Thursday, September 10, 2009

...life

It's been a particularly rough "Mercury in Retrograde" for me. More and more things have gone wrong with my car, my cell phone quit working, my laptop is toast, and I have this general sense of coming unglued at the seams... I keep looking forward, leaving the small obstacles I encounter in the past where they belong, but its difficult to keep my head up. Increasingly more difficult everyday.

I sometimes forget how precious and delicate life is, things I should be grateful for seem to get drown out by the bitter betrayals of life and easily forgotten.

I was in Food Basics tonight, a local grocery store, when I had turned around for a loaf of bread and noticed a woman in a wheelchair with her back to me. Her son was helping her find some buns on the top shelf. From behind the woman resembled my mother, a delicate frail body with the same shade of red in her hair. I had to turn and walk away, leaving behind the bread, my eyes welled up with tears.

I quickly scrambled to gather the rest of my essential groceries and wait in line to check out. I turned around quickly startled by a shattering jar in the distance and behind me was the woman in the wheelchair. I noticed she was missing both of her legs, like my mom. She had neatly rolled up her pants and tucked in the excess fabric. I slowly lifted my head but couldn't help but to make eye contact with her. She smiled and for a minuet I was lost in her kind eyes.

My eyes swelled up, and tears began to roll down my face, I made no gesture to wipe them away.

"You've lost someone close to you" she said.
"My Mom..." I struggled to reply, trying to hold back a sea of tears. "I miss her a great deal"
She smiled and said "She must have been one hell of a woman"
"Yes" I replied, "she was".
She leaned closer and put her hand on my hip, "No matter what you do, I'm sure she is still with you, just differently then you are used too".
I put my hand on hers and again struggled to speak again "I hope so".

She smiled at me, which I returned, and preceded to load my groceries on the belt for the cashier that was now waiting for me, quietly and patiently.

It would have been my Mom's 60th birthday on Monday, I miss her terribly.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her guidance and support.
I still feel her, but as the woman said, it is different now, more of a quiet whisper in a very loud room.

I rarely give myself the stillness required to hear that voice in my "busy" life. I need to make more time. I am in the process of starting to teach two yoga classes a week at our local library. I've asked for donations in the form of canned goods to be traded for classes, my mom always sent us with brown paper bags full of dry goods when our school or community had food drives. It seemed proper, to honour her memory and regain that stillness.

Life is delicate, and far too short.
Life is a gift - no matter what sort of box it comes in.

For today I am grateful for memories.
For today I am grateful for a strong mother who prepared us well for life's betrayals.
Today I am grateful.

Embrace the Journey, one day at a time.
Bret xoxo

21 comments:

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh brett this brought tears to my eyes, i hope you can find the stillness to hear and remember she will always be by your side and she will still listen and still offer her wisdom, maybe in less distinct ways, but they will be there
xoxoxoxo

Suzie the Foodie said...

Morning tears are rare for me, I feel your loss profoundly and just had to write. She is with you.

Bohemian Single Mom said...

(((Bret)))
How difficult this experience must have been for you. But also what a blessing that woman's words were for you.
I agree that your mom will always be with you.
I also believe that everything happens for a reason, and you meeting up with that woman, who sounds similar to your mom in so many ways, can't be 100% coincidence.
Take care.

Jocelyn said...

Thank you for sharing that gift!

Sorrow said...

The universe whispers to us in so many ways.
((((holding your hand))))))

Mon said...

(((hug)))

Don't you love the connection we have to other human beings? How even tenuous ones can touch us deeply. How they are there when we need them.

Mel said...

((((HUGS)))))

Holding you tightly in Love and Light...

As the others have said...this was no coincidence that you met such a lovely woman in the grocery store.

It's so easy to forget to Listen...we get busy, we scurry about doing Things....but when we do embrace the Silence..well, that is when we will hear even the quietest of whispers...

~brightest blessings~

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...

Take care of yourself hun, it sounds like you are walking the path your mother put you on in the perfect way.

Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

Blessings to you, Bret. Do you talk to your mom? I talked to my recently departed grandmother yesterday (when I was alone, of course ;) and she came to me in a dream last night. It was wonderful to be in her presence again, I felt at peace when I woke up this morning. She can't always visit, but I value the moments she can. I also love that you're doing the canned food collection. She taught you right ;) Much love and strength ~ER~

Dia said...

Oh,Brett - your mom would be/ *is* so happy about the yoga classes & canned food donation! & what a SWEET encounter in the grocery store!
After one of my favorite Hospice clients died, I was at something I knew she'd enjoy hearing about, & had a bit of a pity party going on, that I couldn't share it, when I heard her voice inside me saying 'so, tell me already!' & I did . . . & felt so happy!

It's such a funny contrast - my sense of 'all is well' when someone passes, & my own missing them!
One friend said that Merc. RX gives us the opportunity to re-visit comm. we feel we could have done *better* with & re-do in some way. Made me feel better about it. & my friend Gwynne on 10,000 blessings Feng Shui gives several cures for Merc RX - a wee bowl of sea salt by computers, 9" red ribbons tied on phone chords, etc.

. . . & on a decadent note - stop by the Vale for some Gluten Free scones, to go with your AM tea

HUGS!

vlk40 said...

This made me cry. I don't believe it was a coincidence you ran into that woman in the store. Hugs

shyvonne said...

I'm not good at comments, but I would like to say you are a wonderful writer. I hope you find peace. Your Mom would want that.

This Guy said...

Thanks everyone for your support and ever kind comments! I'm stopping by to visit everyone today, laptop willing of course! Time for a new one, next paycheck maybe ;) hahah

Blessings,
Bret

Jane said...

The other day, I was totally frustrated with the job search and I said to Breen that I've got to start talking to God even more. He turned to me and asked, "Do you need to talk to God or do you need to listen?". I realized how much internal and external chatter is always going on with me. I think we all need to find the time to find our quiet place inside...that's when we hear so much.

mrsb said...

What a beautiful exchange - it brought tears to my eyes.

I hope that when my kids are grown, they love me in the way that you so obviously love your mom.

Thank you for sharing this story.

Nydia said...

Oh, how beautiful this encounter was!! That reinforce what I always say, that nothing happens by chance. That kind lady was there for you - along with your mom. Quiet your mind, Brett, and breath more easily.

Kisses from us.

PS: Thanks for your lovely words on my post.

Sue Simpson aka - The Purple Pixie said...

Oh Bret....first time I've visited your blog. Please sweetie, know that you are NOT alone. So many of us feel exactly the same way right now, especially those on a spiritual path. You've prompted me to get my finger out of my bum and write about this sometime over the weekend.
Sending you lots of warm hugs,
hang on in there,
Sue xxx

Pixie_Allen said...

Hi Brett, 'm ne to your blog and your post brought tears to my eyes.
Remmber your mum is sill and always around you and i'm sure if you asked her for guidance she would guide you in a way you would recognise as being your mum.

michellechant said...

Hey Brett, thanks for stopping by and reminding me that people care. I've missed blogging. I've now refreshed my blog, and well, lets hope I'm gonna keep it up this time.
love
mich
x.

Nydia said...

Hello, sweetie! Just stopped by to let you know I left an award for you at my page.

Kisses and take care!

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