I am an endless journey...

I have a little book, called "Inner Wisdom, Meditations for the Heart and Soul - by Louise L. Hay". I love this book, and had to dig threw 8 boxes to find it (it was cleaned and packed after the fire)... Whenever I (or a friend) is going threw a rough time in their life, I sit with the book, think about the issues and open to a random page and read the affirmations on that page and meditate with those affirmations threw out the day. The book as always been accurate as to what I am going threw, and even tho I think its out of print, everyone should have one!!!

So this is the page that I opened up too just now this morning, after thinking and stressing about my apartment fire, and broken laptop (among various other things).

The book reads:

In the infinity of life, all is perfect, whole, and complete. The cycle of life
is also perfect, whole, and complete. There is a time of beginning, a time
of growth, a time of being, a time of withering or wearing out, and a time
of leaving. This is all part of the perfection of life. I sense it as normal
and natural, and though saddened at times, I accept the cycle and rhythms.
Sometimes there is an abrupt ending in mid-cycle. I am jarred and feel
threatened. Someone dies too soon, or something was smashed and broken.
However, I know that life is ever-changing. There is no beginning and no
end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experience. Life
is never stuck or static or stale, for each moment is ever-new and fresh.
Every ending is a new point of beginning.

I think it does fit very well to whats going on. Life IS ever changing, no beginning, no end, just the cycle of life. Its normal and natural.

Gotta run, get my day started! ;)

Embrace the Journey

Bret =)

HELP!!

So... I think I am Karmicly Screwed! I'm not too sure what I've done to be receiving all the back luck that has been sent my way, but something is up!

So as many of you already know, this past year has been hell for me. Just last month my apartment caught on fire, recently the transmission on my car is shot, and now this morning I smashed my laptop screen...

I can't even explain how I broke the screen, its an odd little story, but if you have a few minuets, here you go. The past month that I have been living with my dad, I have been staying in my mom's old room, mainly because its comforting to me, and there is an amazing king sized bed. I always bring my laptop to bed, to read blogs, sort threw pictures and catch up on some TV shows that I had missed over the week. Sometimes I fall asleep with the laptop on my lap, only to wake up in the same position, set the laptop down next to me and go back to sleep.

Last night I fell asleep with my laptop on my lap, and woke up around 9am, thanks to the "call of nature". I noticed that my laptop was all the way across the room (a big room) on the floor, on the opposite side of the bed, on the opposite side of the room, which is about 20 feet away... Now, the odd thing is that the laptop was sitting like a triangle.... Imagine the laptop as a book, with the spine pointing straight up in the air towards the ceiling, and the screen and keyboard on either side... Like a triangle...

I guess the "obvious" answer is, I fell asleep, rolled over, and the laptop bounced and rolled off the bed, onto the floor 20 feet away...

I guess how it happened isn't really paramount, but I am wondering WHY things like this keeps happening? I don't understand it, am I doing something wrong? Is this some form of bad karma coming to me? I just can't figure it out! What is with the destruction of my personal property?

I have surmised that either:

1. I'm cursed

2. Karma is paying me back (for what I don't know)

3. I'm just clumsy

4. I need to be more careful with my things

5. Something out there doesn't like me very much...

I'm not a paranoid person, lol, so I don't think some evil spirit, or being has it "out" for me, but I guess I shouldn't rule out the possibility... I would also like to think that I'm a pretty good person, and I don't have this ugly dirty karmic soul... I'm hoping that I have just had a typical run of bad luck, that I've done some careless things that have affected me in a negative way... How do I know for sure tho? Is there a karma test out there??? LOL

Anyways... I am back up and running, my laptop is okay physically, I need to replace the screen, but in the meantime I am using an old CRT monitor as an external display... Takes the portability out of having a laptop, but maybe its a good thing that I can't take it all to bed with me tonight!! lol

Any suggestions for a karmic cleanse?

Until then,

Embrace the Journey.

Bret =)

...evening in the sky

Last night, we had a spectacular thunder and lightning storm here in Sherkston (outside Fort Erie on the US.Buffalo Boarder). I figured it would be easy to take my camera outside, and snap a few quick shots of the amazing bolts of lightning that penetrated the clouds and sky on their way to earth. Capturing this marvel was much more difficult than I had thought!

(Voila - Before and After... Click to Enlarge)

I am an avid photographer and figured it would be easy to capture a lightning bolt, after all, we see pictures of such in magazines, on TV and posters and figure its simple. I played around with my camera settings for almost an hour in order to start capturing light. I played with increasing and decreasing my ISO speeds from 1600 to 50 and back again. I changed my F-stops, my aperture settings a hundred times, in a hundred different combinations, and still only captured, what I think is a novice photo - I am going to blame the cloud tho, by the time I had things figured out the wind had moved my specimen a few kilometers away! I wasn't able to capture any lightning bolts, but I guess it wasn't too shabby for my first attempt.

Out of 556 pictures only a handful (4 actually) pictures turned out. I used my cameras high speed function, so it continually snapped pictures, but I guess some of my settings were off, or maybe the universe would rather just keep this beautiful phenomena a secret ;)

Well... I am going to head off to bed now, my sister and I are going "garage sailing" tomorrow, an awesome way to replace some of my furniture and to reuse common items. We usually do pretty well when we are out and about, but I will be sure to post pictures of my good finds... If you see me driving around tho, don't follow too close tho, I have been known to break pretty quick, and swerve for garage sale signs. lol

Until then,
Embrace the Journey
Bret =)

...afternoon in the garden

I spent the afternoon working here in my garden at my mom and dad's home. It was a perfect day to be outside, slightly overcast, cool, with a nice breeze. I've always enjoyed gardening, thanks to my Grandmother and Mom, both had extremely green thumbs, which I've seemed to inherit. The added bonus of having huge gardens are the immense photo opportunities within.



Weeds were easy to pull today, the ground is still very wet from all the rain we have been having, especially the past few days. About 5 years ago, I dug out all the perennial plants from the bed shown here, and laid down the "no weed" landscapers fabric, and recycled mulch. It doesn't seem like a very interesting story, however it has made these gardens almost maintenance free. Also the mulch holds the water and keeps the plants well hydrated during the long hot summer days.



Over the years my mom and I have collected different cuttings, clippings and bulbs from various friends and relatives, not to mention some of my grandmothers, and great grandmothers original plants.


One of my favourite flowers in the garden is the "Purple Flag" as my Grandmother called it. Its a variation of a Iris; and flowers in the late spring, early summer. My Grams had them planted all around her farm house. She brought me a shovel full 10 years ago, and we planted them over by the pond... They didn't do well there, the location was too wet, and didn't get enough sun so I moved them into the central garden where they have been growing like wild ever since!






Another generational plant that I have are from my Great Grandmother and are over 100 years old. Lilly of the Valley were her favourite Flowers These Lillys flower in the early spring and are extremely fragrant.





Again, the peonies were a flower of my Grandmothers, and bloom in the late spring. They are one of my favourites and are easy to divide and share.





The gardens are something I really miss living in my Downtown Niagara Falls apartment, its made me think about finding another place, maybe outside the city, something with a bit of land where I can still get my hands dirty and relax in nature. Maybe I should be making a list of pro's and con's about life in the city... As for my apartment itself, its coming along. They have had a restoration company into spray it down with some sort of paint to seal in the smoke odour, it workd, because when I walked in I couldn't smell anything. The apartment has also been totally rewired. I have started collecting things again, when I see something I like, or onsale, things to replace lost or damaged items.... My sister when moving out of her house even gave me a few cans of Ralph Lauren paint for my bedroom! I can't wait to redesign my space!

Until then,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret

(Some Pictures from my Garden)

My New Look

So, as some of you may have already noticed my blog has taken on a new shape, form and look! With many many thanks to a dear friend of mine, Bohemian Mom, I have a new, absolutely beautiful banner, which perfectly matches the essence that is me! :)


When were were gathering ideas to create the banner, I scanned threw a hundred pictures, and selected my favourites, and e-mailed them all too her. She quickly came up with a banner the same night (I think she was even more excited than I was!) I couldn't believe how quickly, and perfectly she captured my essence, and seemed to instinctively know exactly what I was looking for!



We went threw a couple rough drafts, and finally decided on a Blog Name that would again capture "me". I didn't want anything specific, that would take me in any sort of direction... I didn't want to label myself as anything else, I just don't think I fit into any one category, so in her brilliant infinite wisdom, she suggested "This Guys Journey". PERFECT! I said.



I have now registered a new domain, so you can link and bookmark directly too http://www.thisguysjourney.com/ it should start working by tomorrow I'm guess ;)

I look forward to joining the community and getting to know everyone! :)

Until then,
Embrace the Journey
Bret

Clean Up, Phase 1

Well, I am happy to say that the clean up and restoration of my Down Town Niagara Falls Apartment is underway. The kitchen has been gutted, completely, no more floor, walls, ceiling, appliances or cupboards... The rest of the apartment is still intact, but completely empty. I believe they are waiting for a professional restoration crew to come in and spray and clean the rest of the walls and sub floors before they repaint, and install the new flooring and fixtures. I'm pretty exciting.



I was at Walmart with my friend Amie tonight, going up and down the isles, looking at all the things I need to replace was pretty daunting. Its the small things that I lost that kills me. The broom and mop, I need to go buy those bastards again. Cleaning supplies, well that's no problem, I make my own organic cleaning supplies, so as long as I have water, vinegar, tea tree oil and soap I am fine... Bathmats, toilet paper and picture frames... It all just seems like a big pain in the ass, but I will get things put back to normal slowly.




The picture here is of my living room, or whats left of it. People often ask me why I want to go back to "that" apartment after the fire damage.... The answer is, well.... Its my home, and I love it. I love the character of the house. It is one of the original farm houses on Victoria Av in the falls, and even still has the old house numbers on the front door from when the road was dirt and stone.



On the "home" front, or temporary home front here, everything is cleaning up well. My white suede coffee table came up clean using a combination of Water, Soap, Vinegar and Bleach. I soaked it, scrubbed it and let it dry in the hot sun. My clothes have all cleaned up, there is no smell at all. I used a combination of Oxy Clean, Dishwasher Soap, Dish Soap, Borax, Laundry Soap, Colour Safe Bleach, and Vinegar. That's my new cleaning potion, and it works wonders, after 7 loads in the washing machine, and a few overnight soaks... All my dishes and glassware have cleaned up, although I will be putting them threw the dishwasher again... lol I have yet to wash my linens yet, but I'm sure they will be fine... My Kitchen aid mixer tho, my 300$ Kitchen aid mixer is another story... It runs, it runs just fine, but the mixer attachment is fused to the unit, I can't take it off to clean it, or switch to the other mixing attachments, but I did find a parts store online so I can buy them, replace them, and I will be as good as new ;)



Other than that, life has been pretty normal. I can't wait to get outta my dads, back to my home, and slowly have life return to normal.



Until next time ;)

Bret

Firemen are HOT! (But I couldn't really appreciate it since my home was on fire)

To finalize my Cleanse that I started in the spring, the Universe found it necessary to burn down my apartment. I was tossing around the idea of moving for the past 3 months. I asked for signs, I asked for direction, I asked the universe to help me make a decision. Be careful for what you ask for, that's my advice.

I was at a friends house, Saturday morning, gently sitting on the poach mid morning, when I heard firetrucks, and ambulances, and cop cars whiz down the street. I knew in my gut that it was my place, but went to the end of the street to assess the situation anyways. Sure enough, it was my apartment. I ran back to my friends, grabbed my keys and ran to my home. I was met by the already working and busy firemen as I tried to get up the stairs to rescue my cat. My 3 year old night time cuddle buddy. The firemen directed me down the stairs, with good reason, I couldn't even see my door frame from the middle of the stairs, 8 feet away. About 5 mins later they brought my cat out, he was barely breathing, foaming and frothy on his mouth. I found a firefighter and we gave him a mask and oxygen, which I am thankful for. He responded amazingly well, and thankfully is doing very well. He's back to his old self, including the cuddles.

A few hours later and I was let back inside. The fire started in my apartment, inside my stove, a gas stove. So dangerous.. It spread to the walls, and ceiling in the kitchen, where the fire was contained. My cupboards melted, my microwave across the room melted. The plaster was burnt off the walls, and studs and pipes were then exposed. Paint burnt, bubbled, and peeled from the ceilings, door frames and adjacent walls. The rest of the apartment had been covered in a thick, sticky, oily black, soot/residue. My walls, ceilings and floors were black. My apartment look as if it was an old photograph, worn from exposure, and frayed at the edges. My white suede coffee table is now black, my laptop covered in soot, my clothing stained. It was truly one of the most devastating moments of my life. I sat down on the couch, waited for my oldest sister Shari to arrive. Luckily she was passing threw Toronto after a weekend in Kingston. Apparently I was in some sort of "shock". I sat on the couch, sometimes catching a glimpse of my apartment in an untouched state from the corner of my eye. Those quickly faded, and the broken windows and the reality of the blackened walls hit me like a brick. All I wanted was a cup of tea. My sister took action and went to a family friends and got a truck and trailer, and we loaded up my belongings, weather we could salvage them or not. It was hard to see 27 years of my most prized possessions being loaded onto the back of a truck. We didn't have boxes, or papers to wrap the dishes, but what did it matter... I packed my Grandmothers Canister set, flour, sugar and tea. My dishes, martini shaker, my silverware. I transferred my bottles of herbs into zip lock bags, I am thankful each bottle was sealed with a trust plastic ring that didn't melt. I loaded my wine fridge, my kitchen aid mixer and left the rest of the kitchen for junk.

I emptied my medicine shelf in the bathroom, taking only the necessities. Deodorant, some Advil (I wasn't in a Chamomile Tea, Homeopathic Mood) and the cats food. I left my shower curtain, bathmats and most of my linens.

My bedroom was just as bad, being farthest away from the fire I was surprised as the damage. I picked up my clothes off the floor, emptied my closet, loaded up pictures, memories and anything glass I knew I could wash. I left my bed, which killed me, because I just bought it, but smoke never comes out of fabric like that, it wouldn't have been healthy to salvage. I left my bedding. Everything I worked so hard to accomplish, left behind.

Finally my living room. The room I dreaded the most. I stood there, looked at my laptop wondering what condition it would be in. I have photos on my computer, of my family, that I could never get back. Pictures of my Grams, and Mom. Its funny, I sat in my living room a week before the fire, and said to myself.... "what are the 3 things I would grab if this place went up in flames.... 1. My Cat, 2. My Laptop, 3. My Family Photos... Its odd the thoughts we have, so random, but maybe a sign. I gathered books, I know they can't be saved, as they would trap the smell of smoke for an eternity, but I just couldn't leave them behind. I grabbed my trunk, containing some of my more precious memories, pictures, letters and books. I left my couch, my TV stand, all my blankets and area rugs..

It took me 18 months to make that dusty apartment a home, and only a few hours to empty its contents. How sad.

I am happy to say I have my laptop working. I took it apart (being pretty handy) and cleaned the logic board, and all its components with alcohol and cotton swabs. I took apart the exhaust fan, and hand washed it in the sink. Its funny, I was in the process of downloading a few movies to watch, and what popped up saying "download complete" was the movie "Things we lost in the fire". I always ask the universe for signs, but I miss them for some reason. I don't know how to identify them before the trauma...

I am happy that no one was hurt, after all its just stuff... My landlord said the funniest thing to me. He said "I am so sorry, you had such a beautiful apartment, your things were so beautiful, I am so sorry, I feel so bad for you"... I asked him why? Its just stuff, its property, not people....

I've been through bigger losses than a few picture frames, a wool jacket and microwave. I know that the universe has a plan for everything, and everyone. Do I understand it now? God no, I have no idea what this world has in store for me, but I do know I'm safe, I have the most amazing sisters and brother-in-laws, friends, and I am thankful everyday for what I do have.

This isn't a step backwards for me, this is a step forward. A door is never closed without a window being opened. Fire and smoke can't hold me back or down. Life is a lesson, its education, sometimes we learn the hard way.

Until next time, be safe.

Bret =)

Happy Mothers Day

Kind of a mixed day for me. It's been about 8 months since I lost my mom to Cancer, and my Grandmother to Althzimers. I say "mixed" because my oldest sister Shari just had a baby girl 6 months ago. Ksenia. She is an amazing addition to the family, and came to us at a time when we had lost so very much. When she was born I truly understood the saying "God never closes a door without opening a window".

I planned a Mothers day dinner at my parents house tonight, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I made one of her favourite dinners and we sat around and just laughed at the jokes, and bowed our heads in the silence. I bought my mom a mothers day card too, wrote her a letter, sealed it and left it on her nightstand. It's true what they say, you never really know what you have until its gone. I've always had a close and tight relationship with my mom, we all have. We've always been a close family. Two Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months. Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.

I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot, asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. My Dad rarely goes into the room, he sleeps in another room now. I think it must be too hard for him. Me, well some days I sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. My sisters think it might be time to pack up some of her belongings and put them into storage, that it could help our dad become a bit more comfortable in the house. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I don't know if I am ready to lose another part of her.

My Mom and I could always be found working outside, usually in the gardens, or around the pool. We have a large collection of Perennial flowers, and a special collection of Dahlia bulbs. I find now that I have a very difficult time with change. A few weeks ago, my dad had planted something different in one of the gardens, so I dug it up and moved it somewhere else. When he moves furniture or pictures around the house, I find myself moving them back to their natural location, where they have been for 25 years. I don't understand why he moves things around, and he can't understand why I feel so compelled to move them back. I'm not too sure if this is normal or not. The desire for change from one party, and the resistance to change from another. I struggled with this idea with my sister the other night, the only resolution to come of it was that we all heal and cope in different ways. I just continue to follow a path...

So as I finish my glass of wine, I hold it up; for my Mom, and yours. Weather they are neer, or far, if your on speaking terms, or not remember that losing them feels the same, weather your 25, or 52. Tell your mom how much you love her, ever day, don't wait again for next mothers day, because you may not get the chance....

Happy Mothers Day,
Bret xoxo

Meme

Not tagging anyone, do it if you feel like it!

1. What I was doing five years ago:
~Living at home, happy, feeling safe and together....

2. Five things on my to-do list:
~ organize my herb cabinet
~ laundry
~ write and paint
~ get some bath salts
~ find a good fibre source

3. Five favourite smells:
~ nagchampa
~ gasoline (ya kinda scary)
~ geranium
~ a babys head
~ puppy breath

4. Five junk-food items I enjoy:
~ mcdonalds fried
~ chocolate icecream
~ pepperettes
~ salt and vinegar chips
~ freezies

5. Five favourite articles of clothing:
~ my old navy fleece
~ my pinstripe dress pants
~ my sexy blue undies (yeah imagine that)
~ my university "cartier" sweater
~ HATE socks!!

6. Five things I would do if I was a billionaire:
~ open a holistic store/spa
~ build a brand new house
~ open a home for unwed teen mothers AND preach to them threw their whole pregnacy (hahahah you know who you are)
~ 2 words : Punta Cana
~ open up a private school

7. Five of my bad habits:
~ I fall in love in about 8 mins
~ Im always late
~ Im not very self motivating
~ I'm needy, and need constant reassurance
~ Let people in too quickly

8. Five jobs I've had:
~ Marineland
~ Apple/HP Support
~ Purchasing Manager
~ Book keeper / Accounting
~ electrician

9. Five all time favourite movies:
~ Startrek (anything)
~ Anything Zombie
~ I am Legand
~ Girl, Interupted
~ Superbad

10. Five favourite bands/musicians:
~ Ani DiFranco
~ Indigo Girls
~ Jann Arden
~ Dixie Chicks
~ Gwen Steffani

Ode to a Friend

I don't mind if you stay longer

You have not been any trouble

I don't want you

to go home yet

can you stay

just stay ten more minutes

You are my best friend

I don't know how I live

How I love you

every square inch

Love your brown eyes

your forgiveness

Don't go home now

It's past midnight

You can sleep here

we'll have breakfast

You are my greatest gift

I don't know how I live

You are my saving grace

You are my heart my true friend.