Friday, October 3, 2008

Closets are for Clothes!

Inspired by the ever lovely Sacred Suzie I wanted to write a little bit about my "coming out" experience. Now, like Suzie, I've also transitioned from being in the "broom closet" to being out, but unlike Suzie that wasn't the last of my closet renovations ha-ha! I've also come out of the other closet, you know... The "closet" closet.

Being and accepting the fact that I was gay was actually surprisingly easy for me as the majority of my past lives were as a woman, it just seemed normal for me oddly enough. Telling others of my sexual preferences tho was difficult. A very select few of my friends knew in High school, I was very lucky to have a friend who was also a lesbian - and the perfect prom date; no pressure! Through High school and into my adult life I have always kept friends who are open minded, non-judgemental, and accepting. Even tho I grew up in a small city, friends like this weren't hard to find, we just sort of found each other by instinct. I was never ridiculed, or made fun of. No one centered me out or hazed me. There have been so many young lives lost, or taken because of their sexual preferences. I've certainly been lucky.

Coming out to my family was a little more difficult. My sisters have always been supportive, and from a young age (before I was ready to come out) they would constantly say to me: "Bret, we know you are Gay, its okay, we are your sisters, we love you and will always be here for you..." I denied it for a while, I think I was afraid to disappoint them. It was several years into my teenage years before I sat them down and exposed my sexuality. The typical response from them was: "Bret, we know, its okay. Can we go clothes shopping now?" lol

My mom was the person whom I was most afraid to tell, not because I thought she would disapprove, or disown me, but because I didn't want her to think for a second that she had did something wrong in rearing me. I didn't want her to feel that if she had done things different my life would be different, less complicated and therefore better. After all, all moms only want the best for their children... She stood silently in the kitchen washing dishes. I entered the room, quietly. I started to tell her; slowly engaging her in conversation, I said firstly, "mom did you hear that Rosie O'Donnell just came out of the closet, she is a LESBIAN!" She put down the dish she was washing without blinking an eye, and with her tea towel slung over her shoulder she put her hand on mine, and whispered gently, "Bret, it's okay, Mom's know these things..." and by the look in her big, accepting, loving brown eyes I knew that she knew. She smiled at me and picked up another dirty dish. I remember feeling lighter afterwards.

My dad has been another story, being an Aries male, he doesn't have any emotions except for distrust, anger and hate. He's never accepted me, and its taken me a long time to realize that I don't need his acceptance. I wont bore anyone with my sob story of how my dad has treated me over the years, and still continues too, but I've become a much stronger man in the past couple of months and no longer allow him to disrespect my personal temple. He actually refuses to come to family events that I host at my apartment in fear of running into a gay friend, or something else gay... I was shocked when he first admitted the reason why he hadn't visited, ever, in the 18 months I resided there. I think he must assume that while I'm making Thanksgiving dinner I host a gay orgy, and take breaks every 25 minuets to baste the turkey. Maybe hes just afraid to "catch the gay". It doesn't affect my spirit any longer.

Coming out of the Broom Closet was alot more difficult. I've always struggled with my personal beliefs. Throughout the years, even tho I've kept friends who are open minded and accepting, there have been a few who have turned their backs on me. Mostly out of fear. I find that people don't give the time for you to explain your convictions, after all its much quicker to pass judgement and walk away than to listen. Not that i've ever advertised my religious beliefs, or thrown them in any ones face I have always taken part in many Pagan/Wiccan activities; everything from reading tarot cards to raise money for the food drive "Project Share" in Niagara falls, to drumming circles and festivals. I've only been told a handful of times that I will burn in hell, or that I have no soul, and I've only had holy water thrown on me 3 times, I consider myself pretty lucky, it could have been worse. During a canned goods collection drive for less fortunate families in my community, a Christian group showed up to protest our efforts. They had signs and everything! They were chanting something to the affect that every non perishable food item we touched would be damned and unholy. Finally I yelled out "It's canned Peas! Of course its unholy!" They weren't impressed. It was sad, but as events progressed I actually had to phone the police, they had turned to throwing rocks at us, like it was 1604 or something.


My family of course had always been accepting, and follow the same path as me. My mom allowed us to explore different religions for ourselves, she believed that like Rome, God had many roads to him as well. My mom was very Magickal herself. Being the source of premonitions, psychic insight, empathic ability and clairvoyance she's always been their to guide us. My dad on the other hand is a "born again Christian", the kind that drink, swear, gamble, cheat on their wives and steal. I've never expressed my religious beliefs to him, although I do debate some Christian ideals with him. I've always said, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. lol There would just be no point. I won't give him another reason to try to desecrate my personal temple.

So there you have it, "This Guy's Journey" out of the Closets. Like I always say, like it or not, this is who I am, this is who I will always be. It's not a choice, it's just the direction my soul is taking this time around. Always be true to yourself.

Embrace the Journey,
Bret =)

17 comments:

Pam said...

Embracing you!

Andy said...

From one gay pagan to another - many blessings! What a beautiful and touching piece of prose. I wish you well, fellow traveller.

Jennifer said...

great post. great writing. great topics. i love that you say you came out of the "broom closet" ;) I'm very accepting of others, well that isn't exactly true... I'm very accepting of others that I know to be good, honest, loving, compasionate people that have morals and ethics. THIS is why I am so glad we are blog friends!!

I am so glad you are true to yourself and that you don't let anything OR anyone stand in your way!! :)

xoxoxo HUGS!! have a good weekend.

Jen said...

Thanks for sharing your journey with such honesty. It is a sign that you walk with the wise ones beside you. Blessings!

Ayre said...

Yay!! I'm one of said friends :D:D

I'm so glad you came out of the broom closet because you have taught me SO much. Yer the best :D

Homo Sweet Homo!

michellechant said...

You're a gorgeous soul, ya know!?!

Nydia said...

I love the truth and honesty in your words. Beautiful post, and I couldn't agree more. Some things are so personal- and harmless - that no one can judge. You do have to be true to yourself.

Kisses from Nydia.

Bohemian Single Mom said...

you're gay?

Bohemian Single Mom said...

hahahaha!
kidding, of course...lol
Love ya and love the honesty and integrity of this post.

If only everyone could be as comfortable as you, with their sexuality....and let go of the hangers and come out of that closet!
Rock on Brett, you know you're cool!

xo

mrsb said...

Awesome post. No one should have to hide the real person they are - certainly not be harassed for it. You are a brave soul to be out (in both ways). The world can be a harsh place.

Jane said...

Bret,

It's a blog like this that makes me want to be a better blogger. I love your writing so much. So honest and open. I almost had tears of joy when you described your mother at the kitchen sink. I know how much you miss her and I can see why.

Sacred Suzie said...

Dearest Bret, please forgive me for finding your post so late. I don't know how I could have possibly missed this, Good Reader let me down.

What a telling and powerful post. I got such a sense of your family dynamic and the wonderful women in your life. It is so hard when a male authority figure is so judgmental, for a man it must be even harder. Your parents remind me of mine, my Dad's an athiest and my Mom was religious and now spiritual. It was very confusing.

You have a double whammy when it comes to the path you have in this life and getting judged. I think if anyone had any brains in their head they would see you are an amazing person and they would be lucky for you to be THEIR friend, brother, son...

CrystalChick said...

What a beautifully honest post. Thanks for sharing.

A friend of ours many years ago came out. We were surprised because my husband had gone to school with him for years and he never shared his feelings and always dated women. He was afraid as an adult that his friends with families would have problems with him being around their kids. That seemed so silly to me that he would think that. He's our dear friend, we love him, our kids love him. But I guess it's really like that for many people. Alot of fear. People can be so cruel.
He waited until after his parents had passed to live the life he'd always wanted to live. Before that he tried to be with women and was even engaged at one point. But you know, as he knew, you have to be true to yourself. It's hard at times I'm sure to know what to say and to whom, how much to share. But for those who do... BRAVO!
You seem like such a compassionate, loving, interesting person with a good sense of humor and alot of things to offer many types of people.
But still, I know it's got to be hurtful when certain people can't/won't understand but they are in your life to make you stronger and help you practice forgiveness.

Just keep being you!

Anonymous said...

You're a really brave person for being so open about everything that isn't really an option for some people.

This entire well written account you just shared is a very obvious indication of that.

The way things are these days it is actually easier to come out as being gay than it is to admit that you have pagan leanings. It is sad that society is still backwards in this way.

But in any case you are a wonderful human being and I am glad you came into my life. I am learning more about that and myself because of you and I don't think you can ever know how much that means to me. :)

iGoddess said...

"It's canned peas! Of course it's unholy!"

dear gods in heaven, if i'd thought of that line when i was a kid, i think i coulda gotten my bio-mom to stop forcing me to eat those...

i'm with you on that one, babe. =)

solsticedreamer said...

oh bret what a great post :)
you are amazing to stay true to yourself {huge hugs}

Serena said...

I only just found your blog through the Soul Coaching blog group and I can already tell that you are an amazing and beautiful person. I'm so sorry that your Dad treated you so badly but know that he is the one missing out. It always saddens me to see people being judged so unfairly.

Btw, technically, I'm an Aries though I also cusp Pisces...just wanted to say that my five kids are all very precious to me and, all I want for them is to be happy in their lives. If any of my kids came out of the closet, I would accept them will open arms and love them for being who they are.

Love, light and peace,
Serena :)

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