Monday, August 11, 2008

... one year

It's been 4 seasons, 12 months, 365 days since I lost my mom to Cancer... One year... I don't understand where the time has gone. It seems as if I was sitting at this very kitchen table just yesterday when she passed. I feel the same; the pressure on my chest, the empty feeling in my stomach, it hasn't changed in a year. Life however certainly has. I've quickly realized that my mom was the "glue" in our family. She was the matriarch, the protector, the encourager and the life force that kept this house a home. It feels very much just a house now, the feeling of home left when she did, it's now just a place to rest a tired body, and feed a hungry mouth.

Last week my sisters and I cleaned out her bedroom. It was an emotional experience. We emptied shelves of medical supplies, cleaned up linens and dusted. The three of us stood in front of her closet door, feeling almost haunted by her possessions. We reached for the handle to the door, and all decided that we just couldn't do it. I don't know if we'll ever be able to clean out her closet.

We finished dinner. We cooked some of her favourite foods, pork chops in a mushroom sauce on a bed of rice, cheesy macaroni, Cesar salad and bread pudding. We didn't discuss anything during, just enjoyed the food. We were going to have a bonfire tonight, out at my moms old fire pit, then head back to my sisters to watch the meteor shower from the pool over top of the lake, but it seems that the weather has a different set of plans for us.

I feel as if I'm dreaming. Things feel 'surreal' today. Am I really here? Is this really the turn of events of life for the past year? I have a hard time really accepting and understanding that my mom is gone, some days I even pick up the phone and start to call her. Some days I sit at the kitchen table and watch TV, keeping an ear open, listening to her quietly call my name in distress. No one answers the phone tho, and she doesn't call out to me any longer. Reality is cruel. I am told this is normal, natural, and a part of the progression of life. I should start to accept it. I have no other choice...

I keep plugging on, day after day, doing things to emotionally get me by. I keep my hands busy. Blogging, crocheting, weeding, cleaning and cooking. It helps to take my mind off things for a while. I know she is still here and with us, even if its hard to feel her presence some days.

I try to be strong and not to cry for her anymore, I know it must make her feel terribly sad and guilty that she had to leave us. I don't stand at her grave and weep, I know she isn't there. I know that she is everywhere I go. I'll see her on one of the shooting stars tonight during the meteor shower. I'll feel her spirit in the warm fall winds as they grace my skin as I'm working in her gardens. I'll see her smile whenever the baby Ksenia's face lights up with laughter when we walk in the room. When I'm in trouble I'll close my eyes and listen for her small voice. I have so many questions to ask her, so many areas of my life that I need her guidance for.

So again, as I sit here with my glass of wine, I will raise it to my mom and yours, weather they are near or far, with you or passed on, don't wait to tell them how much you love them. That motto applies for everyone, friends, family and partners. Tell them how you feel today, you may not have a tomorrow...

I miss you mom, I know you were called away on another journey, but one day our paths will meet again. Until then, I will continue to do my best to make you proud and carry on your traditions and memories. I love you mom, always.

Love Bret


Anonymous said...

Jeeze, you write so beautifully. Reading this, my heart just broke open a bit.

I had no idea today was THE day.
I am so sorry, but impressed with your genuine and honest journey down that road of grief.
It takes courage, I know. And a feeling of unreality is definitely common. Reality can be so cruel and I think our minds have a sort of built-in cushioning to help us along the way.

Your mom was a beautiful woman, I just love these pics... so much life and spirit shines through.
Not a doubt in my mind that she's with you always.

And the closet will always be there...leave it. You'll know when the time is right.


Ayre said...

So much love to you today...many many many hugs. I can't know exactly how you feel but I'm thinking of you and hope I can help shoulder the burden of the grief you feel. I'm here anytime. (((((HUGS)))))

solsticedreamer said...

i'm with BSM here, your words brough tears to my eyes...i am so sorry, but your beautiful mum will be with you forever

This Guy said...

Thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support. It truly means alot to me that you visit my blog and make comments. I often have a hard time expressing how I feel vocally, and the blog has been a great outlet for me to express myself.
Thanks again! :)
Bret ;)

wellesley3 said...

bret... again another blog that has touched me deeply... i didn't know ur mom but if you're any indication of half the woman she was... she was an amazing lady. bret.. your support circle is strong and remember bud.. u will never walk alone


Sacred Suzie said...

What a beautiful post, I feel your pain and deep love for your Mom. Big but gentle hug to you. Good for you for honouring her passing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your heart - I lost my mum 13 years ago to cancer, when I was around your age.

I know that she's always with me ... sometimes she leaves little hints around to let me know she's there.

Many blissings

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