Today is my second Mothers day without my mom, it's been almost 2 years since she passed last August. I decided to work today, trying to keep by hands busy and my mind silent. I spent Saturday with my sister Leslie, we dug up some of my mom's perennial flowers and transplanted them into her own garden, I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Hands full of mud, and shoes full of muck. When we were finished we opened a bottle of wine and had a glass, then a bottle, then another. I'm lucky to have an amazing sister, she is my best friend.
I truly miss her, there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of her, wishing that I had her guidance, and support. I find myself talking to her alot still, still asking questions, listening very quietly to hear her small still voice, sometimes I think I hear her answers. The clothes she left still hang in her closet, her bedroom untouched, just as she had left it. I still sit in the bottom of her closet smelling her sweaters, they smell like a mom, I'm not sure how else to describe the smell. I find solace and peace in that closet. We still aren't ready to pack away her things, I don't think we will until my dad decides to sell the house if he does.
Selfishly I feel pretty "jipped" that I lost my mom so early, I was 25, I know there are alot of people who lost their mom's a great deal earlier than I did, so I feel blessed for the time that we did have together. A few Christmas' ago, when we came to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, after the doctors had exhausted all surgical efforts to keep her here with us we decided to bring her home, and care for her there. I feel blessed that we were given that extra time with her, after all, we could have lost her 6 year ago when she first discovered she had cancer. In bringing her home, we again were blessed with another 8 months.
Time is cruel, it truly only ever goes forward, never letting us revisit the past. Although I don't live with any regrets, there are many things I would do differently.
Again I sit here with a glass of wine, in celebration of my mom, and yours. Always remember that you don't have to wait until Mothers Day to tell your mom how much you love her.
Struggling with the Journey,
Miss you mom. xoxo