Saturday, November 29, 2008

...finding my muse

She was hiding behind the couch all along!

My muse has never been too far from me, always a constant source of inspirations weather I am baking, writing, painting or crocheting. I've found lately shes been rather absent, not from her own doing of course, more from my own inability to connect with her. I've found it rather hard to feel her light this past month which is most likely due to the busyness of my life and constant flow of moving boxes and job interviews, however after the other nights cleanse with the new moon, lead by the always inspiring Sacred Suzie I was able to hear her gentle words again.

I still feel sorta stuck tho, does anyone else know what I mean? Even with blogging, things are very quiet in the community. Are some of us just feeling "outta sorts"? I decided to book an appointment with my holistic therapist to reassess the composition of Bach flowers I am working with and to just get a good check up, see if there were any blockages. We did a life assessment, going a little deeper in to my past, childhood, and current emotional state. It will be a few days before I meet with her again, it allows her some time to go over my details and find the right remedy for me.


I've always done a great job of being able to cleanse my space, but often neglect cleansing myself. Being someone who is empathic, clairvoyant and psychic its really important to properly ground and cleanse myself regularly. I've talked to Suzie about this a few times too, we tend to pick up and hold on to so much in the course of a day, and not all pleasant thoughts or emotions either. I've often held on to others negative baggage for alot longer than I should have. I cleanse myself like I cleanse my space. I light clearing incense and envision my body being taken over by a brilliant white cleansing light which originates in my chest. Slowly I let the ball grow and grow to push out and cleanse all the negativity from my body. I allow it to expand outside my body and sit in that light. I envision a cord from my back, or roots from my feet digging deep deep down into the Earth allowing me to ground, dump excessive negative vibrations and recharge. I smudge myself too, usually with sweet grass, I find that sage gives me nightmares - everyone is different tho. I love to meditate, sitting a white candle on my alter, its my time to recharge.


All these are good after you have encountered a source of negativity, but what can we do to protect ourselves in the moment? Lets face it, we all know someone, friend or family that is overly negative. Sometimes its hard to do whats best for us and dismiss that toxic friend, or limit contact with an overbearing family member so instead I 'put my up shields'. I simply envision a energy barrier between myself and the negativity. I can imagine the negative vibes bouncing off the shield and away from me. Nothing gets through that shield, its like my magick mirror. Give it a try next time someone is outwardly attacking you verbally. Put up your shield, and watch how quickly they give up and walk away, this is great if you work with the public in some sort of Customer Service atmosphere.



AH! Fresh Ideas - my Muse has whispered! I am grabbing my paint brushes, watercolours and a blank canvas!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!
Brightest Blessings, Embrace the Journey.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

...life as I see it

Has everyone taken a second today and realized that we are 1 month away from Christmas? I'm not entirely sure where the past few months have gone too. Where are they?? I want them back!!

My mom was always very big on Christmas, she always decorated the house from top to bottom with garland, ceramic villages, colourfull glass balls, red bows, snowmen and anything else Christmas she could get her hands on. Since my moms has passing last year I've been living on my own, I haven't really had the "Christmas Spirit"... I haven't decorated my apartment at all. Two nights ago I dreamt that she came to tell me to get my ass in gear and at least put up a Christmas tree, I half remember arguing back and fourth with her but ultimately she won, which is evident by the decorated tree now standing in my living room. She must have been to my friend Amie's that night too, because In the morning she messaged me to say "Hey, do you need a Christmas Tree, I have an extra one here..." Geeze, imagine that! Thanks Mom! LOL

My sister came over and helped me adjust the base and fluff the branches, string the lights and place the star at the top of the tree. Although its a simple process to assemble and decorate a tree it was nice to have my sisters here since my mom can't be. After all this is the first time I've put up a Christmas Tree... Thanks Amie! :)

Amie herself is a special woman. She has an amazing blog which you can check out at http://soapboxandotherstuff.blogspot.com/ Her blog is ever changing and ever evolving, much like Amie herself. We've been friends for nearly 10 years now and I've been witness to her evolution. Amie is a wonderful mother of two (plus one on the way), a loving wife, a beautiful daughter and an amazing best friend! (And not just because of the free Christmas Tree hahaha)

As a Gay Man who eventually wants to settle down and have a few Children of my own, Amie holds a special place in my heart. She is an angel in disguise to those who can't carry their own Children - Amie is a surrogate. It really takes a special person to carry someone else's child, which Amie has done twice now, first a set of beautiful twins (delivered by C-section) and second a beautiful boy (delivered naturally - 10 lbs - naturally lol). You can check out her birth stories HERE. I am truly happy that she and the love of her life are now able to have a baby of their own! I can't wait for the upcoming winter nights - Amie comes over and we crochet a storm of blankets, booties and baby hats! Amie is also a brilliant seamstress and will be doing her part for the environment by sewing and using mainly cloth diapers! How smart!! I love getting back to the basics! So look forward to some crafty ideas on our blogs in the up and coming weeks! :)


This is how an e-mail will eventually look:
Dear Amie,
Remember how you let me borrow that Christmas tree a
while back? Well its great, but I'm wondering this Christmas season if you could
let me borrow your uterus for about 9-10 months...


Thanks,
Bret

Hopefully by the time I'm ready shes not 34 with a womb full of dusty ovaries!


Thankfully I live in Canada and not California and will be able to get married when my time is right. I still can't believe that this Proposition 8 BS passed. What is wrong with people? If you want to save the sanctity of marriage than ban Divorce, not Gay Marriage... I don't understand why people can't stay out of their neighbours bedrooms, sex lives, ovaries, and wombs. You'd think the Government in the US has more pressing concerns to deal with right now with the economic crisis then if two lesbians want to get married and renovate a house together... It just makes me sad, however I am not a politician and know that President-elect Barack Obama will have some amazing changes in store for the American People.


Any who, it is now time to start my day! :)
Hope everyone is keeping well!
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

Saturday, November 22, 2008

...feeling like homo, OH I mean home!

I've been putting off bringing my cat home to my apartment for about a month now. I wanted to have some things in place before I reintroduced him to our space - for example a few good scratching posts so he doesn't tear the hell out of my couch. On the stove I warmed some grapeseed oil and a few hand fulls of catnip over a double boiler. I let it warm over night, strained it this morning and bottled the oil after applying a few drops to the scratching posts. I am trying to make them really attractive for Friskey. He hasn't scratched the post or couch yet (that I've caught him doing) for now he seems content to sit in the sunny windows and watch the children play in the snow down below.

When I discovered my apartment was on fire I bolted past a few firemen, ran upstairs and tried to gain entry past my door to save him. Of course my efforts were thwarted by the firemen at the top of the stairs... I was willing to risk it to save him, after all I would just be returning the favour - he's always been there for me when I needed him. I never realized how attached I could be to a cat. Originally I had only adopted him because I felt bad about drinking alone... I didn't want to feel like I had a problem - and getting a cat was the perfect solution! LOL



This past week I had a lunch date with one of my favourite bloggers Bohemian Mom. We went to a little local restaurant - The Blue Star - it's been around since before Christ was born, my grandparents used to meet there for lunch before they were married. The Blue Star has two dining options 1. the fancy new dining room, and 2. the original 50's style dining room. We chose the original dining room because we knew we were going to be loud and obnoxious and didn't want to disturb anyone else. However the seats in this dining room were built for Kate Moss and we just didn't fit as well as we would have liked too... As much as I like boho I don't want to sit on her lap until I've had a few drinks. We switched to the other dining room....

Boho gave me an AMAZING house warming gift too! A hand carved, Indonesian statue of Buddha. I was thinking I could place him on my alter but ultimately chose my fireplace mantle. It looks great!! Thanks Boho I love it!! :)






What I am reading...

Boho also gave me this amazing book; "Why Gay Guys Are a Girl's Best Friend" written by Karen Rauch & Jeff Fessler. It's hilarious! Have a look at one of the random pages...


On the left it reads "Gay guys regularly join you at the gym to keep your bodies trim and fit" and on the right it reads" Straight guys religiously go to the gym to watch the woman's boobs jiggle on the StairMaster."

Funny AND true! (However I haven't seen a StairMaster since 1906).

Well it is officially the weekend and I am hoping for some warmer weather but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen, so I am going to embrace the snow, make a few cups of Rice Milk Hot Chocolate and read a good book in front of the fireplace.

Enjoy your weekend
Embrace your journey!
Bret xoxo

PS. Don't tell the Cat, but he's getting bathed today! ;)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Kicking Up My Feet

It is growing darker out side as the position of the Sun sinks slowly into the river. The pale grey skies and crisp Autumn air mark the transition from what was an amazingly warm day to what will prove to be a cold and frigid night.

I've kicked my feet up on my coffee table after a long day of puttering around and cleaning my apartment. This morning I filled my bucket with hot water and soap, and got on my hands and knees to wash the kitchen, bathroom and living room floors. I don't own a mop, thanks to my Grandmother, I could hear her voice in my head; "What, well what the hell is that? A Mop? Well what the hell do you use it for? Washing the floors? Haven't ya ever heard of a dish rag and a bucket of hot water and soap? Let me see it, give it here... My goodness, this God Damn thing wouldn't clean shit of a horses ass. God dammit." Yup, that's my Grandmother - so needless to say I'm actually terrified to get a mop, the woman would roll over in her grave, or haunt me or something. Did I ever tell you about the time my Grandmother (in her younger years of living on a farm) tried to mount a horse? She led the horse to a fence, climbed the fence, jumped on the horse, and as she struggled with her dress (women weren't allowed to wear pants in those days) she fell over and landed in a big pile of horse and cow manure. She wore pants after that.

Its been nearly two months now and I will be honest and admit I am not fully moved in yet. There are still minor touches yet to be done; lights over top of my artwork, window sills dusted, and I haven't gotten around to sewing up my window coverings and shower curtain. Some days I wonder if the finishing touches will ever be complete, but I know its only a matter of time...

I've almost finished decorating my living room. I am happy sitting here watching a movie, reading or blogging. I'm still looking for a fern or two to hang in front of the windows, a new ceiling light and a lamp for the back corner of the room by my desk. No one would ever know 4 months ago this room was covered in a thick oily, smoky residue from my apartment fire. (Check out the before pictures HERE)

Here is a quick picture of my living room that I took this afternoon:


The kitchen is coming along nicely - well certainly alot nicer than the charred remains of the last kitchen. I took these too this afternoon:



























I am very happy with the way things turned out. I actually like my apartment better than before the fire. My kitchen is totally brand new. My oven is full sized now and I have no problem fitting in a few dozen cookies at a time ;)

Earlier this afternoon I realized it was time to clean out my fridge. I had odd vegetables here and there, some never used, some left over from previous meals or my morning juicing - so I decided to make a big pot of soup! I love soup especially "kitchen sink" soup where all my ready to spoil veggies go.

The recipe is easy. I started with a few tablespoons of butter in my soup pot, along with some bacon and onions chopped up. Once those were cooked, and starting to brown I added 1/4 cup of flour and mixed it really well and let the flour cook for a few minuets. I jacked up the heat and whisked in 8 cups of chicken broth (the best tasting brand I've found comes from the Dollar Store believe it or not!) Once that heated I added the rest of my milk, about 3 cups (it was about to spoil - I rarely drink cows milk and usually have just a little here for when friends stop by for tea - I'm a big fan of rice milk). Once all that was nice and hot I added cubed potatoes, sliced carrots, celery, tomato, and broccoli. No specific amounts, just what I had in the fridge. You really can't mess this recipe up.

The soup has been simmering on the stove for a few hours now, and its ready to eat anytime. The nice thing about soup is that it keeps in the fridge well, and freezes even better! I save my old yogurt containers and fill them with soup, label them, and freeze them.

I have a couple of friends coming to visit tonight so I better jet and get prepared!
Have a Wonderful Weekend!
Embrace your Journey.
Bret

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Difficulties with Soul Coaching


So, I am going to admit it. I am having problems with Soul Coaching. I wrote last night that I was having some difficulties keeping up, and received some feedback that others were too. I almost feel that my blog has lost its focus, it doesn't feel like me anymore. I've overloaded it with Soul Coaching - and although its been an amazing course and I recommend it to everyone - its just completely shifted my blogging focus. I barely have time to blog, and I am rarely able to read in depth my friends blogs and make comments with substance; and that doesn't feel right.

So here is what I've decided to do. I've taken all my Air Week posts and copied them all into one post. Its alot to read. I am going to post at the end of each elemental week - one post recapping my journey through the week - I've deleted my Water Week posts so far and transferred them back into my journal.

I give ALOT of credit to anyone who is able to keep up with the course, blog posts and process journal however it just isn't for me.

So back to life for me, AND the dirty dishes in the sink!
Embrace the Journey
Bret

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Soul Coaching - Air Week

It has been an amazing four days of Soul Coaching, and I am thankful that I can now upload my previous four days of this journey now that I have an Internet connection. I have been doing my readings, workings and journaling in the mornings, during my glass of freshly blended vegetable juice! It's a fab way to kick off the day. In the evening I will be posting my writings. :)

I have found that the affirmations thus far have been wonderfully inspiring, and I find myself leaving them on little "post it" notes around my home to remind me. I also leave notes to breathe, relax, do my yoga and centre myself. I feel connected!

I had originally split my 4 days into 4 different posts, but I've decided to combine it all together for less clicking, and less reading! I know we are all busy right now. so here we go.







Soul Coaching - Nov 1 - Day 1 - Life Assessment

Its easy to see where I am in life right now, I'm at the beginning. I've just moved into my gorgeous apartment, which truly feels sacred and like home to me. I'm mostly finished painting, and decorating, and am happy when I turn the key to open the front door. I am in the process of finding a new job, not something that feeds my soul yet, just something to pay the bills for now. My job and career is the major focus area, however I am lacking a plan...


In the next 28 days I intend to find that plan, to write it out, and take the necessary steps to complete it, my authentic self is in reach.

I have assessed my steps and leaps and realized that I do have a few big leaps, but nothing a little motivation shouldn't take care of. Mainly my biggest leaps concern my job, which is understandable, because my job is non existent right now! lol

I have spent the day remembering to breath deeply, its really helped me to open up and bring realizations about the past to the surface.





Soul Coaching - Nov 2 - Day 2 - Making a Commitment to Change Your Life.

I've always had a hard time committing to take action. I can see and form a plan, but have great troubles executing it. This will be a big struggle for me, but I know that even if I have set backs and are unable to fulfill commitments one day, tomorrow is always a fresh start.

Commitments that I have been putting off, that I want to make to myself, and commit to do each day are: Juicing, Meditation, Yoga, Breathing, and Being Conscious of my Food and Drink Intake.

Organizing my values in life was really difficult, I wanted each value on page 39 to be #1, or at least very close to it. Although I couldn't put them in order just yet, I have narrowed down my top 5 values that coincide with me: Love, Security, Connection to Family, Creativity, Peace. It will be interesting to see if and how these values change in the next 26 days.

I've made a list of things that I have been putting off, a rather long list now that I look at it. I picked something rather easy to do, something I was comfortable doing but was putting off, for whatever reasons I'm not too sure.... lol I called Bell Canada to have my Internet Service installed. It doesn't seem like much, but for some reason I just cant get the motivation to do some of these things. After I got off the phone the feeling of accomplishment felt great, so I tackled something else on my list too, I updated my resume, all three versions. (I have different versions depending on what kind of job I am applying for; Business Management, Customer Service, or Medical.) I felt pretty good after finishing my updates, it will make the job application process so much easier. I think I dislike change!

I am aware of the air around me, the way it graces my skin, the cool breeze that spins around me, but also the warm sun that still shines through the clouds on occasion. I breath deeply in this cool crisp air, I feel alive.

Soul Coaching - Nov 3 - Day 3 - Clearing Clutter in Your Bedroom/Bathroom.

Wow, this was a nice and easy day for me. After moving back in to my apartment after the fire things are already cleansed! My bathroom is a clean slate right now, nothing in the drawers or cabinets except for some shampoo and deodorant! My bedroom is a virtually blank too. I have my bed, my empty closet and empty dresser (I haven't moved my clothes in yet) my alter and a few nicknack's, pictures and vases. In fact my whole apartment is in this stage, as if Level 3 had already been completed for me!

Instead of having to worry about the clutter clearing I am focusing on breathing. Breathing in self acceptance, and breathing out self judgement. This was the main focus of my yoga practice this morning.

Soul Coaching - Nov 4 - Day 4 - Where Are You Now in Your Life?

Today's coaching fits in so well with what I have been recently trying to achieve in my life. Changing my dis empowering words and thoughts about myself (an others) to more empowering words. The law of attraction, changing your words really does change your life.

Today's lessons have been my favourite so far. I've really learned to take the seemingly negative and make it a positive. In accordance with this, I've realized that I am not fat, I am well insulated and ready for cold winter weather. lol

The Journey thus far has been amazing. The week of Air has really opened up alot for me and helped me clear out "junk". I am excited to start my week of Water. Here are my writings from the last few days.

Soul Coaching - Nov 5 - Day 5

As I walked through my home trying to understand the first level of today's workings I picked up various objects and quickly understood what Denise Linn is talking about. I my kitchen I have a set of three crystal canisters which hold my tea, sugar and flour. They are very special to me as they belonged to my Grandmother and one of my earliest memories is getting cups of sugar and flower from the canisters while helping her bake. I walked around my apartment looking at other objects. I came across a gift that I had bought my ex (then current) boyfriend. After the house fire I could have easily chosen to junk this piece of history, but I chose to save it, and reclaim as my own, I like it. I understand the value of her lesson, and how some objects can either raise or lower your energy but I'm sure as hell not going to throw out something I like just because it reminds me of an old fight here or there. If that were the case - everything I owned would be in the trash!

I completed the next two levels with ease. Since the air week has been about clearing and cleansing your space, I've had an easy time - honestly set your house on fire, it REALLY helps with the cleansing process!! lol


Soul Coaching - Nov 6 - Day 6

"I am safe and centered no matter where I am"

Mmmmmm, I just love this affirmation. I am someone who enjoys to feel safe and secure no matter where I am. As today's first level coincided with one of my commitments from a few days past the 15 minuets of quietness and emptiness were already on my to-do list. I don't really keep a schedule of my life. I do admit that I struggle with time management - sometimes I am really late, or really early. I've never thought to schedule joy or relaxation but it seems to be a wise notion. There is one thing that I think I could delegate from my schedule... Cleaning!! I think its time to get a housekeeper! lol

I cleaned out the files on my computer today. Got rid of old files, put pictures in the right folders and organized things on my digital desktop. I ran a virus scan, and backed up all my important files and photos and feel really good about it, its been something I had been putting off for a while.

Soul Coaching - Nov 7 - Day 7

I usually do my best to ask and watch for signs as I did today. While driving to the grocery store I hit every red light on my Journey. I love red lights because they are my reminder to slow down, stop, and take a deep breath. I've been asking myself all day "Why am I here"? The answers I usually hear are "To live, love and learn". I second guessed this for a while, wondering if that was a 'good enough' reason to be here... I guess its as good a reason as anything else would be. I'm not here to cure cancer, or to lead a country, just to be me, and after all, who I am is enough.

________________________________________


In General I wonder how everyone is doing with the Soul Coaching course? What are your true feelings? Personally I feel that the course is flying by. I barely have time to integrate the lessons into my being. I've found there are certain things I've breezed through, and other things I would have liked to spend a couple days on. I think after we've all finished I will give the book another look through, maybe spend 2 or 3 days on some of the affirmations and levels, really think about things, and really dive deeper into my soul. I've found that November has been unusually busy for me, perhaps that's part of the problem, along with no Internet - I just feel I am rushing through the lessons to keep up each day rather than really absorbing them well...

Hope everyone is doing well, I am glad I got a chance to catch up on every ones blog today! :)

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

Friday, October 31, 2008

My Little Vampire

Its finished!

For my niece Ksenia's first Halloween costume I was asked to sew a vampires cape. Normally first time mothers usually dress their children up in cute cuddly costumes like bears, and tigers, and frogs, but not my sister, she's down with the jazz of Halloween! She was meant to be a vampire for Halloween too; she has 2 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth, her hair makes this cute curl Right in the centre of her forehead, and when shes playing or wants something she makes this really Erie zombie "roar" where she sucks air into the back of her throat, it actually sounds like shes choking. The first time she did that to me I was actually a little afraid... lol

The costume is made of black and red silks back to back, with a cardboard stuffed collar so it pops up around her neck. I've also made here a little bat with button eyes, which hangs from a satin string, and silk wrist cuff with Velcro fasteners. Shes already gotten a hold of the bat a few times and loves to play with it!

I am trying to convince my breast feeding sister to wear a white shirt ripped and covered in blood in all the 'right places' *wink wink*, so it looks like while feeding, the baby has attacked her! I don't think she will do it tho, not all of our family and friends have a sick sense of humour like me! lol

I can't wait to see it on her!
I hope she shares her candy with Uncle Bretty
However, since its now 1:31am and I am finally all finished I am off to bed!


Enjoy your Halloween! :)

Bret

Friday, October 24, 2008

TAGGED!! I've Been Hit!

I love these tags!! I've got a few moments to spare while I catch up on life, this bottle of wine and the rest of the box of chocolate covered cheesecake squares. Yes, they are as wonderful as they sound, and no, you may not have any! hahaha. So here we go! :)

I've been tagged by a few of my blogging friends out here, so here they are!!
The always wonderful Andy at The Spiritual Journey Of A Somerset Pagan
The ever vibrant Solstice Dreamer
A kick ass artist; Jen at Chasing Domestic Bliss
The ever inspiring Nydia at Bringing up Salamanders
A strong woman who brings me to tears all the way from a Welsh Hillside; Moonroot

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six Random Things About Me:

1. I hate socks. Don't ask me what it is about wearing socks, but I just can't do it. I am very huggy and tactile, and like to feel the world beneath me. I love the feeling of rocks, sand, grass and even snow on my feet. I like to feel connected to the Earth, anyway I can.

2. I am a Gemini, and its VERY obvious. One personality likes to build decks, rewire houses, camp, chop wood, and work on cars WHILE the other personality likes to stay home with the kids (not mine of course) bake cookies, knit, crochet, plant flowers and do facials from the bathtub.... Both very different people who make up my personality.

3. I am claustrophobic, my mom was too. I can't stand to be stuck in tight spaces, or even see people crawl through those cool underground caves on the discovery channel. I have nightmares for weeks when I see that. I dream of being stuck in a tunnel, faced with a dead end, with no room to turn around. Sometimes I wake up gently sobbing.

4. I've been told that I am an amazing kisser and cuddler, however only a very select people know this hehehe. I should open a kissing booth, 1$ - any takers?

5. Birthday/Christmas/Holiday Card shopping makes me cry. I get past about 3-4 cards before I start to cry after reading words that touch or inspire me. I cry very easily, its easy for me to let my guard down. Get that from my mom too... lol I can't fight verbally with someone either, half way through my sentences I cry and make no sense when I'm upset or hurt.

6. My feelings bruise easily and I am easily hurt. The opposite is true as well tho, its the small things in life that bring me great joy and pleasure. Phone calls, little notes and random messages that show you care :)

So there you have it! Six random things about me...
Thank you all for tagging me, I love these, its fun to get to know our fellow bloggers! :)

The six I am tagging at random (hopefully you haven't been tagged already - so feel free to do this, or pass it on) are:

1. BohoMom @ Words from a Single Bohemian Mom - My partner and crime and moving buddy this month!! lol
2. Jennifer @ Crazy, Magic, Sometimes Hectic, Beautiful LIFE! - Always seems to inspire me, I hold on to her words like glue! Check this girl out!!
3. Dee @ iGoddess - Grounding, Centering - like a day at the spa, Dee is where I check my Moral Compass when I'm headed off path.
4. Mary @ Mary Says - One of the kindest, funniest ladies on the Net! Shes a hoot and a 1/2!
5. JJJJJane @ The Painted House - What can I even say really? Jane inspires me, and her words help me climb the rope, and continue on when I think I'm at the end.
6. Amie @ The Cross Stitch Bitch - That's right, she cross stitches AND shes a Bitch! Check out Amie if your a creative bitch (come on - we all know we are)

Keep safe,
Have a wonderful weekend
Embrace the Journey
Bret xoxo

Monday, October 20, 2008

I'm Moving!


In the 4 minuets it will take for the tea kettle to boil, I am writing a new post to keep everyone up to date! My past week, well two weeks really have been super crazy busy! I have been painting mostly, and now in the past few days I have been moving. Small van fulls at a time, furniture, dishes and memories. I have a dishwasher, so the most time consuming thing is washing dishes, each load takes about 45 minuets, and I am running each set of dishes/glassware through 2 loads (just to make sure all the smokey residue from the fire is gone). Everything is coming out nicely tho, and I am very impressed at how my little apartment is again becoming my home.

Its true what they say; home is where the heart is. I had thought I lost that feeling in the fire, but now with the process of moving back I am beginning to feel it again. This is where my heart has been, hiding the whole time. Who would have knew?
I've been able to read a bunch of your blogs, but not make comments yet. I try to make my comments as thoughtful and dear to your heart, as your writing is dear to mine. In the next couple of days I will make up for lost time (blogging from my new couch no less) and be in touch with everyone!

Until then,
Embrace the Journey wherever it leads you.
Home is where the heart is. Its your temple, your sacred space.
Its where your family gathers, your children are raised and your soul resides.
Paint, hang pictures, display artwork. Inject yourself into those blank walls, and your house will truly become your home.
Bret xoxo


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Painted House..

OK, so I stole the title from the always wonderful Jane at The Painted House, but it sorta applies to the last week or two of my journey. I've made the decision, written the checks and started to move back into my old/new apartment in the historic Victorian house in Niagara Falls. It was quite a decision to make, but in the end I had to take my own advice and realize that the universe is looking out for me, this is part of my path, and part of my journey, and everything happens for a reason. Ultimately in the end, I figured that if the powers that be didn't want me to move back in, they would have torched the whole house! lol

I opened the front door to reveal a sense of home that I thought I had lost. With my friend Amie by my side, I walked in only to discover that they had painted the entire apartment their standard Yellow. Now, when I say yellow, I don't mean a nice shade of cream, or a calming golden poppy, it screamed lemon yellow!














First thing was first. I headed to home depot and found my old colour swatches for the living room. If you remember (pictures in a few posts below) my living room was a medium shade of chocolate, and my hallway was creme. I had a few cans of paint mixed, along with a few recycled cans that my sister was finished with and set to work.

In the first night of painting my friend Julie (who conveniently lives only 4 doors down) finished the living room, kitchen and hallway. It sure helped to have a second hand. She cut in all the corners and trim, and I came along with the roller and rolled on my fab colours! The next night I took my bed linens into Home Depot and they colour matched them to a paint colour called Canadian Sky, I love it, and in a few hours finished my bedroom. Check out these pictures! ;)














The only problem I am really having is the two bathrooms. The floors are now very dark - as they were the old hex shaped glass tiles before, now they are dark tiles in shades of browns and red. Prior to the fire, my bathrooms were blue, spa like, but it seems now that my old decor wont match with the new, which is okay. I can adapt, change is good, right?? *Bites Fingernails*

I was thinking to either paint the two bathrooms the Kitchen Green (fully) or do a beige on the bottom, green or brown on the tops, and accessorize accordingly. What does everyone think? I could REALLY use some decoration advice here!! I can't see the finished product like I normally would, my old bathroom is still stuck in my mind! Check these pictures to give you a better idea of the layout and design....























See how the floors are now so dark? I don't do dark well... I wanted the bathroom to be, fresh, and alive, and spa like. Something calming and relaxing, not comfortable and homey... Does that make sense?? hehehe So what do you think? ;)

Also, just a painting tip for everyone. There is no easy way to say this... No gentle way to put it... So here it goes... Those with da Fat Ass should not stand a chair to paint! That's right, This Guy's fat ass did a little chair damage over the weekend, however the constant laughter of the site in which I left the chair kept both Julie and I rather amused. So if you have a weak stomach, and hate to see a good chair in pain, you may not want to look at the next picture...

Yup, that's all that is left of it. As it lays in ruins on the hallway floor I can only imagine that out there some tree hugging hippie heart is breaking at the thought that a tree was cut down to build this chair, only to have my fat ass break it to provide some comic relief in an other wise boring afternoon...

Embracing the Journey, while ladder shopping...

Bret =)

Monday, October 13, 2008

turkey... Turkey... TURKEY!!!


It is now the end of what was a very long and filling day. I went to bed last night organizing recipes and times in my mind, figuring out when to prepare the pies, when to chop the bread for the stuffing, and when to baste the turkey. I was also laying in bed thinking about my mom, and how she is missing another family holiday.

I awoke in the morning, feeling the weight of perfection on my shoulders. Mom always prepared dinners with ease; being able to time the turkey, stuffing, pies and potatoes perfectly. She made it look so easy, I still haven't figured out how she accomplished this. I struggled this morning with getting the pumpkin pies in the oven early enough so I would have time to cook the turkey for 5 hours, while allowing me time to prepare and bake the stuffing as well (we don't stuff the bird here - my sister wont eat stuffing that way... Can't blame her, considering where its being stuffed...) Which brings me to another point, I really feel bad; I had my hand up that turkeys ass all morning and I didn't even take her out to the movies! There just didn't seem to be enough time for everything I had to do. I never realized how much work went into a meal until I took over cooking years ago.

Overall dinner went off well, and 6 hours of baking, cooking, boiling and roasting were concluded with 38 minuets of eating. Isn't that how it always goes? You spend the whole day cooking and a fraction of that time eating. Does that piss off anyone else, or is it just me? lol

There are more dishes in the sink than I can shake a stick at. I usually don't mind washing and drying, but tonight I'd rather go soak in the bath tub. My Grandmother loved to wash dishes, I'm not too sure why. She'd always tell me that when she was growing up the neighbours could tell when she and her siblings were washing dishes - they'd say "oh the Schaeffer kids are singing, they must be washing up the dishes again". I always laughed at that story because my Grams had an awful singing voice, however she claimed quite the opposite in her younger days...
She would sing "oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way..." I can still hear her voice, and its funny because when I wake up in the morning, and the sun is shining its the first thing that comes to mind, sometimes I find myself humming it... She was also famous for other classics such as "arc du lieber augustine" which is a German song about kids with shit in their pants, and the Lemonade song, which went like this "lemonade lemonade 5 cents a glass, if you don't like it stick it up your ass." She wasn't all knitted sweaters and crochet blankets you know ;) lol My mom didn't always approve of her musical teachings...
Its funny the things you remember years later, memories that are triggered by familiar smells and actions. I swear I could smell my moms perfume in the kitchen when I was struggling with the baking. I could feel her gentle guidance when I asked aloud if I bake the pie shells before I fill them, or how much celery salt to use in the stuffing.
So today I am thankful for her recipes. It may not seem like much to some, but they have helped to keep her spirit alive. As I grasped the wooden spoon to stir the pumpkin filling on the stove I felt her hand guide mine, giving me the strength I needed to get through the day. Thanks Mom!
Now that I am exhausted, I am off to bed!
Embrace the Journey
Bret :-)

Friday, October 3, 2008

Closets are for Clothes!

Inspired by the ever lovely Sacred Suzie I wanted to write a little bit about my "coming out" experience. Now, like Suzie, I've also transitioned from being in the "broom closet" to being out, but unlike Suzie that wasn't the last of my closet renovations ha-ha! I've also come out of the other closet, you know... The "closet" closet.

Being and accepting the fact that I was gay was actually surprisingly easy for me as the majority of my past lives were as a woman, it just seemed normal for me oddly enough. Telling others of my sexual preferences tho was difficult. A very select few of my friends knew in High school, I was very lucky to have a friend who was also a lesbian - and the perfect prom date; no pressure! Through High school and into my adult life I have always kept friends who are open minded, non-judgemental, and accepting. Even tho I grew up in a small city, friends like this weren't hard to find, we just sort of found each other by instinct. I was never ridiculed, or made fun of. No one centered me out or hazed me. There have been so many young lives lost, or taken because of their sexual preferences. I've certainly been lucky.

Coming out to my family was a little more difficult. My sisters have always been supportive, and from a young age (before I was ready to come out) they would constantly say to me: "Bret, we know you are Gay, its okay, we are your sisters, we love you and will always be here for you..." I denied it for a while, I think I was afraid to disappoint them. It was several years into my teenage years before I sat them down and exposed my sexuality. The typical response from them was: "Bret, we know, its okay. Can we go clothes shopping now?" lol

My mom was the person whom I was most afraid to tell, not because I thought she would disapprove, or disown me, but because I didn't want her to think for a second that she had did something wrong in rearing me. I didn't want her to feel that if she had done things different my life would be different, less complicated and therefore better. After all, all moms only want the best for their children... She stood silently in the kitchen washing dishes. I entered the room, quietly. I started to tell her; slowly engaging her in conversation, I said firstly, "mom did you hear that Rosie O'Donnell just came out of the closet, she is a LESBIAN!" She put down the dish she was washing without blinking an eye, and with her tea towel slung over her shoulder she put her hand on mine, and whispered gently, "Bret, it's okay, Mom's know these things..." and by the look in her big, accepting, loving brown eyes I knew that she knew. She smiled at me and picked up another dirty dish. I remember feeling lighter afterwards.

My dad has been another story, being an Aries male, he doesn't have any emotions except for distrust, anger and hate. He's never accepted me, and its taken me a long time to realize that I don't need his acceptance. I wont bore anyone with my sob story of how my dad has treated me over the years, and still continues too, but I've become a much stronger man in the past couple of months and no longer allow him to disrespect my personal temple. He actually refuses to come to family events that I host at my apartment in fear of running into a gay friend, or something else gay... I was shocked when he first admitted the reason why he hadn't visited, ever, in the 18 months I resided there. I think he must assume that while I'm making Thanksgiving dinner I host a gay orgy, and take breaks every 25 minuets to baste the turkey. Maybe hes just afraid to "catch the gay". It doesn't affect my spirit any longer.

Coming out of the Broom Closet was alot more difficult. I've always struggled with my personal beliefs. Throughout the years, even tho I've kept friends who are open minded and accepting, there have been a few who have turned their backs on me. Mostly out of fear. I find that people don't give the time for you to explain your convictions, after all its much quicker to pass judgement and walk away than to listen. Not that i've ever advertised my religious beliefs, or thrown them in any ones face I have always taken part in many Pagan/Wiccan activities; everything from reading tarot cards to raise money for the food drive "Project Share" in Niagara falls, to drumming circles and festivals. I've only been told a handful of times that I will burn in hell, or that I have no soul, and I've only had holy water thrown on me 3 times, I consider myself pretty lucky, it could have been worse. During a canned goods collection drive for less fortunate families in my community, a Christian group showed up to protest our efforts. They had signs and everything! They were chanting something to the affect that every non perishable food item we touched would be damned and unholy. Finally I yelled out "It's canned Peas! Of course its unholy!" They weren't impressed. It was sad, but as events progressed I actually had to phone the police, they had turned to throwing rocks at us, like it was 1604 or something.


My family of course had always been accepting, and follow the same path as me. My mom allowed us to explore different religions for ourselves, she believed that like Rome, God had many roads to him as well. My mom was very Magickal herself. Being the source of premonitions, psychic insight, empathic ability and clairvoyance she's always been their to guide us. My dad on the other hand is a "born again Christian", the kind that drink, swear, gamble, cheat on their wives and steal. I've never expressed my religious beliefs to him, although I do debate some Christian ideals with him. I've always said, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. lol There would just be no point. I won't give him another reason to try to desecrate my personal temple.

So there you have it, "This Guy's Journey" out of the Closets. Like I always say, like it or not, this is who I am, this is who I will always be. It's not a choice, it's just the direction my soul is taking this time around. Always be true to yourself.

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Still Avoiding the Slammer!

Yup, that's right! I haven't found myself behind bars yet! LOL
Actually I am feeling very well, thanks in most part to the amazing comments left by all of you! :) In the past couple of days I have realized a few things about love, the human heart and others rights to choose.

I still feel sorta wierdish about the whole situation, which I know is to be expected. I've never been one to accept change easily -- luckily one of my Bach Flower Remedies is directly meant for dealing with new changes. I don't want to see my dad alone for the rest of his time here on this earth. I realize now that the heart doesn't replace, it expands. Once I realized that I could relate it to my own experiences. I've changed best friends over the years, loves have come and gone, but my own heart has never replaced, its just grown bigger to accept more loves. (As its in the process of growing bigger this very moment.) I think the same thing happened when a Woman has more than one child, her heart doesn't replace, it expands - which explains every time that I've asked my mom "who do you love the most" she always responded with "I love you three all the same". A typical mom answer eh? heheheh

So I've been gentle with my dad, it must be hard for him too. I told him that his new lady friend seemed very nice and very pretty too. I think he's rather stunned that I haven't lost it emotionally, lol, my sisters are rather impressed too. I've learned tho that just as I need to make my own choices, and follow my own path, my father needs to do the same. I trust his choices and decisions, and know that what is meant to happen will surly happen. Although I am not 100% okay with his timeline, these choices, (right or wrong - I can't judge him) are his to make. If he realizes that it was too soon, and he carries around guilt for his choices, it will be his to carry, not mine.

So again, thank you all so much for your comments, you've all made a very difficult transition in my life very easy. I am so thankful for all the words of wisdom, advice, heart felt stories and compassion. If any of you are every in the Niagara Falls area of Ontario let me know, I owe you a glass of wine ;)

Embracing the Journey,
One step at a time.
Bret =)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Blogging from my Jail Cell...

Thank the Goddess for my recent rounds (including the one this morning) of Homeopathic treatments! This very blog post could have been made from the inside of a 8x8 foot Jail Cell tonight if it wasn't for my little bottle of Bach Flower Remedies I keep beside me.

I came home from a night at my sisters house to an empty house, with an 1/2 finished bottle of wine and 2 empty wine glasses sitting gingerly on the kitchen table. The house had been freshly cleaned and vacuumed, and towels were folded neatly on the bathroom counter. It was a matter of 20 minuets before my dad came home, with, can I get a drum roll please, his new Girlfriend 'Karen'... First thing I did was make sure the button on my boxers was tightly sealed, but before I could escape into a different room she was in the door and introductions were taking place.

I didn't shake her hand, I barely made eye contact. I'm not too sure why at the time, but after some time to think about it, I think I was afraid to disrespect my moms memory by welcoming her into the house. I'm not too sure what to think, what to feel, what to say... I feel very much dis attached from the situation.

We sat at the kitchen table, my father to the left, and Karen to the right. My back was to the refrigerator, where a clipping of my mothers obituary still hangs. I felt the clipping staring at me. I felt it warm my back, almost as it was slowly burning into me. It was a strange feeling. I spoke to Karen, answering personal questions about home, job and family. I really didn't know what I was saying, I just politely and respectfully answered her questions.

To be very honest, I sat at the table upset (which is a very mild feeling for me). I was upset that only after 1 year and 1 month my father has started to date. Karen isn't a new name around this house, we have been hearing her name, and seeing her number on the call display for a few months now and I've witnessed several messages regarding bottles of wine, and dinner out on the answering machine.

I'm not too sure how to describe how I am feeling only an hour after meeting her, live and in person, right here in the very home where I've grown up. I'm not too sure what I should be feeling. Any ideas? LOL I don't want my dad to be alone for the rest of his life, but part of me expects him to be. I can't go to Wallmart or Momdepot and select a new mom during a 1/2 price clearance sale. The baby doesn't get to have a Grandmother now. Why should he be allowed to move on with his life so easily? It seems that he grieves whenever it suits him. Running his own business he's been late remitting the corporate taxes many time, and his main excuse is: "I just lost my wife..." He hasn't filed a company year end in 3 years. His excuse again is: "I just lost my wife..." He claims to be so distraught that he cannot function in his everyday life (which I think is an excuse) but then brings home a Girlfriend, and expects us to be understanding. Well I assume he expects us to understand.

I think I am feeling anger, which is an emotion I have been working very hard to eliminate from my heart. I recognize it now. I see it trying to take root, I'll choose not to let it consume me, but I won't bury or suppress it. I do realize that I can't be angry or hate my father for his choices. I don't have to live with his choices, they are his to make.

Is a year too soon after death to be dating someone? Should I be sitting down with my dad (an Aries male) to have a heart to heart conversation about how I feel about this? Should I just mind my own business and ignore the situation? Should I embrace the situation and be happy for my dad that he doesn't have to be alone?

I'm feeling a little lost and overwhelmed here....
....trying to embrace my journey
Bret

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mercury in Retrograde

I've had a few questions about Mercury entering Retrograde in the past few days, so here we go! ;)

At 07:18am on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Libra, the sign of the Scales, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! Acutally, you might have felt the the effects already as the awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point as Mercury slows down... The retrograde peroid lasts for about three weeks or so, until October 15, just after the Full Moon in Aries, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. At this time he halts and begins his return to direct motion through the zodiac.

Don't get too excited tho, you will still feel "out of sorts" until everything finally straightens out on October 31, as he passes the point where he first turned retrograde. Mercury turns retrograde three times a year, as a rule, but the effects of each period differ, according to the sign in which it happens.

Alot of people ask me "What does Retrograde mean?" Very basically A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. Modern science says "this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play."

Retrograde periods, although often problematic for us earthlings, are not particularly uncommon. Each planet retrogrades, except the Sun and Moon. Although a powerful astrological influence, Mercury is a small planet that travels at a relatively fast speed through the zodiac. Despite being the closest planet in our solar system to the Sun, it is not always in the same sign as the Sun (for example, although this time Mercury turns retrograde in Libra, the same sign as the Sun, last year Mercury turned in Scorpio while the Sun was in Libra, but headed back into Libra just as the Sun strode into Scorpio).


Fated Events
As a rule, retrograde planets presage a period of seemingly inevitable or fated events that relate to their sphere of influence. They present us with a series of events over which we seem to have little or no control, relating especially to the sign in which the retrogradation occurs. For example, Mercury retrograde in Scorpio (intensity; sexuality) presents quite different sets of circumstances from those generated when it retrogrades into Libra (relationships; harmony; æsthetics).

A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

These stationary periods occur near the beginning of the cycle (when the planet first halts as it prepares to move backwards) and midway through the cycle when the retrograde planet slows to a stop before moving forward again. The "direct station" (when the planet halts before moving forward again) is the most powerful and can be used for maximum benefit.
Many astrologers consider that the "Mercury Shadow" begins some three weeks before the actual retro station (when Mercury passes the point of direct station for the first time). This has some justification, but I am more inclined to think that the really noticeable peculiarities begin when Mercury slows significantly, a few days before the retro station. This period of "Mercury Shadow" extends to the Return date, some three weeks after the direct station. Bear this in mind, because experience shows that the effects of the retro period are still marked during the "shadow" phase. Some of the most characteristic annoyances often occur just after Mercury makes the direct station, while he is crawling forward before picking up speed.


What does Mercury affect?
In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!

The Key Issue
The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate.

Mercury retrograde, like any cosmic aspect, affects people differently, depending on where it hits their personal charts. Some people actually prosper under a retro Mercury, especially if Mercury is retrograde but otherwise well-aspected in their birth charts. It is also a time when matters begun under a previous retro period will come to fruition, or completion as the case may be. Firm decisions that have been previously made when Mercury is travelling normally through the zodiac may be implemented or finalised while Mercury is retrograde without too much worry, for experience shows that this can be done without undue problems arising.



Mercury Retrograde in Libra
When Mercury is retrograde, everyone's thinking is more introspective and we tend to think about issues and concerns which relate to the sign involved. With Mercury retrograde in Libra, people with this sign prominent in their charts will be especially prone to such introspection. Libra is a Cardinal Sign, so the other Cardinal Signs, Aries, Cancer and Capricorn will also receive a touch of the lash! Venus, the planetary ruler of pleasure-loving Libra, enters sexy, mysterious Scorpio at the same time (Sep. 24) and remains there until leaving Scorpio to enter Sagittarius on Oct. 18. This stimulates jealousy and intense, passionate emotions, combined with a love of sensation, luxury and pleasures. Excesses of sex and passion, especially among the young, will prove more than usually chaotic over this phase. Religious feeling tends to be intense. Misdirected communications can create jealous marital relations, impulsive behaviour and the need to control relationships.

Mercury retro in Libra can disturb the mental balance, making us more than usually indecisive. Virtue and morality will be under pressure from both sides, combining jealousy and possessiveness with the agonies of doubt and indecision! Sharing ideas, especially those connected with moneymaking and other tangible rewards will present a higher risk. Attempts to maintain objectivity and an unbiased approach are likely to be thwarted and coloured by emotion. Trouble through lawsuits affecting partnerships or an unfaithful marriage partner will afflict those who may be in the relevant situations.

Gossip about celebrities, the arts and salacious topics in general will be rife. Rumours regarding partners, spouses and collaborators in business and joint ventures should be discounted, or at least taken with a dose of salt, especially if sex or money are involved, as the atmosphere will be thick with misinformation and innuendo, particularly leading up to the Full Moon on the 14th of October.

All areas of communication are affected, especially in matters related to the law, partnerships, marriage or the arts. This period brings travel snafus and missed appointments of all kinds. Documents can go astray. Be sure to carry a day planner and refer to it often, hopefully you don't lose the entire day planner! lol

SO! How's everyone feeling?

Embrace the Journey (Even in Retrograde!)
Bret =)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I choose Love rather than Fear, and it makes all the difference.

I think we are very fortunate to be living in an area of the world that is free of war and rampid disease, yet full of freedom; free speech, free religion, and free health care. For the most part, we are free; to make our own choices and decisions in this lifetime. I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I had picked a different blueprint for this life. I could have chosen to be another gender with a different family in another part of the world, but I didn't, I chose this one, I chose to be the man who I am today. Who am I tho, really?



My yoga training involved alot of deep self reflection. I was constantly asked by my Swami this: "Who are you... Really? Who are you, do you ever think about that?" Until then I hadn't thought about it. I just was, well, me. What kind of thought process do you need to entertain a question like that? For weeks I struggled with this and she'd ask me again; "Who are you? When everything else falls away, who are you, and do you truly enjoy the company you keep in the empty moments?" I'd sit in silence during meals, which was our practice, and think about her questions. I would self reflect in my journal for hours upon hours each night. I struggled to find any answer, or at least an answer that I was content with. These are still questions that I ask myself today, years later. Over the past few months, I have been finding myself sitting in those empty moments, I struggle with the company I keep. When everything else fell away, I didn't enjoy the company I kept.


It was a few weeks back when I realized that I had a tool that I had not been utilizing. I realized that I had the power to choose. I could choose for myself to harbour anger for others, or choose forgiveness and to open my heart and release this anger. I could choose to let opportunities and life pass me by or choose to stick my neck out there and risk it, for the adventure of being alive. I could choose to be alone, with a heart grown cold from the bitter betrails of past relationships, or I could choose to open my heart and risk having it broken and love unconditionally as if I'd never been hurt at all. I had choices.

I felt powerful. I felt connected. I felt alive.

About 3 weeks have passed since I re-realized I had the Power of Choice. I have been using this power like Harry Potters magick wand, zapping in new choices and decisions for myself. Some come easy, and some take time. Although I don't feel as if I have everything on my "to decide" list checked off, I am well on my way to personal freedom.

Freedom is in every ones grasp. I have decided I will never stay in a unfulfilled relationship for the sake of being coupled, I will never live in a home that doesn't feel sacred to me, I will never let anyone disrespect my personal temple and I will never lose my power to choose!


I know there are some of us out there that feel they have lost the power to choose, feeling as if they are stuck in a job that doesn't bring pleasure, or a relationship that doesn't feed the soul. I hope we all remember that we are powerful, we can choose to continue these patterns in our life, or make the necessary changes to start fresh. I am going to leave everyone with an affirmation that I have been using for weeks that has helped me out alot...


"What I am today is the result of all that I have done. What I become is my choice, for only I am the creator of my destiny. I am not locked into life as I see it now, I have the ability to make choices and create different paths for my life. This makes me powerful. This makes me wise. I chose personal freedom."

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sacred Sunday

I've thought alot today about what this particular Sacred Sunday means to me... Sundays growing up were usually a time of resting after a weeks work, spending time with family and getting together over a Pot Roast. It's that one day of the week where a busy schedule doesn't matter, and everyone makes the time to get together to sit around the kitchen table and chat or play rumoli.

It would have been my moms 59th birthday today if she would have been here with us on this Sacred Sunday. Still, we had dinner, sat around and chatted over thick slices of chocolate cheesecake and sipped endless pots of coffee.

My family bond is whats Sacred to me this Sunday. I still marvel at how we pulled together nearly 2 years ago when we brought our mom home from the hospital. The strength and character of families, parents and children who take care of their loved ones during times of illness inspires me. It's fascinating to see this bond growing in our newest addition to the family. I watch every day as my 10 month old niece bonds with my eldest sister. It's amazing to see the connection develop between mother and child, I believe it to be one of the strongest bonds in the universe, unbreakable even by death.

I watched as a 16 year old young man, my grandfather wheeled himself from a different part of the hospital to the intensive care unit where my grandmother was hooked to a life support unit after having a heart attack. Every morning in spite of cancer, pain and weakened joints he would lift himself into a wheelchair and somehow find his way to my grandmother so they could have breakfast together, as they did every morning for the past 50 years. I realized then, that's what I wanted for myself, that bond, inspired by my grandparents.

I believe its our bond for one another, our love that makes this life worth living. What would we have if these bonds weren't present? I can't imagine being a bird who flies away as soon as my feathers grew in, or a fish who hatches and swims away when his fins are strong enough.

My sister made an offer to me tonight, she flips houses, usually I do all the electrical work for her. She has a project house now, on Lake Erie, in Port Colborne. She's offered me free rent in a finished suite of the house for as long as I like. It would be very convenient as in the coming days I would be spending alot of time there anyways.... Decisions, as you may have already noticed, stress me out - to say the least. I think its the amount of options I am usually presented with. It's like when you go into a new restaurant, and everything on the menu looks delicious. I often feel overwhelmed at the selection, maybe that's normal, I'm not 100% sure.

With the newly introduced Bach Flower Remedies into my life style change I haven't felt as stressed as I normally would. Usually it takes me longer to realize that I should trust the universe and her plans for me. I know that I will be fine, and the universe will provide for me, as it always has. I know there is a lesson here, and I will come to learn, understand and integrate it into my being. In the up and coming days and weeks, I'm sure my direction will become more clear, I trust that it will.

So on this Sunday, I am very happy to have that Sacred Bond with my family, especially my sisters, without their love, support and strength I wouldn't be here.

Happy Birthday Mom,
Embrace the Journey.
Bret =)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Decisions Decisions Decisions


So I find myself in the same shoes as I did nearly 4 months ago when my apartment caught fire and forced me to move back to my childhood home... I remember that week as if it had just passed. Sitting comfortable in my living room on a Thursday evening having tea with my friend Amie chatting about the days events. I spoke with her about my struggles, if I should give up my apartment and move back in with my dad to help him out, and keep better care of the family business since my moms passing. We weighed the pro's and con's and it still didn't help me come to any decision. Now anyone who knows me well enough understands that I do not make decisions, not even easy ones, and if we have plans together, you had better make them, or else we'd just end up bantering back and fourth saying "I don't know, what do you want to do."

A couple of hours later Amie had left and I was sitting alone, well semi alone, Friskey was around, but not very talkative. I opened my book, looking for guidance, advice, herbs, rituals or an incantation that would help me make a decision. I found one, a Spell to make decisions. I gathered herbs, placed my crystals, lit candles and carried on with my spell. Upon completion I was hoping for a vision, a dream, a message, some sort of instant result that I had been used too, but nothing came.

I didn't want to give up my apartment, I really loved it, but I didn't want to let my dad fend for himself, and plus, I would basically be at the house getting the business back in order all day, everyday (none of the books were done after my mom took ill in 2006 - so I had 2 years to catch up on.)

It would be days until my spell finally delivered a decision for me, in the form of an apartment fire. I should have seen it coming too, the universe certainly delivered a number of messages to me that went unnoticed or ignored. The days leading up to the fire Amie and I had discussed my options for Apartment Insurance in case Goddess forbid my house should catch ablaze! I was even downloading the movie "Things we lost in the fire", my sister had recommended it to me. The day after my apartment had burnt down, I plugged my laptop in to check to see if it was still running, and after I had logged into Windows a little pop up message was there saying "Things we lost in the fire is Complete", the movie had finished downloading! I just shook ed my head and laughed. What do you do, other than laugh I mean...

SO, bringing to me to the present... My apartment is ready, or rather will be ready on October 1st, give or take a few weeks. I was presented with the option from my Landlords to either move back in, or not, that it was up to me. I said yes, I will be returning. I am left wondering if I have made the right decisions. Amie asked me tonight if I had "weighed the pro's and con's". What is with this woman and weighing my options! Usually I just jump into something with out looking first! lol I have, I think I have at least. I am jobless as it stands right now, but I could easily find a job, or so I think, I just have to get my resume out there..... If I had a job, I wouldn't second guess it, but then again I would, because I don't know if I would be getting a job in St Catharine's or Niagara Falls, or 40 Min's away in Fort Erie... Fort Erie would be nice, because its close to my family, but I don't want an 80 min commute every day... Chances are I will be working close to the Falls, or St. Catharine's... I just can't seem to make a decision on what should I do, and I don't think I will be casting the Decision spell this time... hahaha
Here are my options:
Move in to my old place in the Fall and hope I find a job.
Keep living at my dads, find a job, then find a NEW place in that city
Move to BC, live in the mountains with monks, do yoga and e-mail everyone once a year

Any ideas??
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