a mixed day for me. It's been about 8 months since I lost my mom to Cancer, and my Grandmother to Althzimers. I say "mixed" because my oldest sister Shari just had a baby girl 6 months ago. Ksenia. She is an amazing addition to the family, and came to us at a time when we had lost so very much. When she was born I truly understood the saying "God never closes a door without opening a window".

I planned a Mothers day dinner at my parents house tonight, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I made one of her favourite dinners and we sat around and just laughed at the jokes, and bowed our heads in the silence. I bought my mom a mothers day card too, wrote her a letter, sealed it and left it on her nightstand. It's true what they say, you never really know what you have until its gone. I've always had a close and tight relationship with my mom, we all have. We've always been a close family. Two Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months. Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.

I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot, asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. My Dad rarely goes into the room, he sleeps in another room now. I think it must be too hard for him. Me, well some days I sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. My sisters think it might be time to pack up some of her belongings and put them into storage, that it could help our dad become a bit more comfortable in the house. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I don't know if I am ready to lose another part of her.

My Mom and I could always be found working outside, usually in the gardens, or around the pool. We have a large collection of Perennial flowers, and a special collection of Dahlia bulbs. I find now that I have a very difficult time with change. A few weeks ago, my dad had planted something different in one of the gardens, so I dug it up and moved it somewhere else. When he moves furniture or pictures around the house, I find myself moving them back to their natural location, where they have been for 25 years. I don't understand why he moves things around, and he can't understand why I feel so compelled to move them back. I'm not too sure if this is normal or not. The desire for change from one party, and the resistance to change from another. I struggled with this idea with my sister the other night, the only resolution to come of it was that we all heal and cope in different ways. I just continue to follow a path...

So as I finish my glass of wine, I hold it up; for my Mom, and yours. Weather they are neer, or far, if your on speaking terms, or not remember that losing them feels the same, weather your 25, or 52. Tell your mom how much you love her, ever day, don't wait again for next mothers day, because you may not get the chance....

Happy Mothers Day,
Bret xoxo

Meme

2008-04-28T23:21:00.002-04:00

Not tagging anyone, do it if you feel like it!

1. What I was doing five years ago:
~Living at home, happy, feeling safe and together....

2. Five things on my to-do list:
~ organize my herb cabinet
~ laundry
~ write and paint
~ get some bath salts
~ find a good fibre source

3. Five favourite smells:
~ nagchampa
~ gasoline (ya kinda scary)
~ geranium
~ a babys head
~ puppy breath

4. Five junk-food items I enjoy:
~ mcdonalds fried
~ chocolate icecream
~ pepperettes
~ salt and vinegar chips
~ freezies

5. Five favourite articles of clothing:
~ my old navy fleece
~ my pinstripe dress pants
~ my sexy blue undies (yeah imagine that)
~ my university "cartier" sweater
~ HATE socks!!

6. Five things I would do if I was a billionaire:
~ open a holistic store/spa
~ build a brand new house
~ open a home for unwed teen mothers AND preach to them threw their whole pregnacy (hahahah you know who you are)
~ 2 words : Punta Cana
~ open up a private school

7. Five of my bad habits:
~ I fall in love in about 8 mins
~ Im always late
~ Im not very self motivating
~ I'm needy, and need constant reassurance
~ Let people in too quickly

8. Five jobs I've had:
~ Marineland
~ Apple/HP Support
~ Purchasing Manager
~ Book keeper / Accounting
~ electrician

9. Five all time favourite movies:
~ Startrek (anything)
~ Anything Zombie
~ I am Legand
~ Girl, Interupted
~ Superbad

10. Five favourite bands/musicians:
~ Ani DiFranco
~ Indigo Girls
~ Jann Arden
~ Dixie Chicks
~ Gwen Steffani

Ode to a Friend

2008-04-24T21:44:00.013-04:00

I don't mind if you stay longer

You have not been any trouble

I don't want you

to go home yet

can you stay

just stay ten more minutes

You are my best friend

I don't know how I live

How I love you

every square inch

Love your brown eyes

your forgiveness

Don't go home now

It's past midnight

You can sleep here

we'll have breakfast

You are my greatest gift

I don't know how I live

You are my saving grace

You are my heart my true friend.

Spring Buds, Tulips and Yoga

2008-04-24T13:51:00.010-04:00

Spring Spring Spring

There is no doubting it spring outside, to the budding trees and bushes to the blossoming tulips. I worked in the garden yesterday, for almost 5 hours, and right through the centre of an April Shower. Clearing off last years dead leaves and stems, the dog and I were just minding our own business when all of a sudden the skies turned dark and it poured rain for a good 10-15 mins. I continued worked in the gardens through the rain, it was suprisingly warm, and felt so cleansing. I guess the garden, the dog and I needed a good spring rain.

It seems around this time, every year that my body wants to fluff off the dead leaves and rebud and bloom, its an urge that usually sends me into a health kick for a while. This year its hit pretty hard, with me making many changes in my dietary and spirtual needs. 3 days ago I started a cleanse, being my first I really didn't know where to start, or what to do, I ended up at my local health food store and purchased the Renew Life CleanseSmart Kit. What I like about this kit was its a whole body cleanse, kidneys, liver, blood and colon. I think the hardest part of the cleanse has been the dietary changes. I've learned that White = Evil. White Bread, Rice, Butter, Milk, Cheese, its really been quite a change. I haven't eaten any of these, or processed food, or fast food. I feel great! Although I am still sleeping not very well, I think that has to do with the Sleep Apnea, but that is a whole other story....

I have also felt that its time again to start up my personal Yoga practice. I have followed the Hatha traditions now for quite a few years. I don't know why my yoga momenta winds down, mostly in the fall and winter. I guess as nature around us begins to hibernate, so do I. Being Spring, its time to dust off my mat, move the coffee table and strike up a downward facing dog. In the past I have studdied with instructors, in ashrams and locally, but for the past few years I have felt confident in my own personal practice. A few years back I bought a few Yoga instructional DVD's, just out of the bargin bins from Walmart and have found them very helpful. I usually pop one in the morning to set a balanced tone for the day. Spring is such a powerful time.

With Spring, also comes spring cleaning, which is my task today for my home.

Until next time ;) Bret

6 a.m.

2008-04-22T05:14:00.007-04:00

So its 6 o'clock in the morning, or as I like to refer to it as Stupid o'clock. Why am I awake you might ask? Well, I have been asking myself the same question since 3:21am. Wen't to bed, nice and early at Midnight, and for some reason I just can't stay sleeping.

Tonight again it was the urge to pee, which I am thankful for, because of the nightmare I was having, lets just say it involved ghosts... I am usually up 2-4 times a night to pee, is that normal? Does anyone else share my frequency, and urgency (anyone besides a pregnate woman - any thoughts on this Ayre)?? I am wondering if I should start having a cup of sleepy time tea before bed, if that would keep me awake, or limit my fluids after 8. I always look on the bright side tho, at least my nightmare didn't involve me thinking I was already sitting on a toilet, instead of laying in my warm bed. I've pee'd the bed a few times in my 26 years, I won't comment on the recentness, however I remember being so drunk once that I literally weighed the pro's and con's of peeing in the bed. Hmmmmm, should I get up too pee, or just pee in the bed? Well... It will be warm for a minuet.... It's a big bed, I can just roll over.... I know, I can blame it on that guy!

The cat is playing with one of my metal crochet hooks on my wood floor. Its starting to get the better of me, i've got the tv on tho, so I guess the score is pretty even. I wonder what he thinks of my noise. I've had him for almost 2 years now, rescued from the shelter - they said he was a stray roaming the shores of Lake Erie in Dunville. As soon as I heard he was from Dunville I had my doubts, with all the inbreeding and such I wondering if he'd be walking into walls, and eating my socks, but hes turned out to be pretty smart. He comes when he's called, and sits in the window meowing at the kids below. He's so greatful for being out of the elements and not have to hunt and beg for his dinners any longer. I'm greatful for him too, he is good company in an otherwise empty home, and as an added bonus I never have to drink alone. He usually sleeps in bed with me, but sometimes I wake up to find him on the couch, maybe my snoring drove him to it. Sadly he's the closest thing to a boyfriend I have.

Well, I am going to give this "sleeping" thing another shot... Until next time.

Bret