Sacred Sunday

I've thought alot today about what this particular Sacred Sunday means to me... Sundays growing up were usually a time of resting after a weeks work, spending time with family and getting together over a Pot Roast. It's that one day of the week where a busy schedule doesn't matter, and everyone makes the time to get together to sit around the kitchen table and chat or play rumoli.

It would have been my moms 59th birthday today if she would have been here with us on this Sacred Sunday. Still, we had dinner, sat around and chatted over thick slices of chocolate cheesecake and sipped endless pots of coffee.

My family bond is whats Sacred to me this Sunday. I still marvel at how we pulled together nearly 2 years ago when we brought our mom home from the hospital. The strength and character of families, parents and children who take care of their loved ones during times of illness inspires me. It's fascinating to see this bond growing in our newest addition to the family. I watch every day as my 10 month old niece bonds with my eldest sister. It's amazing to see the connection develop between mother and child, I believe it to be one of the strongest bonds in the universe, unbreakable even by death.

I watched as a 16 year old young man, my grandfather wheeled himself from a different part of the hospital to the intensive care unit where my grandmother was hooked to a life support unit after having a heart attack. Every morning in spite of cancer, pain and weakened joints he would lift himself into a wheelchair and somehow find his way to my grandmother so they could have breakfast together, as they did every morning for the past 50 years. I realized then, that's what I wanted for myself, that bond, inspired by my grandparents.

I believe its our bond for one another, our love that makes this life worth living. What would we have if these bonds weren't present? I can't imagine being a bird who flies away as soon as my feathers grew in, or a fish who hatches and swims away when his fins are strong enough.

My sister made an offer to me tonight, she flips houses, usually I do all the electrical work for her. She has a project house now, on Lake Erie, in Port Colborne. She's offered me free rent in a finished suite of the house for as long as I like. It would be very convenient as in the coming days I would be spending alot of time there anyways.... Decisions, as you may have already noticed, stress me out - to say the least. I think its the amount of options I am usually presented with. It's like when you go into a new restaurant, and everything on the menu looks delicious. I often feel overwhelmed at the selection, maybe that's normal, I'm not 100% sure.

With the newly introduced Bach Flower Remedies into my life style change I haven't felt as stressed as I normally would. Usually it takes me longer to realize that I should trust the universe and her plans for me. I know that I will be fine, and the universe will provide for me, as it always has. I know there is a lesson here, and I will come to learn, understand and integrate it into my being. In the up and coming days and weeks, I'm sure my direction will become more clear, I trust that it will.

So on this Sunday, I am very happy to have that Sacred Bond with my family, especially my sisters, without their love, support and strength I wouldn't be here.

Happy Birthday Mom,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret =)

Decisions Decisions Decisions

So I find myself in the same shoes as I did nearly 4 months ago when my apartment caught fire and forced me to move back to my childhood home... I remember that week as if it had just passed. Sitting comfortable in my living room on a Thursday evening having tea with my friend Amie chatting about the days events. I spoke with her about my struggles, if I should give up my apartment and move back in with my dad to help him out, and keep better care of the family business since my moms passing. We weighed the pro's and con's and it still didn't help me come to any decision. Now anyone who knows me well enough understands that I do not make decisions, not even easy ones, and if we have plans together, you had better make them, or else we'd just end up bantering back and fourth saying "I don't know, what do you want to do."

A couple of hours later Amie had left and I was sitting alone, well semi alone, Friskey was around, but not very talkative. I opened my book, looking for guidance, advice, herbs, rituals or an incantation that would help me make a decision. I found one, a Spell to make decisions. I gathered herbs, placed my crystals, lit candles and carried on with my spell. Upon completion I was hoping for a vision, a dream, a message, some sort of instant result that I had been used too, but nothing came.

I didn't want to give up my apartment, I really loved it, but I didn't want to let my dad fend for himself, and plus, I would basically be at the house getting the business back in order all day, everyday (none of the books were done after my mom took ill in 2006 - so I had 2 years to catch up on.)

It would be days until my spell finally delivered a decision for me, in the form of an apartment fire. I should have seen it coming too, the universe certainly delivered a number of messages to me that went unnoticed or ignored. The days leading up to the fire Amie and I had discussed my options for Apartment Insurance in case Goddess forbid my house should catch ablaze! I was even downloading the movie "Things we lost in the fire", my sister had recommended it to me. The day after my apartment had burnt down, I plugged my laptop in to check to see if it was still running, and after I had logged into Windows a little pop up message was there saying "Things we lost in the fire is Complete", the movie had finished downloading! I just shook ed my head and laughed. What do you do, other than laugh I mean...

SO, bringing to me to the present... My apartment is ready, or rather will be ready on October 1st, give or take a few weeks. I was presented with the option from my Landlords to either move back in, or not, that it was up to me. I said yes, I will be returning. I am left wondering if I have made the right decisions. Amie asked me tonight if I had "weighed the pro's and con's". What is with this woman and weighing my options! Usually I just jump into something with out looking first! lol I have, I think I have at least. I am jobless as it stands right now, but I could easily find a job, or so I think, I just have to get my resume out there..... If I had a job, I wouldn't second guess it, but then again I would, because I don't know if I would be getting a job in St Catharine's or Niagara Falls, or 40 Min's away in Fort Erie... Fort Erie would be nice, because its close to my family, but I don't want an 80 min commute every day... Chances are I will be working close to the Falls, or St. Catharine's... I just can't seem to make a decision on what should I do, and I don't think I will be casting the Decision spell this time... hahaha

Here are my options:

Move in to my old place in the Fall and hope I find a job.

Keep living at my dads, find a job, then find a NEW place in that city

Move to BC, live in the mountains with monks, do yoga and e-mail everyone once a year

Any ideas??

Winning the Blogging Lottery!

I truly feel as if I won the Blogging Lottery! A big thanks and hug goes out to Bohemian Mom for awarding me the "I love your Blog" award! It is such an honour, especially since she has been my inspiration for blogging! =)


I had to take a few days break from blogging, and reading others, and commenting as my computer has encountered a rather nasty virus! I think I have it cleared out now, I am crossing my fingers! It kept poping up with an "Antivirus2008" message, it looks almost exaclty to the built in program in Windows Vista, so its very confusing!! I hope everyone out there has a good Virus Scanner, I think its going around the Web like a nasty cold! (My friend Julie had the same thing).


So hopefully by the end of the evening I will have gotten caught up with everyones blog, I am excited to see what everyone has been up too! :)


Embrace the journey,
Bret =)

**Update** September 18/08

I also have won this award from SolticeDreamer! So thank you very much! I was very honoured to be included in a list of amazing bloggers with inspiring blogs! I have to admit, I am very touched to receive awards like this, and to know that people out there enjoy my blog and come back to read posts! :)

Thanks again =)
Bret

...organic beats, bach flowers, and peace

First, I would to thank everyone for their kind comments over my last few posts. I saw my homeopathic specialist Friday morning for what I figured would be a quick "wham bang" take these, do this and relax. It wasn't.

After 4 hours of tea, chatting, and laughter she mixed me a bottle of Bach Flower Remedies. She diligently figured out the best 6 (of 38) flower essences which would work for me, and bring about an emotional shift. My bottle contained the essences of Agrimony, Cherry Plum, Holly, Star of Bethlehem, Walnut, and Willow. You can read more about the essences and their properties here at Dr. Bach's Website. I felt a shift very soon after taking them. I feel more calm, more at peace, almost like I've done an hour of yoga and meditation. I feel great actually! :) It's been a long time since I felt refreshed, renewed and on the right track. Its acutally the first time in a long time that I haven't wanted to murder my father! lol

Also she recommended Caprylic Acid, to fight the yeast in my body, and also Probiotics to replenish the good bacteria in my intestinal track. I picked them up at the local health food store, along with some organic groceries. I am starting to "Juice" in the mornings - as per her recommendations. A combination of Beats, Cucumbers, Red Pepper and Celery. It's actually delicious! I felt like I had more energy throughout the day. It's hard for me to eat veggies, so this was a perfect solution. With the left over pulp from the juice I made bran/fiber muffins, it just seemed like a waste to throw out the pulp!

So I am feeling much better! The feelings of depression and hopelessness aren't as strong as they were a mere 3 days ago. I also owe a big thanks to Sacred Suzie and iGoddess. Both are very amazing women, strong and inspiring. Suzie helped me to figure out that I had some very deep rooted emotional issues, mostly involving hate. I never realized how much hate my heart carried around until Suzie told me to take a step back, close my eyes and listen quietly. Dee helped me look at parts of my life, where this hate came from, and helped me to understand that the hate in my heart was taking up too much space, and with all the hate in there, it left very little room for love to enter. She told me to look at what my body is consuming, organics vs processed food, and what I intake is directly related to my feelings.

I realized that I couldn't hang on to this hate anymore, that I had to let it go. It was putting pressure on my heart, I was letting others actions from the past negatively impact my present and future, and for what reason? It's not as if I could change the past, or undo what had been done. I had to realize that everyone is human, and makes mistakes, but those mistakes are not my burden to carry around, so I just let them go. They weren't my problems, I let them go, and let the universe take care of them.

I am going to leave you with one of my altime favourite songs, just released by Miss Alanis Morisette. You can check out the YouTube Link HERE. Its called "Incomplete" and you might have heard it on the radio all ready, if not, have a look at the lyrics, very much an inspiring affirmation for life.

One day I'll find relief

I'll be arrived

And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace

I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat

And I'll know God And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day

One day I'll be secure

Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding Ever expanding

Ever adventurous And torturous

But never done

One day I will speak freely

I'll be less afraid

And be measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day I will be faith-filled

I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line And I have been missing the rapture this whole time

of being forever incomplete

Until next time,

Embrace the Journey,

Bret =)

...lost

I'm just in one of those moods tonight. I am feeling lonely, unloved, and lost. I even went as far to check to see if Mercury was in Retrograde, but its not until Sept 24th. I've realized recently that I do not want to go back to my old apartment. First of all, repairs are taking way too long, and I do believe I was "ejected" out of there for a reason, and shouldn't be going back. I just don't think its part of my journey to return. I have to admit my sisters were right. I am in the process of looking for a stable, well paying job, which would dictate where I should be living anyways. Ideally I would like a job closer to the Fort Erie area, its a great community, and only minuets from my Family. I would love to have a lofty type apartment on Ridge Road, the main road in Ridgeway. Its an up and coming area, with its quaint shops, and home style restaurants; it feels young, fresh, trendy and full of history.

I need to update my resume with my latest work information and start getting it out there. I am truly discouraged by the interview process. Quite frankly it scares the hell out of me! There is nothing like being sat down, and judged on the things you speak. Its almost like public speaking, I do not envy the kids returning to school, I still have nightmares about doing speeches in front of my classmates.

Speaking of dreams and nightmares, I haven't been able to recall any of them recently. I think its been a month since I can last remember a dream, which is very unusual for me. I feel very unbalanced and off centre lately. I think its a combination of being out of my space, seeing my belongings in bins and boxes, not being able to continue with my yoga and meditation practices. I need a new home, fast!

For years I have heard about "Bach Flower Remedies". Basically they are a selection of 38 flower essences (such as Crab Apple, Vine, and Willow) that work to correct emotional imbalances. For example...

Star of Bethlehem
"For those in great distress under conditions which for a time produce great unhappiness. The shock of serious news, the loss of someone dear, the fright following an accident, and such like. For those who for a time refuse to be consoled, this remedy brings comfort." - Dr. Edward Bach

I have a friend of mine that works with the remedies, and I am hoping to meet with her Friday morning for a consultation, you can add up to 7 of the flower essences into a treatment bottle. I think I need all 38! hahaha You can check out all 38 essences HERE.

It's truly days like this that I thank the Stars that I have an emergency Cheese Cake in the freezer! I've actually reduced myself to tears this evening. If it wasn't anatomically impossible I'd think I was about to start my period! hahaha Yes, we guys get PMS too... lol Maybe that explains the bloating!

Anywho, I am going to Post this and pick up a paint brush and see what I am inspired to create.

Until next time, embrace the Journey.

Bret =)

Home Sweet Home

I am back home from an amazing journey which I am sad to have to leave, but glad to be back in amongst my things and family.

I am looking forward to catching up on everyones blog! Until then, keep safe! ;)

Bret =)

...Gone Fishing (so to speak)

I am on Vacation!

Yup, just like the sign says... Gone Fishing! Well, no, no fish will be harmed in the posting of this blog! I will be gone from Sunday August 24th, to the 29th. So no Posts until I return, unless somehow, somewhere I can grab an Internet Signal Wirelessly somewhere!

Can't wait until I get back online to read all the blog updates from everyone, and respond to a few e-mails I have in my inbox too ;)

Until then, Have a GREAT week everyone!!

Embracy the Journey,

Bret =)

Sacred Life Sunday

Today is Sunday, and time for my Sacred Life post. This is actually my first post for the Sacred Life Series which was started in Zena Musings blog. Being my first post, I was trying to think of all the things in my life which are sacred. I had a basic understanding of what it meant to be "sacred" but I still wasn't 100% clear, so I started by doing a little research. Here is what I've learned.

Sacred. It is a very interesting concept. What do I hold as sacred? In some countries cows are sacred. In other countries water is sacred. Some peoples even hold the song of the land to be sacred. Sacred implies a value beyond measure. The dictionary says that a sacred thing is consecrated, devoted, set apart or dedicated to religious use, entitled to veneration or worship, something that is not to be violated or breached. It becomes more interesting if we compare this to the word sacrosanct, which describes something that is inviolable, protected by sacred or quasi-sacred rules, is something so valuable that it is, in effect, untouchable.

What is it that can produce this sense of value? Nothing concrete. Concrete things have concrete value. The most valuable of things are those things that are abstract, those things upon which a price cannot be realistically placed in an objective fashion (although the current consumer economy has led some people to try). Abstract things have a value that is equal to that which people are willing to pay for it. Van Gogh's paintings do not sell for six figure sums because that is the value of the materials, they sell for six figure sums because that is the money with which people have to part in order to ensure possession.

So what is the abstract thing upon which we can place no sum? What is there that we cannot buy? For that thing that is so valuable we term it sacred there is no sum, no concrete price that we can pay. These things are abstract qualities that cannot be manufactured, nor bought, nor produced by genetic modification. These are things that touch something within people in a way that is profound.

Sacred does not necessarily mean inviolate. Remember that there is a difference between sacred and sacrosanct. This, I think, is the major difference between non-experiential religions and the various forms of paganism.

What is sacred? Sacred is a connection with the universe. It is love, it is friends, it is family. It is all those things that cannot be bought - it is life itself. It is our expression of life, it is the price that cannot be paid by anything other than surrender of the spirit to the experience. If that price cannot or will not be paid, then a thing is not sacred, for sacred is, above all, a personal thing. It is experiential. One cannot hold a thing to be sacred unless one is at least drawn to make that surrender of the spirit.

My paintings are sacred to me. They have no price, they are an expression of my soul, they ground, centre and balance me, and get my creative juices flowing. Usually I paint for myself, I end up storing them in the basement afterwards, or stick them in the closet, sometimes I even throw them out. It's not because I think they are horrid looking (I never said I painted well - just that I painted haha), or because they don't have value for me, its just that the pigment on the brush, and the brush in my hands was more of a healing experience. I wish I could have an original idea and paint something fresh, and new, and gift it to someone who would in turn find it inspiring. Most of my idea's come from my photography. I paint alot of what I photograph, flowers, scenes, people. It doesn't feel original to me tho, even tho its my photograph it feels as if I am copying someone else's work. Sometimes I think I have an fresh idea, paint it, and then realize that I had saw something similar online, and I didn't create it, I just remembered it! hahaha I don't want to offend anyone with my idea stealing, copyright infringing eyes! LOL What I would really like to do is create a wonderful affirmation, created specifically for a friend and paint.


Enjoy and Embrace the Journey,
Bret

Baby Quilts

Thanks to a jolt of inspiration from my friend Amie, I decided to dust off my sewing machine (and sewing skills) and make a couple of baby blankets for my Niece.

Our journey started at Fabricland in Niagara Falls, where we purchased yards of fabric, batting, thread and ribbon. I'm not a seamstress, I haven't created too many things in the past, mainly just did hems, drapes, things that aren't overly creative, so this was a jump for me, especially since I haven't sewen in years.


This is what I started out with...

The Strawberry Shortcake blanket, was my first attempt, and never making a blanket before, I had to buy a silk blanket binding cover to hid my stitching! My second blanket tho, I had an idea, and a plan. I figured it would be easier to wrap my cover blanket under to meet up with the striped fabric and do a cool stitch there to blend the two fabrics, which worked SO much better!! I'm acutally thinking about cutting it apart, and redoing the stitching and binding so it looks more like the stripes blanket. Personally I hate the use of the silk binding!

Here are the end results...

I have a feeling that my sister will most likely be using the blue/green stripes more. She secretly hates pink hahaha. Well maybe not secretly... I think all baby girls should have a pink blanket, it saves us from those awkward moments when shes wearing her froggy sweater and people say, oh "he's" so cute! hahaha

Anywho, I am off to babysit now!

Later ;) Bret

... one year

It's been 4 seasons, 12 months, 365 days since I lost my mom to Cancer... One year... I don't understand where the time has gone. It seems as if I was sitting at this very kitchen table just yesterday when she passed. I feel the same; the pressure on my chest, the empty feeling in my stomach, it hasn't changed in a year. Life however certainly has. I've quickly realized that my mom was the "glue" in our family. She was the matriarch, the protector, the encourager and the life force that kept this house a home. It feels very much just a house now, the feeling of home left when she did, it's now just a place to rest a tired body, and feed a hungry mouth.


Last week my sisters and I cleaned out her bedroom. It was an emotional experience. We emptied shelves of medical supplies, cleaned up linens and dusted. The three of us stood in front of her closet door, feeling almost haunted by her possessions. We reached for the handle to the door, and all decided that we just couldn't do it. I don't know if we'll ever be able to clean out her closet.

We finished dinner. We cooked some of her favourite foods, pork chops in a mushroom sauce on a bed of rice, cheesy macaroni, Cesar salad and bread pudding. We didn't discuss anything during, just enjoyed the food. We were going to have a bonfire tonight, out at my moms old fire pit, then head back to my sisters to watch the meteor shower from the pool over top of the lake, but it seems that the weather has a different set of plans for us.

I feel as if I'm dreaming. Things feel 'surreal' today. Am I really here? Is this really the turn of events of life for the past year? I have a hard time really accepting and understanding that my mom is gone, some days I even pick up the phone and start to call her. Some days I sit at the kitchen table and watch TV, keeping an ear open, listening to her quietly call my name in distress. No one answers the phone tho, and she doesn't call out to me any longer. Reality is cruel. I am told this is normal, natural, and a part of the progression of life. I should start to accept it. I have no other choice...

I keep plugging on, day after day, doing things to emotionally get me by. I keep my hands busy. Blogging, crocheting, weeding, cleaning and cooking. It helps to take my mind off things for a while. I know she is still here and with us, even if its hard to feel her presence some days.

I try to be strong and not to cry for her anymore, I know it must make her feel terribly sad and guilty that she had to leave us. I don't stand at her grave and weep, I know she isn't there. I know that she is everywhere I go. I'll see her on one of the shooting stars tonight during the meteor shower. I'll feel her spirit in the warm fall winds as they grace my skin as I'm working in her gardens. I'll see her smile whenever the baby Ksenia's face lights up with laughter when we walk in the room. When I'm in trouble I'll close my eyes and listen for her small voice. I have so many questions to ask her, so many areas of my life that I need her guidance for.

So again, as I sit here with my glass of wine, I will raise it to my mom and yours, weather they are near or far, with you or passed on, don't wait to tell them how much you love them. That motto applies for everyone, friends, family and partners. Tell them how you feel today, you may not have a tomorrow...

I miss you mom, I know you were called away on another journey, but one day our paths will meet again. Until then, I will continue to do my best to make you proud and carry on your traditions and memories. I love you mom, always.

Love Bret