It's been 4 seasons, 12 months, 365 days since I lost my mom to Cancer... One year... I don't understand where the time has gone. It seems as if I was sitting at this very kitchen table just yesterday when she passed. I feel the same; the pressure on my chest, the empty feeling in my stomach, it hasn't changed in a year. Life however certainly has. I've quickly realized that my mom was the "glue" in our family. She was the matriarch, the protector, the encourager and the life force that kept this house a home. It feels very much just a house now, the feeling of home left when she did, it's now just a place to rest a tired body, and feed a hungry mouth.
Last week my sisters and I cleaned out her bedroom. It was an emotional experience. We emptied shelves of medical supplies, cleaned up linens and dusted. The three of us stood in front of her closet door, feeling almost haunted by her possessions. We reached for the handle to the door, and all decided that we just couldn't do it. I don't know if we'll ever be able to clean out her closet.
We finished dinner. We cooked some of her favourite foods, pork chops in a mushroom sauce on a bed of rice, cheesy macaroni, Cesar salad and bread pudding. We didn't discuss anything during, just enjoyed the food. We were going to have a bonfire tonight, out at my moms old fire pit, then head back to my sisters to watch the meteor shower from the pool over top of the lake, but it seems that the weather has a different set of plans for us.
I feel as if I'm dreaming. Things feel 'surreal' today. Am I really here? Is this really the turn of events of life for the past year? I have a hard time really accepting and understanding that my mom is gone, some days I even pick up the phone and start to call her. Some days I sit at the kitchen table and watch TV, keeping an ear open, listening to her quietly call my name in distress. No one answers the phone tho, and she doesn't call out to me any longer. Reality is cruel. I am told this is normal, natural, and a part of the progression of life. I should start to accept it. I have no other choice...
I keep plugging on, day after day, doing things to emotionally get me by. I keep my hands busy. Blogging, crocheting, weeding, cleaning and cooking. It helps to take my mind off things for a while. I know she is still here and with us, even if its hard to feel her presence some days.
I try to be strong and not to cry for her anymore, I know it must make her feel terribly sad and guilty that she had to leave us. I don't stand at her grave and weep, I know she isn't there. I know that she is everywhere I go. I'll see her on one of the shooting stars tonight during the meteor shower. I'll feel her spirit in the warm fall winds as they grace my skin as I'm working in her gardens. I'll see her smile whenever the baby Ksenia's face lights up with laughter when we walk in the room. When I'm in trouble I'll close my eyes and listen for her small voice. I have so many questions to ask her, so many areas of my life that I need her guidance for.
So again, as I sit here with my glass of wine, I will raise it to my mom and yours, weather they are near or far, with you or passed on, don't wait to tell them how much you love them. That motto applies for everyone, friends, family and partners. Tell them how you feel today, you may not have a tomorrow...
I miss you mom, I know you were called away on another journey, but one day our paths will meet again. Until then, I will continue to do my best to make you proud and carry on your traditions and memories. I love you mom, always.