Kind of a mixed day for me. It's been about 8 months since I lost my mom to Cancer, and my Grandmother to Althzimers. I say "mixed" because my oldest sister Shari just had a baby girl 6 months ago. Ksenia. She is an amazing addition to the family, and came to us at a time when we had lost so very much. When she was born I truly understood the saying "God never closes a door without opening a window".
I planned a Mothers day dinner at my parents house tonight, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I made one of her favourite dinners and we sat around and just laughed at the jokes, and bowed our heads in the silence. I bought my mom a mothers day card too, wrote her a letter, sealed it and left it on her nightstand. It's true what they say, you never really know what you have until its gone. I've always had a close and tight relationship with my mom, we all have. We've always been a close family. Two Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months. Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.
I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot, asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. My Dad rarely goes into the room, he sleeps in another room now. I think it must be too hard for him. Me, well some days I sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. My sisters think it might be time to pack up some of her belongings and put them into storage, that it could help our dad become a bit more comfortable in the house. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I don't know if I am ready to lose another part of her.
My Mom and I could always be found working outside, usually in the gardens, or around the pool. We have a large collection of Perennial flowers, and a special collection of Dahlia bulbs. I find now that I have a very difficult time with change. A few weeks ago, my dad had planted something different in one of the gardens, so I dug it up and moved it somewhere else. When he moves furniture or pictures around the house, I find myself moving them back to their natural location, where they have been for 25 years. I don't understand why he moves things around, and he can't understand why I feel so compelled to move them back. I'm not too sure if this is normal or not. The desire for change from one party, and the resistance to change from another. I struggled with this idea with my sister the other night, the only resolution to come of it was that we all heal and cope in different ways. I just continue to follow a path...
So as I finish my glass of wine, I hold it up; for my Mom, and yours. Weather they are neer, or far, if your on speaking terms, or not remember that losing them feels the same, weather your 25, or 52. Tell your mom how much you love her, ever day, don't wait again for next mothers day, because you may not get the chance....
Happy Mothers Day,
Bret xoxo
