Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Blogging from my Jail Cell...

Thank the Goddess for my recent rounds (including the one this morning) of Homeopathic treatments! This very blog post could have been made from the inside of a 8x8 foot Jail Cell tonight if it wasn't for my little bottle of Bach Flower Remedies I keep beside me.

I came home from a night at my sisters house to an empty house, with an 1/2 finished bottle of wine and 2 empty wine glasses sitting gingerly on the kitchen table. The house had been freshly cleaned and vacuumed, and towels were folded neatly on the bathroom counter. It was a matter of 20 minuets before my dad came home, with, can I get a drum roll please, his new Girlfriend 'Karen'... First thing I did was make sure the button on my boxers was tightly sealed, but before I could escape into a different room she was in the door and introductions were taking place.

I didn't shake her hand, I barely made eye contact. I'm not too sure why at the time, but after some time to think about it, I think I was afraid to disrespect my moms memory by welcoming her into the house. I'm not too sure what to think, what to feel, what to say... I feel very much dis attached from the situation.

We sat at the kitchen table, my father to the left, and Karen to the right. My back was to the refrigerator, where a clipping of my mothers obituary still hangs. I felt the clipping staring at me. I felt it warm my back, almost as it was slowly burning into me. It was a strange feeling. I spoke to Karen, answering personal questions about home, job and family. I really didn't know what I was saying, I just politely and respectfully answered her questions.

To be very honest, I sat at the table upset (which is a very mild feeling for me). I was upset that only after 1 year and 1 month my father has started to date. Karen isn't a new name around this house, we have been hearing her name, and seeing her number on the call display for a few months now and I've witnessed several messages regarding bottles of wine, and dinner out on the answering machine.

I'm not too sure how to describe how I am feeling only an hour after meeting her, live and in person, right here in the very home where I've grown up. I'm not too sure what I should be feeling. Any ideas? LOL I don't want my dad to be alone for the rest of his life, but part of me expects him to be. I can't go to Wallmart or Momdepot and select a new mom during a 1/2 price clearance sale. The baby doesn't get to have a Grandmother now. Why should he be allowed to move on with his life so easily? It seems that he grieves whenever it suits him. Running his own business he's been late remitting the corporate taxes many time, and his main excuse is: "I just lost my wife..." He hasn't filed a company year end in 3 years. His excuse again is: "I just lost my wife..." He claims to be so distraught that he cannot function in his everyday life (which I think is an excuse) but then brings home a Girlfriend, and expects us to be understanding. Well I assume he expects us to understand.

I think I am feeling anger, which is an emotion I have been working very hard to eliminate from my heart. I recognize it now. I see it trying to take root, I'll choose not to let it consume me, but I won't bury or suppress it. I do realize that I can't be angry or hate my father for his choices. I don't have to live with his choices, they are his to make.

Is a year too soon after death to be dating someone? Should I be sitting down with my dad (an Aries male) to have a heart to heart conversation about how I feel about this? Should I just mind my own business and ignore the situation? Should I embrace the situation and be happy for my dad that he doesn't have to be alone?

I'm feeling a little lost and overwhelmed here....
....trying to embrace my journey


Faith said...

Keep taking those Bach Flower remedies, my friend. They will save your sanity! And I can tell you from experience, there will be moments when it will be easier, this thing we call life. In the meantime, keep your chin up. :)

Anonymous said...

Honey ... its ok to feel weird about it ... I know I did when my dad started dating.

And when he remarried ... you should see the sour look on my face in all their wedding photos.

10 years on I'm glad my dad moved on when he did ... he's happy, truly happy, and thats a wonderful thing.

I lost the love of my life when I was 27. I'm 42 now, it took me years to move on, and when I started to I felt incredibly guilty - every guy I compared to him ... I had another chance of love and I didn't take it. I regret that now, and I know that the best way to remember that love is to LIVE my life.

Just because your dad is dating, doesn't mean he didn't or doesn't love your mom. Its just time for him to move on, and your mom would probably want him to.

Be gentle with him honey ... he deserves to be happy.

CrystalChick said...

Oh honey, an Aries male! Well, there you go, they just jump right in and do stuff don't they?? LOL
Astrologically speaking, of course you know it's more complicated than that. :)
What's his Moon sign, where have things progressed in his chart. Maybe he really NEEDS this. Maybe it won't last. etc.

My Mom passed 13 years ago this week. Back then, I was a little worried, selfishly, that my Dad would start seeing another woman at some point Maybe one of the waitresses at a restaurant/bar he always went to, just for companion/friendship? That never happened. My Dad was 71 at the time though, so maybe it depends some on age too.
But I do think it's just a natural way to feel after one parent dies. You want the other one to always be honored. I knew back then I wouldn't have liked it much. But the best way to handle it is of course to let the person who's still living... live. We had 4 years with my Dad after Mom before he passed and he didn't go into another relationship during those years but had he wanted to, I would have needed to find a way to be okay with it.
I'm sure it's not easy for you, or your Dad in many different ways. But stay close and share everything you can.
I'm not using them currently but was familiar with a few different Bach remedies so good for you!! Keep that going. You'll do fine. :)

Have a nice day! Peace, M

mrsb said...

Try to think about how your mom would feel about this. I doubt she'd want your dad to be sad and/or alone forever.

I'm sure it's completely weird for you. Remember though, she isn't there to take your mom's place. No one could do that. But if she can make your dad happy, isn't that a good thing? Maybe having someone to share part of his life with will help him get back on track with the business, too.

That would also free you to go on and do what you want to do with your own life, without having to be responsible for, or worry about, your dad.

(Is there a chance that a small bit of what you are uncomfortable with is that very fact? That he might not need you if he has this woman, and it will force you to make those decisions about your life that are so hard? Just playing a little "devil's advocate" here.)

Stay positive, and try to get to know this woman for the person she is, and how she treats your dad - as opposed to "the woman trying to take your mom's place". Give her a chance :O)

Sacred Suzie said...

Good grief, this is so hard. When my Dad starting dating I was filled with immense hostility and my parents were just divorced. I can't imagine what it must be like under your circumstances. It's absolutely horrible. Oh dear, now I know who the woman in your reading was! I digress. You need space. You need to get out. You need to be away from this. The time to move is now.

...where did that all come from?!

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhh...that's gotta hurt. Especially to be caught off guard like that..."here, meet my girlfriend".
I don't know what to say, except that your feelings are valid.
But maybe this is your dad's way of moving forward. I'm sure he doesn't think any less of your mother's memory, in fact this new girlfriend may be filling the gap in his heart left by your mother's passing.
And I agree with "mrsb". This new relationship will most certainly take some of the pressure off you, in making sure he's ok, taking care of himself, etc.

Such is life. To everything there is a season...this is the time to focus on yourself.
(and so glad I didn't get a call to go bail you out of a holding cell with Ayre in the middle of the night -lol!)

Nydia said...

I take Mrs. B.s words as mine, Bret. No one wuld ever take your mom's place, and your father knows that quite clearly. His girlfriend is what I call "The Transition Person". The one who sometimes without knowing, will help someone ele to go through a bad phase and get into a new ste in life, when then leaves. Probably she'll not be with him for a long time - your father feels the need of having a companion right now as a way to deal with his loss. I know it is weird to think about it, but he's human, with human needs, even physical needs. If you're feeling this knot in your throat, just go and talk to him aboiut it, but on a friendly way. I'm sure he is so worried about you as you are about him. I bet he was absolutely in panick when he introduced the woman to you.
Takeyour time, your Bach's, and breath in, breath out. There's no such thing as a specific time for grieving. It's never too early or too late for dating someone new in this situation. Every person deals with this sad experience in a difference way. You father is not exception.
I hope it makes sense to you in due time! :)

Kisses with relaxing vibes from Nydia.

Ayre said...

You're entitled to feel however you feel. They're your feelings and you can't help them. Selfish or not selfish (which I don't think it is), you're still allowed to feel it. But not letting it consume you is definitely the key. Take the time to feel angry about the situation. Take the time to feel sad about it if you need to. Know that we're here for you whenever you need to vent/talk/bitch/cry about anything including this.


This Guy said...

Heya Everyone! :) Thank you for your kind comments! :)

(Faith) Thanks so much for finding my blog! :) There sure are easy and hard moments eh? I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, we all know that can be a difficult process sometimes! hehehe

(Mich) Ya, really wierd!! I can't even imagine the sourness on your face! hehehe Yeah, I was just hoping it would take my dad longer to start to move on... Its only been a year, and this chick has been in the picture for about 3 months now... So really, he's been moving on from the 9th month point... Its just all very new and wierd for me!!

(Crystalchick) Yup, Aries man, and this is why I will never date one! hahaha I'm not too sure where all his other signs are, i've never charted him, but I think i will now. Im sorry about your moms passing. Time helps heal a little I think, but it still hurts like hell I know... I just keep taking my bach flowers!! haha and double dosing on my rescue remedy! LOL

(Mrs B) Well, I did think about what my mom would think, and the answer was "kill her" hahahha. About 7 years ago my mom made me promise that if anything happened to her, i'd run an new girl outta this house, by whatever means necessary - if you get my drift ;) lol I'm sure her feelings have changed now, being a being of light... But its still kinda funny to think about and remember. Yes, I'm hoping she could take some of the pressure off me, BUT I just have to be sure on what her intentions are. A lady who swoops in after your wife dies 9 months ago, can't have alot of self respect for herself. I think thats pretty clear. And just what I sensed from her, she has a reason to be here, there is something very much below the surface... Its a little scary...

(Suzie) Yup, thats her! Yes!! Decision made! Im OUT of here! hahaha I think I would eventually snap if I had to take much more of this. The answer is to remove myself from the situation and problem! *Getting the hell out!* lol

(Boho) Oh for the love of God! LOL Can you imagine me calling you and A in the middle of the night saying "ummm guys, can you come and bail me outta jail...." hahah that would be priceless!!

(nydia) Yes, I think she will be the transition woman, well I am hoping anyways, because I don't get the best of feelings about her. Yeah, I think I will talk to him about it, tell him that I am mostly okay with things, just to make sure shes a good woman.

(Ayre) Ohhhh dear, thanks for always being here for me! :) I think im okay tho, I dont want to murder her, unless she fucks it up.. hahaha lol Yes, its not like I can change how I feel, I cant just alter my feelings, so yeah, i will just feel as a I feel ;) lol

Thanks again everyone for your support, guidance, and advice! :) I appreciate it SO much!
Bret xoxoxox

Jennifer said...

okay. i've been sitting here for about 5 or so minutes trying to think of what the right response to this is.... the right response for me to give you and the right response you should have for all that is going on in your life. and to tell you the truth... which i will.

i think you have every right to feel the way you are feeling and you shouldn't try to change those feelings for the sake of others. Over time I imagine that your feelings will change and you will come to accept this and be happy for your dad... I think. although i haven't been in this situation and i'm not sure.

for me, i would try to think of what my mom would feel about all this and what she would want for my dad. my mom would KILL my dad now for having a GF but they are both still here and married... but I'm not sure how she would feel about it after she passes. I think she would want him to be happy. And he the same for my mom.

and the human heart is amazing. just because he is dating someone now doesn't mean that he doesn't feel the loss of your mom any more. i totally understand your point of feeling like he gets to replace your mom (in a way) in his life by having another partner, but you can't (and wouldn't) replace your mom in your life with another mom. Just because we bring more people into our lives and open our heart to them, doesn't mean that we close our heart to others that were there first... it just means our heart grows more.
I'm sure you know all this... and really I'm not trying to preach to you.... I can sit here and type this all out and it sounds really great.... la la la life is grand. la la la life is perfect. yeah right. we don't live in that world... sure this world can be that way some times, and I hope that you can have that world soon.
what you are feeling is perfectly normal.... b/c they are your feelings. who is anyone to tell you that what you are feeling isn't right. Besides, I know if I were in your shoes, I would be feeling the same thing. It is a protectiveness for our loved ones. You for your mom and I'm sure some where you have protective feelings for your dad in there too... hoping he doesn't get hurt again. Plus this angry feeling you are feeling is a good defense mechanism for blocking out hurt. :(

I'm sorry you are going through all this... and I hope that it is true... that time does heal all wounds and that with time you will start to heal. I know you will never forget your mom or that pain, but that things will start to get a little easier to deal with.

i'm sending you HUGS!! lots of them. and if I lived close enough to you, I'd drag you out with me to dinner and some wine and some great laughs and you'd be feeling better. :)

I hope this made some sense to you. I meant it all with the best intentions to help you out. I know I ramble (a LOT) and some times I type (talk) in circles... but anyway.

lots of (((((((HUGS))))))))!!
xoxoxo always,Jenn

Pam said...

Bret. I've been thinking about you too, and agree with jennifer above.Pondered on this overnight, in fact, before leaving a comment, so was glad to see her comment when I checked in this morning. The heart expands. It doesn't replace. This is what happens when parents add new siblings to the mix.Now that my daughter is in her twenties, she always likes to "put in her two bob's worth" as to how she sees her father and myself and the relationship, but really when it all boils down, the final relationship and outcome is between the husband and the wife.I think, while honouring your dear mothers memory, you must step back, hard as that is, and try to "practice a good heart" as the Dalai Lama suggests.Whatever you assume/guess/presume/know what your lovely mother thought or might feel even now about the situation, I feel it is not yours to concern yourself with.(that comment is meant to give you a sense of release). Your job is just to love your parents with all their faults.Try not to be angry. We all have the ability to make mistakes and flounder, and maybe your mother is at this moment changing her mind and just wants happiness for your family Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. It must be hard for your Dad. It must be hard for you.If I died, I would want my husband to be happy, and perhaps we see things and previous earthly feelings differently from a heavenly perspective where we can see more of the big picture.Things are working "behind the scenes" I am sure, and as someone else mentioned maybe this lady is a transient person to help your Dad along. If things don't go well, then this is your Dad's journey. I wish you well Bret..and a big hug too.x

Anonymous said...

I think it is too soon. He should respect your mother's presence(she's still there). You hang in there.

solsticedreamer said...

oh poor you i cant sort of understand how you feel. my dad left my mum when me and my sister were all grown up and it wasnt until some months later my mum told me he had left for someone else. for ages i felt very hostile towards this new lady but when i met her and saw how happy he was i mellowed sister never has.i think you handled the situation as well as expected and good job you have your flower remedies lovey :) we all handle things in oh so different ways

Jane said...

I think I might have the initial reaction that you did as well. Although I didn't experience the death of a spouse (only the death of a marriage), it hurt being without a partner to share every day things with. I did my fair share of dating. At first, it felt so odd to be out with anyone but my ex. The kids didn't like the idea of my dating either in the beginning. It takes time for everyone to get used to all this.

I think we can honor the memory of our loved ones in beautiful ways every single day and still get on with the course of living. You will all continue to learn and grow from this.

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