Firemen are HOT! (But I couldn't really appreciate it since my home was on fire)

To finalize my Cleanse that I started in the spring, the Universe found it necessary to burn down my apartment. I was tossing around the idea of moving for the past 3 months. I asked for signs, I asked for direction, I asked the universe to help me make a decision. Be careful for what you ask for, that's my advice.

I was at a friends house, Saturday morning, gently sitting on the poach mid morning, when I heard firetrucks, and ambulances, and cop cars whiz down the street. I knew in my gut that it was my place, but went to the end of the street to assess the situation anyways. Sure enough, it was my apartment. I ran back to my friends, grabbed my keys and ran to my home. I was met by the already working and busy firemen as I tried to get up the stairs to rescue my cat. My 3 year old night time cuddle buddy. The firemen directed me down the stairs, with good reason, I couldn't even see my door frame from the middle of the stairs, 8 feet away. About 5 mins later they brought my cat out, he was barely breathing, foaming and frothy on his mouth. I found a firefighter and we gave him a mask and oxygen, which I am thankful for. He responded amazingly well, and thankfully is doing very well. He's back to his old self, including the cuddles.

A few hours later and I was let back inside. The fire started in my apartment, inside my stove, a gas stove. So dangerous.. It spread to the walls, and ceiling in the kitchen, where the fire was contained. My cupboards melted, my microwave across the room melted. The plaster was burnt off the walls, and studs and pipes were then exposed. Paint burnt, bubbled, and peeled from the ceilings, door frames and adjacent walls. The rest of the apartment had been covered in a thick, sticky, oily black, soot/residue. My walls, ceilings and floors were black. My apartment look as if it was an old photograph, worn from exposure, and frayed at the edges. My white suede coffee table is now black, my laptop covered in soot, my clothing stained. It was truly one of the most devastating moments of my life. I sat down on the couch, waited for my oldest sister Shari to arrive. Luckily she was passing threw Toronto after a weekend in Kingston. Apparently I was in some sort of "shock". I sat on the couch, sometimes catching a glimpse of my apartment in an untouched state from the corner of my eye. Those quickly faded, and the broken windows and the reality of the blackened walls hit me like a brick. All I wanted was a cup of tea. My sister took action and went to a family friends and got a truck and trailer, and we loaded up my belongings, weather we could salvage them or not. It was hard to see 27 years of my most prized possessions being loaded onto the back of a truck. We didn't have boxes, or papers to wrap the dishes, but what did it matter... I packed my Grandmothers Canister set, flour, sugar and tea. My dishes, martini shaker, my silverware. I transferred my bottles of herbs into zip lock bags, I am thankful each bottle was sealed with a trust plastic ring that didn't melt. I loaded my wine fridge, my kitchen aid mixer and left the rest of the kitchen for junk.

I emptied my medicine shelf in the bathroom, taking only the necessities. Deodorant, some Advil (I wasn't in a Chamomile Tea, Homeopathic Mood) and the cats food. I left my shower curtain, bathmats and most of my linens.

My bedroom was just as bad, being farthest away from the fire I was surprised as the damage. I picked up my clothes off the floor, emptied my closet, loaded up pictures, memories and anything glass I knew I could wash. I left my bed, which killed me, because I just bought it, but smoke never comes out of fabric like that, it wouldn't have been healthy to salvage. I left my bedding. Everything I worked so hard to accomplish, left behind.

Finally my living room. The room I dreaded the most. I stood there, looked at my laptop wondering what condition it would be in. I have photos on my computer, of my family, that I could never get back. Pictures of my Grams, and Mom. Its funny, I sat in my living room a week before the fire, and said to myself.... "what are the 3 things I would grab if this place went up in flames.... 1. My Cat, 2. My Laptop, 3. My Family Photos... Its odd the thoughts we have, so random, but maybe a sign. I gathered books, I know they can't be saved, as they would trap the smell of smoke for an eternity, but I just couldn't leave them behind. I grabbed my trunk, containing some of my more precious memories, pictures, letters and books. I left my couch, my TV stand, all my blankets and area rugs..

It took me 18 months to make that dusty apartment a home, and only a few hours to empty its contents. How sad.

I am happy to say I have my laptop working. I took it apart (being pretty handy) and cleaned the logic board, and all its components with alcohol and cotton swabs. I took apart the exhaust fan, and hand washed it in the sink. Its funny, I was in the process of downloading a few movies to watch, and what popped up saying "download complete" was the movie "Things we lost in the fire". I always ask the universe for signs, but I miss them for some reason. I don't know how to identify them before the trauma...

I am happy that no one was hurt, after all its just stuff... My landlord said the funniest thing to me. He said "I am so sorry, you had such a beautiful apartment, your things were so beautiful, I am so sorry, I feel so bad for you"... I asked him why? Its just stuff, its property, not people....

I've been through bigger losses than a few picture frames, a wool jacket and microwave. I know that the universe has a plan for everything, and everyone. Do I understand it now? God no, I have no idea what this world has in store for me, but I do know I'm safe, I have the most amazing sisters and brother-in-laws, friends, and I am thankful everyday for what I do have.

This isn't a step backwards for me, this is a step forward. A door is never closed without a window being opened. Fire and smoke can't hold me back or down. Life is a lesson, its education, sometimes we learn the hard way.

Until next time, be safe.

Bret =)

Happy Mothers Day

Kind of a mixed day for me. It's been about 8 months since I lost my mom to Cancer, and my Grandmother to Althzimers. I say "mixed" because my oldest sister Shari just had a baby girl 6 months ago. Ksenia. She is an amazing addition to the family, and came to us at a time when we had lost so very much. When she was born I truly understood the saying "God never closes a door without opening a window".

I planned a Mothers day dinner at my parents house tonight, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I made one of her favourite dinners and we sat around and just laughed at the jokes, and bowed our heads in the silence. I bought my mom a mothers day card too, wrote her a letter, sealed it and left it on her nightstand. It's true what they say, you never really know what you have until its gone. I've always had a close and tight relationship with my mom, we all have. We've always been a close family. Two Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months. Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.

I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot, asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. My Dad rarely goes into the room, he sleeps in another room now. I think it must be too hard for him. Me, well some days I sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. My sisters think it might be time to pack up some of her belongings and put them into storage, that it could help our dad become a bit more comfortable in the house. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I don't know if I am ready to lose another part of her.

My Mom and I could always be found working outside, usually in the gardens, or around the pool. We have a large collection of Perennial flowers, and a special collection of Dahlia bulbs. I find now that I have a very difficult time with change. A few weeks ago, my dad had planted something different in one of the gardens, so I dug it up and moved it somewhere else. When he moves furniture or pictures around the house, I find myself moving them back to their natural location, where they have been for 25 years. I don't understand why he moves things around, and he can't understand why I feel so compelled to move them back. I'm not too sure if this is normal or not. The desire for change from one party, and the resistance to change from another. I struggled with this idea with my sister the other night, the only resolution to come of it was that we all heal and cope in different ways. I just continue to follow a path...

So as I finish my glass of wine, I hold it up; for my Mom, and yours. Weather they are neer, or far, if your on speaking terms, or not remember that losing them feels the same, weather your 25, or 52. Tell your mom how much you love her, ever day, don't wait again for next mothers day, because you may not get the chance....

Happy Mothers Day,
Bret xoxo

Meme

Not tagging anyone, do it if you feel like it!

1. What I was doing five years ago:
~Living at home, happy, feeling safe and together....

2. Five things on my to-do list:
~ organize my herb cabinet
~ laundry
~ write and paint
~ get some bath salts
~ find a good fibre source

3. Five favourite smells:
~ nagchampa
~ gasoline (ya kinda scary)
~ geranium
~ a babys head
~ puppy breath

4. Five junk-food items I enjoy:
~ mcdonalds fried
~ chocolate icecream
~ pepperettes
~ salt and vinegar chips
~ freezies

5. Five favourite articles of clothing:
~ my old navy fleece
~ my pinstripe dress pants
~ my sexy blue undies (yeah imagine that)
~ my university "cartier" sweater
~ HATE socks!!

6. Five things I would do if I was a billionaire:
~ open a holistic store/spa
~ build a brand new house
~ open a home for unwed teen mothers AND preach to them threw their whole pregnacy (hahahah you know who you are)
~ 2 words : Punta Cana
~ open up a private school

7. Five of my bad habits:
~ I fall in love in about 8 mins
~ Im always late
~ Im not very self motivating
~ I'm needy, and need constant reassurance
~ Let people in too quickly

8. Five jobs I've had:
~ Marineland
~ Apple/HP Support
~ Purchasing Manager
~ Book keeper / Accounting
~ electrician

9. Five all time favourite movies:
~ Startrek (anything)
~ Anything Zombie
~ I am Legand
~ Girl, Interupted
~ Superbad

10. Five favourite bands/musicians:
~ Ani DiFranco
~ Indigo Girls
~ Jann Arden
~ Dixie Chicks
~ Gwen Steffani

Ode to a Friend

I don't mind if you stay longer

You have not been any trouble

I don't want you

to go home yet

can you stay

just stay ten more minutes

You are my best friend

I don't know how I live

How I love you

every square inch

Love your brown eyes

your forgiveness

Don't go home now

It's past midnight

You can sleep here

we'll have breakfast

You are my greatest gift

I don't know how I live

You are my saving grace

You are my heart my true friend.

Spring Buds, Tulips and Yoga

Spring Spring Spring

There is no doubting it spring outside, to the budding trees and bushes to the blossoming tulips. I worked in the garden yesterday, for almost 5 hours, and right through the centre of an April Shower. Clearing off last years dead leaves and stems, the dog and I were just minding our own business when all of a sudden the skies turned dark and it poured rain for a good 10-15 mins. I continued worked in the gardens through the rain, it was suprisingly warm, and felt so cleansing. I guess the garden, the dog and I needed a good spring rain.

It seems around this time, every year that my body wants to fluff off the dead leaves and rebud and bloom, its an urge that usually sends me into a health kick for a while. This year its hit pretty hard, with me making many changes in my dietary and spirtual needs. 3 days ago I started a cleanse, being my first I really didn't know where to start, or what to do, I ended up at my local health food store and purchased the Renew Life CleanseSmart Kit. What I like about this kit was its a whole body cleanse, kidneys, liver, blood and colon. I think the hardest part of the cleanse has been the dietary changes. I've learned that White = Evil. White Bread, Rice, Butter, Milk, Cheese, its really been quite a change. I haven't eaten any of these, or processed food, or fast food. I feel great! Although I am still sleeping not very well, I think that has to do with the Sleep Apnea, but that is a whole other story....

I have also felt that its time again to start up my personal Yoga practice. I have followed the Hatha traditions now for quite a few years. I don't know why my yoga momenta winds down, mostly in the fall and winter. I guess as nature around us begins to hibernate, so do I. Being Spring, its time to dust off my mat, move the coffee table and strike up a downward facing dog. In the past I have studdied with instructors, in ashrams and locally, but for the past few years I have felt confident in my own personal practice. A few years back I bought a few Yoga instructional DVD's, just out of the bargin bins from Walmart and have found them very helpful. I usually pop one in the morning to set a balanced tone for the day. Spring is such a powerful time.

With Spring, also comes spring cleaning, which is my task today for my home.

Until next time ;) Bret

6 a.m.

So its 6 o'clock in the morning, or as I like to refer to it as Stupid o'clock. Why am I awake you might ask? Well, I have been asking myself the same question since 3:21am. Wen't to bed, nice and early at Midnight, and for some reason I just can't stay sleeping.

Tonight again it was the urge to pee, which I am thankful for, because of the nightmare I was having, lets just say it involved ghosts... I am usually up 2-4 times a night to pee, is that normal? Does anyone else share my frequency, and urgency (anyone besides a pregnate woman - any thoughts on this Ayre)?? I am wondering if I should start having a cup of sleepy time tea before bed, if that would keep me awake, or limit my fluids after 8. I always look on the bright side tho, at least my nightmare didn't involve me thinking I was already sitting on a toilet, instead of laying in my warm bed. I've pee'd the bed a few times in my 26 years, I won't comment on the recentness, however I remember being so drunk once that I literally weighed the pro's and con's of peeing in the bed. Hmmmmm, should I get up too pee, or just pee in the bed? Well... It will be warm for a minuet.... It's a big bed, I can just roll over.... I know, I can blame it on that guy!

The cat is playing with one of my metal crochet hooks on my wood floor. Its starting to get the better of me, i've got the tv on tho, so I guess the score is pretty even. I wonder what he thinks of my noise. I've had him for almost 2 years now, rescued from the shelter - they said he was a stray roaming the shores of Lake Erie in Dunville. As soon as I heard he was from Dunville I had my doubts, with all the inbreeding and such I wondering if he'd be walking into walls, and eating my socks, but hes turned out to be pretty smart. He comes when he's called, and sits in the window meowing at the kids below. He's so greatful for being out of the elements and not have to hunt and beg for his dinners any longer. I'm greatful for him too, he is good company in an otherwise empty home, and as an added bonus I never have to drink alone. He usually sleeps in bed with me, but sometimes I wake up to find him on the couch, maybe my snoring drove him to it. Sadly he's the closest thing to a boyfriend I have.

Well, I am going to give this "sleeping" thing another shot... Until next time.

Bret