Sunday, May 10, 2009

... Missing Her

Today is my second Mothers day without my mom, it's been almost 2 years since she passed last August. I decided to work today, trying to keep by hands busy and my mind silent. I spent Saturday with my sister Leslie, we dug up some of my mom's perennial flowers and transplanted them into her own garden, I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Hands full of mud, and shoes full of muck. When we were finished we opened a bottle of wine and had a glass, then a bottle, then another. I'm lucky to have an amazing sister, she is my best friend.

I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot still, still asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. I still sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. We still aren't ready to pack away her things, I don't think we will until my dad decides to sell the house if he does.

Selfishly I feel pretty "jipped" that I lost my mom so early, I was 25, I know there are alot of people who lost their mom's a great deal earlier than I did, so I feel blessed for the time that we did have together. A few Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months.

Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.


Again I sit here with a glass of wine, in celebration of my mom, and yours. Always remember that you don't have to wait until Mothers Day to tell your mom how much you love her.

Struggling with the Journey,
Miss you mom. xoxo
Bret

9 comments:

Jen said...

Your mother must have been a wonderful person. I know she is with you still.
Much love to you.

Ayre said...

I thought about you yesterday...I was hoping the day wouldn't be too hard for you.

Bohemian Single Mom said...

I think it's a beautiful thing to transplant your mom's flowers like that. That act alone is such a great tribute to her memory.

Always remember, that although that wretched disease cheated you out of having your mom around longer, you DID have a wonderful, loving mother for the first 25 years of your life.
There are many people who can't say that.

((hugs))

Tori said...

Your mother must have been a wonderful person. It is so sad that you lost her so young.

Moonroot said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to still have my Mum.

I jhave nominated you for an award - details on my blog.

Nydia said...

I'm sorry for your loss... I can't imagine how my life will be when my own mom is gone. The good thing in all this (if evewr there's a good thing), is that you're aware of the bless you had by being in her life and vice-versa. Because it is a bless.

Beautiful, moving post.

Kisses from Nydia.

Pam said...

I feel Bret, that people like you have gone before me in this journey. I have yet to face it, and am dreading it. You are brave my friend, and such a thoughtful man.I salute you and those who find that Mother's Day is a poignant reminder of a time when our dear Mothers were with us - but then, I think they always are.

rock, paper, scissors said...

You have such a wonderful spiritual connection with your mother and I know that will never come to pass. I was reading "The Invitation" over the weekend by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. She talks about talking with an elderly indian friend and asking her how long she was married to her husband. She responded that even though her husband passed away 12 years ago, she will always be married to him; his spirit is very much alive and surrounds her daily.

This Guy said...

You guys are the best! Thank you as always for your wonderful and supportive words. You've made this Journey easier for me. I'll never be able to express how much I cherish your kind words :)

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