Tuesday, August 4, 2009

when the glue fails...

Mom was the Glue, she always was. Our family lost its glue nearly 2 years ago, and things have been falling apart ever since...

My Dad decided he is moving some whore into the house. Yup, I said it, whore... She has different motives, we can tell. I overheard her say in a conversation to my dad "I am not trying to win any sort of step mother of the year award, no one is going to tell me what to do". That when I decided it was time to fight back. My sisters and I went into the house and started to clear out all of our possessions, we decided not to leave anything of ours in the house.. Who knows, Ontario law states after 6 months of living together and they are common law married and we loose all claim.

We tried to talk reason into my dad, but he wouldn't hear any of it. Now that hes found his new Whore he basically wants nothing to do with us... Oh did I mention he thinks its okay to have sex with this woman, in my moms bedroom (the room she passed away in) while her ashes are hidden in a drawer instead of on her dresser? Ya, that's what I am dealing with. We were removing our things, and everything was fine, until my little sister took her and my moms special collection of Christmas snowmen. My older sister wanted them, just to hurt my younger sister - she has been trying to hurt us for years. Shari, my older sister didn't say anything until the next day when we found that she had taken my 1/2 my moms China set of dishes that were already promised to my little sister Leslie.

It's always been Leslie and I against Shari and Dad. They are so much alike, both the most ignorant, hurtful, violent people I have ever met. She uses abortion as a form of control against her husband. She is sick. Found out recently that my Dad was a wife beater. It only adds fuel to my fire. The day ended in fist fights, words I am not proud of saying, and a total and complete severing in the family. It was long overdue.

We removed 99% of our stuff from the house, and if I never set foot in there again I am happy. I am still going back for the rest of my sisters dishes. After I've gotten the rest of our things we've decided to burn the rest of the furniture so there is nothing left. Figured if Dad wants to start over, he should do it right.

What makes people turn on each other? Is it money? Greed? Jealousy? I just don't get it. What makes people so inconsiderate that they trample on the emotions of others. I can't for the life of me understand a woman (who apparent has been in love with my dad since she was 12) that would want to come into a house, 2 years later, and have sex in the bed where my mother had died. Do people not have any self respect at all?

I am so happy that the universe keeps a balance.
I am so happy that everyone in time receives their Karma.

I am literally exhausted. I need to sleep. I've been dealing with all this, trying to work all this out in my head - hoping it will make sense, but it just doesn't. I am at a loss of what to do next. I can't talk to my dad, it just ends literally in a fist fight. I want to kill my older sister, literally. I hope she drives her car off a cliff. I think there is one of these in every family...

Anyways, I am off to bed.
Embracing an Axe.


Jopan said...

wow. now if thats not truthful i don't know what is. i'm in the repression buisness myself.

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh brett, i am so sorry its all turned so dreadful. well done for getting in and gathering all your possessions.
you are right, there is always one in the family~although not in anyway the same as your situation i am presently wearing my blue UN peacekeepers hat, acting as a buffer between my mum and sister~hard work.
we need some full moon healing :)

Anonymous said...

Now before you go in there and chop off their heads with an axe (name that movie!!!- lol), take a deep breath.
Yes, it's horrid and obscene the way your father is behaving, BUT, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that we cannot control another person's actions. Even when we're right and we KNOW they're wrong.

I know this is hard for you, but remember your father is an adult and can do whatever he chooses. That said, the universe does keep a balance and he will have to face the realization that he is hurting people by his actions.

But we cannot interfere. We cannot control other people, so get your stuff outta there and let it go. Don't make yourself sick over this.

YES, both the "whore" and your father are being very disrespectful to your mother's memory. But I don't believe the saying "people are rolling over in their graves".
I believe your mom is at peace and would tell you so. She would also tell you not to be too upset about her ashes. Yes they are her remains, but they are not essentially "her"...do you know what I mean?
That said, you & Leslie should just claim ownership of your mom's ashes. I think having them to respect and honour will go a long way towards you being able to cut ties once and for all with your father and "the bad seed" of your family.

***We ALL have dysfunction in our families. The only solution is to not play into THEIR insanity...just take care of yourself.
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves".

Get over here for a pot of soothing camomile tea next day off!

This Guy said...

Thanks everyone. It has been such a struggle, and I've been trying to battle this with yoga and meditation. Its hard sometimes because I just want to take a sledge hammer and smash EVERYTHING (and might eventually)...

About her ashes... You're right, they were just the vessel, and not even an accurate representation of the vessel anymore... Her spirit is not confined to those ashes, or even to that house - i feel that. I think that is the ONLY thing getting me through all this. I am just happy that I got what I wanted outta there, well 99% of it... I know my little sister is hurt about the dishes, and I will make it right, if its the last thing I do. I know that sounds extreme, but I know what my moms wishes were... Although I am neither the judge, jury, or executioner, I will do my best to respect her wishes (as long as it doesn't get me thrown in jail - hahaha)

Everyone will have to answer to someone one day. I know I have nothing to worry about... My sister Shari and my dad? Well thats another Story... I am sure on their way to hell my mom will pop in for a visit, and it won't be a pleasant one...

Thanks again, you have no idea how much I value the support :)

Bret =)

Anonymous said...

I think you are reacting to your intrests and feelings only. It's tough to lose your mother, I know.

But, she's gone and your father has a right to move on with his life. 2 years is enough time to respectfully carry on with another woman. You have no right to this woman, or an woman a whore, and to be honest, your behaving like a petulant child.

Your father has a right to live the rest of his life and to be happy. You need to respect that. If that means that you need to distance yourself from him, then by all means do so. Hopefully that will give you the clarity to see that this is not all about you and things are just that, things. But these people are your family and they are all you have.

Jocelyn said...

Sorry to hear about such a horrid thing you've had to do. But that's all you can do, you do what you need to do and if distance is needed, take it.

Stay positive and know YOU are accountable for YOUR actions. Dad & Whore will live with their actions as well. (Older sister too.)

This Guy said...

Dear Anonymous, you are absolutely right, in a normal situation... My mom didn't pass away normally, and there are details I couldn't even begin to write. In fact, it hasn't been 2 years, my dad started to see this woman 5 months after my mom passed away in our home, after 8 months of my sisters and I changing ostomy bags, reseeding her cathider line, bathing her, delivering pain narcotics via needle, and cleaning up open wounds on her back from bed sores, from being in bed for a year - not to mention the bilateral amputation of her legs that when I changed the bandages I could see her bone protruding. Each day when I helped the nurse change those bandages my moms skin and flesh would be stuck to them - each monday morning I watched the garbage truck drive away with pieces of my mom. So yes, I am being VERY childish about this, as childish as a 30 year old, greiving son can be - 6 days before her 2 year anniversary of passing, and 1 month before her 60th birthday. Quite childish don't you think?

Of course he has the right to move on, and my little quip isn't about him moving on, its the method in which he is doing it - very disrespecting. Do I want to see him happy? I do, I wouldn't want to be alone, I wouldn't expect him to be alone either - its just the way he went about it, sneeking around, lying to us - and to the "whore". She is a very self disrespecting woman and started to call my dad the week after my mom passed away - and a month or so later she flew in from Alberta.

I have no problem with moving on, but I have a hell of a problem with doing it and disrespecting the memories of others.

If you do not understand, feel free not to comment.

Stacy Ruch said...

Well said Bret. Being one of your Mom's nurses, I know what your family has gone through. Even more I know what your Mom went through. She will always have a special place in my heart. Being a RN we are trained (and trained well) not too get attached to our clients, especially our home hospice patients; I loose one a week.

There was something about your mom, something special and being her Nurse for over 5 years while you and Leslie were going through this, we developed a close bond over long conversations, and deep reflections.

She was my light at the end of a long shift. I am proud to say she was my Friend, and you and Leslie did an amazing job of looking after her.

I've never commented on your blog before, I had bookmarked the link when you had it on your e-mail signature and followed along ever since, wanting to speak out ever so often, but being resistant to interrupting your life - or bringing back sad memories - but I feel the time is right to do so now. What your father is doing is wrong, and anyone who is close to this family knows it. Your mom was the life force of that house, and yes, no man will be alone after their wife dies (Im sure my husband wont be alone either) but you are right, If you want to start a new life, go start a new one, in a different home or at least allow your children to remove the memories of their mom, don't disrespect them, he is only disrespecting himself. We know that.

Honestly Bret, what else did you figure of your Dad, he was never there to help, it was always you and Leslie. Don't live with his guilt - let him live with that. Honor and cherish your moms memory - and stop by for a tea, I am just around the corner from your Dads, you know.

Be strong, be brave - celebrate her life, honour her death. You are an amazing son, and I so dearly hope my Brandon turns out to be a son like you. You will encounter people who do not understand - as your mom always said "tough it out kid". You will be ok :)

Love Stacy

mrsb said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds like such a hurtful mess.

Taking yourself out of dealing with something that causes you so much pain sounds like a good idea.

Try to find some peace, knowing that your mom is in your heart, not in that jar, and let go.

Forgiveness might be asking too much, but to find real peace, at least leaving it all behind might be necessary. You aren't going to change your father or his "friend", but you can choose to work at not letting their BS affect you.

Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Way to tell "anonymous" Bret!
Don't you just love these cowards who feel SO justified in their own opinions that they can't even leave their real identity!
Talk about childish!

Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

Oh Bret, I don't know you very well but I understand somewhat what you're going through. No, I didn't lose my mom (yet, she's in terribly poor health at 75) and I do know when she does go, things will get ugly. Not by my doing, but I have a similar position in my family as you and your sister (hey, I have an evil sister too! :). I can sympathise to family drama, I bet you and I could write a book no one would believe. All I can say is 'make your own glue', that's what I'm trying to do being a bit removed from my family. I've created my own family of friends (and of course, husband and my own children.) Unfortunately, we can't chose our family, just create your own, do some healing and best wishes to you, stay strong :) ~ER~

Eco Yogini said...

Bret- this sucks. I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much and can't even begin to understand what it feels like.
My grandpere and uncle both died within a year- and my family had some fights over money and possessions...

I'm sending strength and hope you're way and will continue to do so.

Wild Roaming One (WRO) said...

Brett, I'm new to you and your world, although I've seen you around G's bloghood...

...I feel your pain through your words and I also feel bravery to remain a man full of integrity. Sending positive energy your way...


Pam said...

Wow. There is much here, all powerful.I am deeply impressed with others responses and answers.I hope you don't mind that I reply with a long very much thought-out answer. Bret I am so much older than you, and have gone through many stages you have talked about. There have been "snitchy" family bickerings and I have been angry and frustrated at what I have seen to be injustices. It was my daughter who told me when she was young "Mum, you are so much more than this. You are so much more on a spiritual plane, and this behaviour by others simply reflects the kind of people they are." I used to think when a certain person in our family died that it would be horrendous regarding " who received or fought for what" to remember them by. Now, at 57 I can say truthfully I will step back and not care. There is dignity in that. As you know there is no dignity in slaps, hurtful words, the tug and pull of chattels and hateful emotions.The people I love I honour by holding them in my heart,as I know you do. I do not need to have their material possessions in my hands. I cannot stress enough how I do not want to appear self-righteous in saying this. I want you to see that freedom always involves letting go. Abiding in the quiet centre of the circle while all that's disruptive whirls its ugly way around the periphery. Annonymous actually did you a favour by getting you to fight back with a response that you are holding, that gives a bigger picture to all of this.These are enormous issues you are working through Bret. I would not wish them on myself, my child or those close to me. Your mother would be proud of your protection but so hurt with your pain. She loves you and being the mother I read that she was (is!!) she will not really be able to rest until your soul is peaceful. Revenge is indeed the sweetest thing, but peace is more important. You may or may not agree with that. She does not need you to fight her battles dearest Bret, there are no more battles to fight. Her life is finished here. Your father's isn't, his life is his own, in whatever bad choices he continues to make. What at absolutely incredible young man you have been to look after your dear mother in the ways you did. You know, I don't think your family is becoming "unstuck" - the dynamics are simply (?)changing, like it or not and we must allow ourselves and others to be part of that process.Much love to you Bret. You are brave, corageous, trying so hard to be strong.And you know what Bret? It's just a bed, it's just sex. Get angry with me if you like - but these are earthly things. Walk away - take what you want and need, but place you and your mum in a different setting and surround yourself with people you love.I admire you tremendously.

Marisa said...

You are right...there's some in every family! I am awarding you with The MeMe Blog Award if you would like to pop over and pick it up.

Mon said...

Damn, heck of a post with which to start reading your blog.

Family shmamily. You can't pick them nor murder them without a jail sentence.

Hope you find peace with this. Eats you up otherwise. Can't change other people, only ourselves right?

stay groovy.

Mon said...

Where's your Follow widget dude?

Mel said...

Oh, Dear One..I'm so sorry......

What a heartbreaking situation -- my Nanna always used to say that death brings out the worst in people -- she watched her siblings scrap over my great-grandmother's things after she died and was just sickened by it. There was no acknowledgement of the true meaning of some of the items -- the things that were *known* to have special connections to certain family members...it was a horrible display of family politics.

I'm glad you got your things....your dad's new *friend* sounds like a piece of work...

I can't imagine what you're going through....there are some lines which simply should never be crossed....

Sending you Love and Light...and a hefty dose of Peace....

CrystalChick said...

I'm so sorry for this difficult situation you are in. I do not know why things like this have to happen.
My parents have both passed on and it's such a shame but a great relationship I had with my sister sort of went with them.

After my Dad died, my sister and I inherited the house, furniture, car, etc. and had to split it all up. Just the two of us so you'de think it would be easy enough to handle.
WHAT A MESS THAT WAS. Before that... she and I were very close. We weren't just sisters but we were friends. After that... we didn't speak for years.

I don't know how it got so bad so quickly. We couldn't agree on alot of things and had no mediator to help us with specifics. Having just lost our father, neither of us was in the right frame of mind to deal with the house and money issues too, and it just got very ugly.
She bought my half of the house and when we made settlement there were still some things at the property that weren't split up. I was never invited back again. I was told if I tried to come there the police would be called... etc.
Her husband was an ignorant prick, my husband went after him in my defense one day. It was just a bad bad scene for a long time.

I was always willing to accept my share of the blame. It takes two to get to that point when both parties are too angry and blind to see all that was going on. But they were never willing to accept any responsibility for things that happened. In their eyes, they were right all along.
They took it so far as to distance themselves from my kids too which hurt them alot. I never once made my nephew a pawn in any of it and we maintained a good relationship thankfully.

Well... fast forward to NOW.. and she and I do talk occasionally. After my daughter had her first baby, my sister started visiting and calling her and her husband has also been supportive so I guess I am happy about that. My daughter has forgiven the years that they stayed away.
I have often felt bad that we lost our relationship and missed her quite often but now when we do talk I just remind myself that we are on very different paths. We have very little in common these days. And that's okay. It's a process that I'm working through. It just wasn't meant to be for us to be together after a certain point. Relationships change.

I agree with alot that Bohemian Single Mom said too, especially that your Mom is at peace, as are my parents. And that you have to take care of you. We don't have to do the drama anymore if we decide not to.

Just another quick story... a friend of mine died 12 or so years ago. She was very young...only
30. She hadn't been gone a couple months and her husband had an old girlfriend visiting... sleeping over, etc. In front of his two young children who were maybe 10 and 12. It was horrible.terrible.awful to say the least. A few months after that... he packed up his kids and moved across the country and in with that old girlfriend. The kids had to deal with a new mother, a new home, a new school, and new friends wayyyy less than a year after their mother had died. Actually, she died because of a botched surgery so just the horror of that was alot to take.
Needless to say... I hated him for a very long time for disrespecting his wifes memory, for breaking up our friendship and moving his kids away and putting them in that situation. But what could I do??
Eventually, I just had to make peace with it all. He married that girl. They are still married and his kids are grown now having families of their own.
Life goes on.

You are not alone in what you are going through. But you are strong and wonderful and spiritual and loved by many. Just keep being you. I'm sorry you have had to go through it, but it's making you stronger.

Peace, love and light to you.

Jane said...

I'm glad you got in there and got your things out. When my grandmother died, my mother was away on vacation. She decided to stay a few days before she came back. That was her first mistake. Meanwhile, her brother went to the bank and my grandmother's apartment and got all the things out. I didn't have sympathy for my mom when she complained because I couldn't believe she didn't get on the first plane home. I remember going to my aunt and uncle's house and seeing all of the treasures that once belonged to my grandparents. I had to ask for a cloth stuffed sailor doll that my grandparents got on a cruise on the QE2. I have it in my house now. Recently, I saw my aunt at a family function and she made a big deal about giving Breen and I a wedding present of another travel trinket from Scotland that I had always adored. Of course she didn't have it with her and all I could think was "don't bother; you should have offered to divide those things up years ago!". It was so nervy. When my grandmother was alive my mother and I saw her several times a week. My uncle and his family never made the time to visit with her.

God gave us our family; thank God we can choose our friends :))

Anonymous said...

I don't even know you, but my heart hurts for you just reading this. You have gotten so many helpful, beautiful responses, (and one not so helpful) so I don't have anything extra to add, except to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. Families are supposed to be our safe haven, the ones we can lean on in the roughest of times. But not all families work like that, and it can be a crushing blow. From what I've read of your blog, I think you are a strong person, and you and your sister will get through this together. It's good you have each other. I think it would be good for you to have your mothers ashes. Hang in there and be strong until the storm passes.

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