It's been a particularly rough "Mercury in Retrograde" for me. More and more things have gone wrong with my car, my cell phone quit working, my laptop is toast, and I have this general sense of coming unglued at the seams... I keep looking forward, leaving the small obstacles I encounter in the past where they belong, but its difficult to keep my head up. Increasingly more difficult everyday.
I sometimes forget how precious and delicate life is, things I should be grateful for seem to get drown out by the bitter betrayals of life and easily forgotten.
I was in Food Basics tonight, a local grocery store, when I had turned around for a loaf of bread and noticed a woman in a wheelchair with her back to me. Her son was helping her find some buns on the top shelf. From behind the woman resembled my mother, a delicate frail body with the same shade of red in her hair. I had to turn and walk away, leaving behind the bread, my eyes welled up with tears.
I quickly scrambled to gather the rest of my essential groceries and wait in line to check out. I turned around quickly startled by a shattering jar in the distance and behind me was the woman in the wheelchair. I noticed she was missing both of her legs, like my mom. She had neatly rolled up her pants and tucked in the excess fabric. I slowly lifted my head but couldn't help but to make eye contact with her. She smiled and for a minuet I was lost in her kind eyes.
My eyes swelled up, and tears began to roll down my face, I made no gesture to wipe them away.
"You've lost someone close to you" she said.
"My Mom..." I struggled to reply, trying to hold back a sea of tears. "I miss her a great deal"
She smiled and said "She must have been one hell of a woman"
"Yes" I replied, "she was".
She leaned closer and put her hand on my hip, "No matter what you do, I'm sure she is still with you, just differently then you are used too".
I put my hand on hers and again struggled to speak again "I hope so".
She smiled at me, which I returned, and preceded to load my groceries on the belt for the cashier that was now waiting for me, quietly and patiently.
It would have been my Mom's 60th birthday on Monday, I miss her terribly.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her guidance and support.
I still feel her, but as the woman said, it is different now, more of a quiet whisper in a very loud room.
I rarely give myself the stillness required to hear that voice in my "busy" life. I need to make more time. I am in the process of starting to teach two yoga classes a week at our local library. I've asked for donations in the form of canned goods to be traded for classes, my mom always sent us with brown paper bags full of dry goods when our school or community had food drives. It seemed proper, to honour her memory and regain that stillness.
Life is delicate, and far too short.
Life is a gift - no matter what sort of box it comes in.
For today I am grateful for memories.
For today I am grateful for a strong mother who prepared us well for life's betrayals.
Today I am grateful.
Embrace the Journey, one day at a time.