Sunday, August 9, 2009

...in the Storm

First... Thank you for the kind, warm, and supporting comments that everyone has left. I feel truly privileged to have such an amazing group of blogging friends!

I am sitting on the couch tonight, in the dark. The gale force winds, barrage of lighting, and torrential down pouring of rain has knocked out my power and I sit here only illuminated by the glow of my laptop screen and the flashes of light through my living room windows.

My heart this past week has felt very much like the storm outside. The uncontrolled pounding of fury has gotten the better of me on more than one occasion, but nevertheless I am on the mend. This journey of mine has certainly taken me through hell and back yet still, I feel blessed to have the memories that I do have - I realize there are others who have nothing.

The rain beats against the glass paned windows and I can see the silhouette of my cat peering down at the flooded street below whenever lighting strikes. He's not afraid of the stormy weather, and he inspires me not to be either. For even though lighting sometimes strikes, eventually the clouds do part and the sun does again shine.

I've done a great deal of self reflection in the past few days, accompanied by some deep soul searching. Again I come to realize there is little I can do to change the course of events that the universe throws at me, and even less I can do to change another. I can only make changes in my own thoughts and hope my actions will follow. When it boils down to it, there isn't a hell of alot that can be done otherwise.

The other morning I woke up still whimpering from a dream. I was in our family home, and my mom's cat "Kitsey" jumped up on the kitchen counter and said my name. I was baffled that the cat could speak until my mom announced that she was speaking threw the cat. She asked me what was happening, each word forced as it seemed it was a struggle for her to speak threw the animal. I had explained, and she nodded in disappointment. She listened to me talk for a few minuets then told me she had to go. Before you leave, I said, what can I do to make you proud? "Live" she replied. So here I am living... It's all any of us can do.

Sitting here in the dark I can only wonder what is next for me.
Until then, Embrace the Journey.
Bret

8 comments:

laoi gaul~williams said...

what a lovely post brett :)
i love the image of you sitting there in the midst of the storm but safe inside. you have been trough a real old journey but you know what? you sound better, from your words i can feel some of the anger has passes and you are continuing your journey safe and well with your mum still by your side :)

Marisa said...

What a wonderful dream. I had a similar type of dream a week after my mom died and although I know it was a dream, after 32 years it still seams very real. I think your mom is trying to tell you to distance yourself from your dad, or what your dad is doing, and just concentrate on your own life and live it the best you can using what values you learned from her to guide you. You can't change your dad so don't waste your energy on what can't be done.

mrsb said...

What a great dream! And great advice. The best "revenge"? LIving well. Don't let those who live badly bring you down. Live well, be happy, and show them that they do not matter one bit.

((hugs))

Suzie the Foodie said...

What a touching post and so amazing your Mom visited you through your dream and the cat. It is hard to realize just how little control we sometimes have for certain things. I'm trying to learn how to let go too. I'm so sorry that your old life has been replaced so rudely and painfully. We really need to figure out how to live in the now. You can do it. Let it rain.

Ayre said...

What a fantastic dream!

Life is a very hard road at times but like your mom said, all you can do is live it...keep on keepin' on. It can't rain all the time.

Can't wait for sushi on the 20th, we'll do some good catching up!

Why Mom Drinks Rum said...

(HUGS) - you did the right thing in removing your items from the home. Removing yourself from those toxic people might help you heal as well. Trust me...I GET IT.
http://www.whymomdrinksrum.net/2009/07/mommy-dearest-closure.html

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Beautiful dream. And so authentic. "Just Live"...that's all that's required of you - live your life.
Wicked storm the other night! omg- the house across the street got hit by lightening. The lightening was so bright, all we could see was white and the thunder!...our whole house shook. It was wild and T. who isn't afraid of anything screamed like she was in a horror movie.

Nydia said...

I'm sorry for the past events, Brett. I can't even imagine going through someting like that myself. But seems like this dream came in good time, your mom had wise words for reflexion... Live your life indeed, you're such a sensitive person, and let others live the way they want to, even going against everything you believe, even going in such a horrid way. I do believe in the threefold law, but the most important here is that your conscience and your soul are clean and ligt about it - because you know you'd never do anything of the klind, yourself. You did what you should, now go ahead and breath deeply.

Kisses and hugs, and thanks for your supportive/sweet words.

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