Kind of a mixed day for me. It's been about 8 months since I lost my mom to Cancer, and my Grandmother to Althzimers. I say "mixed" because my oldest sister Shari just had a baby girl 6 months ago. Ksenia. She is an amazing addition to the family, and came to us at a time when we had lost so very much. When she was born I truly understood the saying "God never closes a door without opening a window".
I planned a Mothers day dinner at my parents house tonight, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I made one of her favourite dinners and we sat around and just laughed at the jokes, and bowed our heads in the silence. I bought my mom a mothers day card too, wrote her a letter, sealed it and left it on her nightstand. It's true what they say, you never really know what you have until its gone. I've always had a close and tight relationship with my mom, we all have. We've always been a close family. Two Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months. Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.
I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot, asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. My Dad rarely goes into the room, he sleeps in another room now. I think it must be too hard for him. Me, well some days I sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. My sisters think it might be time to pack up some of her belongings and put them into storage, that it could help our dad become a bit more comfortable in the house. I am not sure if I am ready for that. I don't know if I am ready to lose another part of her.
My Mom and I could always be found working outside, usually in the gardens, or around the pool. We have a large collection of Perennial flowers, and a special collection of Dahlia bulbs. I find now that I have a very difficult time with change. A few weeks ago, my dad had planted something different in one of the gardens, so I dug it up and moved it somewhere else. When he moves furniture or pictures around the house, I find myself moving them back to their natural location, where they have been for 25 years. I don't understand why he moves things around, and he can't understand why I feel so compelled to move them back. I'm not too sure if this is normal or not. The desire for change from one party, and the resistance to change from another. I struggled with this idea with my sister the other night, the only resolution to come of it was that we all heal and cope in different ways. I just continue to follow a path...
So as I finish my glass of wine, I hold it up; for my Mom, and yours. Weather they are neer, or far, if your on speaking terms, or not remember that losing them feels the same, weather your 25, or 52. Tell your mom how much you love her, ever day, don't wait again for next mothers day, because you may not get the chance....
Happy Mothers Day,
Bret xoxo
5 comments:
What a beautiful and heartfelt tribute to your mom.
I think she'd be very proud of the way you carry your memories of her, and I completely believe she is supporting you and guiding you.
Your words have cracked my heart open a bit. Having lost both my parents. believe me when I say there is no "timeframe" for grief. You and your family will know when it's time to let go of her material possessions. Until that time, enjoy sitting with her memory, surrounding by her things and her scent.... but remember even when the tangible items fall away, she'll still be with you.
Powerful and candid writing.
xo
I definitely think you moving the new plants your dad planted and putting back the furniture he moved is your way of still holding on to your memories....the grief is still fresh and you're not ready for that change yet. That's ok...you will be ready one day whether it's days, weeks, months or years. Everyone deals with it in different time frames. I can't imagine how hard yesterday was for you...but I hope you were able to find some comfort in her favourite dinner with your family and with your neice. Hugs.....
Bret ~ Came across your blog via bohemian mom. It is so true; you will all grieve and move forward in different ways, different time tables. Your post was so loving, sincere, and such a wonderful tribute to not only your mother but your entire family. Thank you for exposing your heart.
Alexandra
Great post, bebeh. And cheers. (Although I can't exactly have a glass of wine to cheer with you..!) Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the whole matter. It's very personal to you, but it also makes readers think of their own moms and it's a great tribute to moms everywhere.
In just under 3 more months, I am about to experience what it really means to be a mom, and I think I will then gain a whole new appreciation for my own mother (not that I don't appreciate her now!).
Although I can't speak from experience, I am sure that in time, it will get easier for you. And that time is different for everyone. You're right, people deal with things in different ways, and that's ok. It's great that you remember your mom the way you do.
xo
I just came across your blog, entirly by accident threw anothers blog. Your words regarding your mom put me to tears. I too lost my mom 4 years ago, and brought her home from the hospital to take care of her in her final months. I remember all the struggles, the lack of nursing, not sleeping because you are afraid to leave her alone and the memories that linger once they are gone. No one can pick your time to move on, and you may never "move on" but I do promise as the months and years progress each birthday, christmas and yes, mothers day, will get a little easier. Until then, keep moving things back to normal, resist the change as much as you like, and always keep her close in memory, and close to your heart. We all know that friends come and go, but moms are forever, and she will live forever in you and your families hearts.
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