...life

It's been a particularly rough "Mercury in Retrograde" for me. More and more things have gone wrong with my car, my cell phone quit working, my laptop is toast, and I have this general sense of coming unglued at the seams... I keep looking forward, leaving the small obstacles I encounter in the past where they belong, but its difficult to keep my head up. Increasingly more difficult everyday.

I sometimes forget how precious and delicate life is, things I should be grateful for seem to get drown out by the bitter betrayals of life and easily forgotten.

I was in Food Basics tonight, a local grocery store, when I had turned around for a loaf of bread and noticed a woman in a wheelchair with her back to me. Her son was helping her find some buns on the top shelf. From behind the woman resembled my mother, a delicate frail body with the same shade of red in her hair. I had to turn and walk away, leaving behind the bread, my eyes welled up with tears.

I quickly scrambled to gather the rest of my essential groceries and wait in line to check out. I turned around quickly startled by a shattering jar in the distance and behind me was the woman in the wheelchair. I noticed she was missing both of her legs, like my mom. She had neatly rolled up her pants and tucked in the excess fabric. I slowly lifted my head but couldn't help but to make eye contact with her. She smiled and for a minuet I was lost in her kind eyes.

My eyes swelled up, and tears began to roll down my face, I made no gesture to wipe them away.

"You've lost someone close to you" she said.
"My Mom..." I struggled to reply, trying to hold back a sea of tears. "I miss her a great deal"
She smiled and said "She must have been one hell of a woman"
"Yes" I replied, "she was".
She leaned closer and put her hand on my hip, "No matter what you do, I'm sure she is still with you, just differently then you are used too".
I put my hand on hers and again struggled to speak again "I hope so".

She smiled at me, which I returned, and preceded to load my groceries on the belt for the cashier that was now waiting for me, quietly and patiently.

It would have been my Mom's 60th birthday on Monday, I miss her terribly.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her guidance and support.
I still feel her, but as the woman said, it is different now, more of a quiet whisper in a very loud room.

I rarely give myself the stillness required to hear that voice in my "busy" life. I need to make more time. I am in the process of starting to teach two yoga classes a week at our local library. I've asked for donations in the form of canned goods to be traded for classes, my mom always sent us with brown paper bags full of dry goods when our school or community had food drives. It seemed proper, to honour her memory and regain that stillness.

Life is delicate, and far too short.
Life is a gift - no matter what sort of box it comes in.

For today I am grateful for memories.
For today I am grateful for a strong mother who prepared us well for life's betrayals.
Today I am grateful.

Embrace the Journey, one day at a time.
Bret xoxo

Smiling...

A great deal goes into a smile you know... It takes 17 muscles just to make one...

I've been smiling more recently. Things are calming down at work; becoming less stressful. I haven't talked to my Dad or Sister since - obviously much less stress there... Each day I become more in tune with the rhythm of the universe. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed. In my few years on this Earth in this body I've had a hard time with this "change" not really understanding why its a necessary part of life, and of course death. I accept the change, and understand its a natural part of life... That's my new affirmation.

These are a few of the times i've smiled this week:

When I painted this beautiful Watercolour of my Grandmothers Purple Iris'


When I watch the sun set this weekend on the beach, so still and quiet


The day I discovered and purchased this amazing piece of Amethyst and meditated all night

"Wing fest" at my sisters house... (We cooked over 250 wings)
I had JUST as many beers too! ;)

I've got to get back to discovering what makes me smile, rather than what makes me frown. Who the hell wants to spend life using all those muscles to frown (43 so I'm told) when you can take the lazy way out and smile! ;)

What makes YOU smile?

Embrace the Journey
Bret

Missing Her...

Today was the 2nd anniversary of my Mom's passing. My sister Leslie and I decided to have a quiet dinner at her house, it was nice. It hurt not being able to go to the family home for her anniversary, but I've come to realize that memories travel, they are not confined to buildings of wood and plaster.

It's been a rough month, if something could go wrong, it has. There have been issues at work, failing brakes on my car (luckily no one was in front of me), ugly family fights, and just a general missing of my Mom. These are the times when I need my Mom, I still feel her around, often smelling her Channel No. 5, it's just not the same, but I am thankful to have anything left.

My mom was always there for me. Always. She was the one I could depend on. Sometimes that's reversed for people, but not for me. She was always there for advice, comfort, to boost my self esteem and so much more, she really came through for us, and in the end we came through for her too. I just wish she was still here to sort out all my problems and to reassure me that things will be okay - even if they are out of my hands.

I guess I know all that, she prepared us well - but sometimes I get lost on my path, she was the light.

It's 10pm now, and I am physically and emotionally drained - so I am off for a hot bath, then into bed. Hope everyone had a great day.

Blessings.
Embrace the Journey,
Bret

...in the Storm

First... Thank you for the kind, warm, and supporting comments that everyone has left. I feel truly privileged to have such an amazing group of blogging friends!

I am sitting on the couch tonight, in the dark. The gale force winds, barrage of lighting, and torrential down pouring of rain has knocked out my power and I sit here only illuminated by the glow of my laptop screen and the flashes of light through my living room windows.

My heart this past week has felt very much like the storm outside. The uncontrolled pounding of fury has gotten the better of me on more than one occasion, but nevertheless I am on the mend. This journey of mine has certainly taken me through hell and back yet still, I feel blessed to have the memories that I do have - I realize there are others who have nothing.

The rain beats against the glass paned windows and I can see the silhouette of my cat peering down at the flooded street below whenever lighting strikes. He's not afraid of the stormy weather, and he inspires me not to be either. For even though lighting sometimes strikes, eventually the clouds do part and the sun does again shine.

I've done a great deal of self reflection in the past few days, accompanied by some deep soul searching. Again I come to realize there is little I can do to change the course of events that the universe throws at me, and even less I can do to change another. I can only make changes in my own thoughts and hope my actions will follow. When it boils down to it, there isn't a hell of alot that can be done otherwise.

The other morning I woke up still whimpering from a dream. I was in our family home, and my mom's cat "Kitsey" jumped up on the kitchen counter and said my name. I was baffled that the cat could speak until my mom announced that she was speaking threw the cat. She asked me what was happening, each word forced as it seemed it was a struggle for her to speak threw the animal. I had explained, and she nodded in disappointment. She listened to me talk for a few minuets then told me she had to go. Before you leave, I said, what can I do to make you proud? "Live" she replied. So here I am living... It's all any of us can do.

Sitting here in the dark I can only wonder what is next for me.
Until then, Embrace the Journey.
Bret

when the glue fails...

Mom was the Glue, she always was. Our family lost its glue nearly 2 years ago, and things have been falling apart ever since...

My Dad decided he is moving some whore into the house. Yup, I said it, whore... She has different motives, we can tell. I overheard her say in a conversation to my dad "I am not trying to win any sort of step mother of the year award, no one is going to tell me what to do". That when I decided it was time to fight back. My sisters and I went into the house and started to clear out all of our possessions, we decided not to leave anything of ours in the house.. Who knows, Ontario law states after 6 months of living together and they are common law married and we loose all claim.

We tried to talk reason into my dad, but he wouldn't hear any of it. Now that hes found his new Whore he basically wants nothing to do with us... Oh did I mention he thinks its okay to have sex with this woman, in my moms bedroom (the room she passed away in) while her ashes are hidden in a drawer instead of on her dresser? Ya, that's what I am dealing with. We were removing our things, and everything was fine, until my little sister took her and my moms special collection of Christmas snowmen. My older sister wanted them, just to hurt my younger sister - she has been trying to hurt us for years. Shari, my older sister didn't say anything until the next day when we found that she had taken my 1/2 my moms China set of dishes that were already promised to my little sister Leslie.

It's always been Leslie and I against Shari and Dad. They are so much alike, both the most ignorant, hurtful, violent people I have ever met. She uses abortion as a form of control against her husband. She is sick. Found out recently that my Dad was a wife beater. It only adds fuel to my fire. The day ended in fist fights, words I am not proud of saying, and a total and complete severing in the family. It was long overdue.

We removed 99% of our stuff from the house, and if I never set foot in there again I am happy. I am still going back for the rest of my sisters dishes. After I've gotten the rest of our things we've decided to burn the rest of the furniture so there is nothing left. Figured if Dad wants to start over, he should do it right.

What makes people turn on each other? Is it money? Greed? Jealousy? I just don't get it. What makes people so inconsiderate that they trample on the emotions of others. I can't for the life of me understand a woman (who apparent has been in love with my dad since she was 12) that would want to come into a house, 2 years later, and have sex in the bed where my mother had died. Do people not have any self respect at all?

I am so happy that the universe keeps a balance.
I am so happy that everyone in time receives their Karma.

I am literally exhausted. I need to sleep. I've been dealing with all this, trying to work all this out in my head - hoping it will make sense, but it just doesn't. I am at a loss of what to do next. I can't talk to my dad, it just ends literally in a fist fight. I want to kill my older sister, literally. I hope she drives her car off a cliff. I think there is one of these in every family...

Anyways, I am off to bed.
Embracing an Axe.
Bret

Sacred Sunday ... Baking with Grams

There are many things to me that are sacred, most relate to my childhood, at a time when I felt safe, complete and greatly loved. Before I knew what paying bills was all about, or the sadness caused by death and great loss, and long before my first broken heart, I was carefree, when the only disappointment was sleeping in too late on a Saturday morning and missing a Scooby doo episode.

This is the period in my life that shaped the man I am today, the good and bad. Time spent with my Mother and Grandmother, sacred time, memories that I cherish because they are all I have left. Time is cruel, only moving forward, never letting us revisit the past, like an hourglass glued to the table.

We had my Uncles 65th birthday yesterday, a family reunion, at my Aunt and Uncles farm in the Country, it felt incomplete. The family; separated by death, divorce and feuding. My grandmother was the glue, the matriarch of our family, the one who organized Christmas', birthdays and picked me up that one time I ran away from home. When my grandmother took ill the responsibility naturally passed to my mother, only a daughter-in-law, but too my grams so much more. Since my moms passing two years ago I've tried my best to fill the gaps left behind. Planning family dinners, quilting blankets for the baby, working in the flower beds, doing my best to honor them both everyday, in the traditions in which they raised me. I miss them terribly.

I was always taught to be a grateful guest and never arrive empty handed. My Aunt was having the celebration catered, but my sister and I told her that we would also bring some deserts as well. My younger sister Leslie baked 50 'butter tarts', one of Grams most favourite recipes. I spent Saturday morning baking as well and made 6 pies; 2 Graham Wafer, 2 Field Berry, and 2 Lemon Meringue. I have my Grandmothers crystal flour, sugar and tea canisters, and her talent for pastry. When I bake I feel her in the room with me, often catching a whiff of her "Explanation" perfume.

Here are some pictures from my morning of baking:

Getting the Dough Ready for the Pie Crusts

Lining the Bake Pans with the Dough

Field Berry (Bumble Berry Pie) Filled with Strawberries, Raspberries
Blackberries, Blueberries and Rhubarb.

The Meringue Pies Browning up in the Oven

The Thin Coat of Flour on my Kitchen Floor!
Yes, I am a messy baker ;)

The pies were a hit and my uncles said they tasted just like my Grandmothers. In no time at all the butter tarts and pies were gone, leaving some of the birthday cake untouched. I felt honored to carry on one of my Grandmothers traditions. I am thankful for my Aunt who planned the occasion, its hard to get together these days.

My Great Aunts came too. It was hard, they look so much like my Grandmother, and sound just like her too. I found myself closing my eyes while they spoke, pretending I was listening to my Grams, seeing her face in my mind. Tears that somehow found their way past my tightly closed eyelids were quickly brushed away and went unnoticed. All in all, it was a wonderful day.

Now for me, I better get back to scrubbing the dried pastry and flour off the kitchen floor, I've had the floor damp now for a good hour so it shouldn't be too difficult, I hope!

Embracing the Journey, and a bucket of suds.
Bret

This House Is Clean

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments, advice and such - it is greatly appreciated!

I've now been able to cleanse the lamp, and the rest of the house. It's not like the energy of the lamp was bad, or evil, more of a pain in the butt! If I wanted the lamp off, she wanted it on, if she wanted it on, I wanted it off. I hope I've at least appeased her spirit, or energy, and helped it move on to another journey.

The cat wasn't freaked out at all, he made no ill motions, or odd behavioral changes when I brought the lamp in so I knew the energy wasn't harmful, just playful.

I would LOVE to know who the "she" was behind the lamp, in the upcoming days to weeks I hope to get in some good investigation time, talk to the lady who sold me the lamp, and consort with a friend of mine who is a talented clairvoyant to see if she picks up anything I've missed.
Until then, I am just going to keep an eye out for any odd movements from the lamp.

If anyone knows a source where you can send in pictures of antiques and have someone in the field respond with some information I'd be grateful for a link or e-mail address. I would really like to know the origin of the lamp, and I hope there is some sort of online "Antiques Roadshow" out there where I can submit pictures...

Anywho, its pouring rain here, and the cat and I have decided it would be a wonderful day to lay in bed and watch movies, so here we are! ;)

Embracing the Journey, and my pillow.
Bret =)

The Lamp that Satan Built ...An Update and Video

So I have an update for everyone who is wondering, and it gets pretty interesting...

For the last couple of days not only myself, but visiting friends have witnessed the odd behavior of this lamp. Turning off and on, being unplugged and on one occasion being turned 90 degrees clockwise leaving scratches on top of my fireplace mantle. Early into the morning today, I woke up for a bathroom break (not unusual at all) and thought I saw an elderly woman sitting on my couch. Having crusty eyes, and a foggy brain I kept walking past the living room into the bathroom. It wasn't until I was comfortably seated until I realized what I *think* I saw, I am still not 100% sure.

Otherwise I slept OK, I think it was just the light of the full moon that was disturbing my sleep the last couple of days. The feeling in my apartment has been reasonably peaceful (for me at least) however couple of friends have noticed a shift in the energy, and the air feeling a bit thicker and heavier. I do agree with all your comments that a GOOD cleansing is in need.

I am thinking that the energy of the woman who must have owned this lamp is still attached, and she must be having difficult time with the move and someone else now owning one of her possessions. I am going to burn some sweet grass first to appease the energy, try talking to the spirit as odd as that may sound to some, I am hoping we can come to an understanding rather than "bicker" as to weather the lamp should be on or off ha-ha. If that doesn't work the lamp is getting a vinegar wash down and smudged with a sage stick and sea salts.

I've downloaded a program too to make my webcam on my laptop act like a motion sensing video camera, I think I will set it up tonight, facing the lamp and see what I get... Should be interesting.

Anywho, I am off!
Embrace the journey,
Bret

** Update **

Alrighty folks, here is the video!
I had to go out to go out and get a few things from the grocery store, so I figured what the hell, I'll set up my laptop quick on the bench in front of my couch and see if I catch anything, here is what I've got:

The video is 1:38 mins long and was activated by some sort of movement in video frame, however I didn't see anything that moved.

0:25 - Light turns on
1:00 - Lamp makes a sharp movement towards my picture frames, then several smaller and more gentle movements WHILE turning again.
1:17 - Light goes off

So there you have it. What do you think? When I walked in the door and saw it had moved I almost pee'd myself with excitement, the cat was sleeping on my bed, so he didn't notice anything, however I am pretty confident that something is going on here... Getting the sweet grass out tonight for sure! People wonder why I am scared of the dark hahahaha.

Embrace the Journey,
Bret

a LITTLE freaked out!!

What started off as an awful day of Garage Sales, turned into a unique find. Just about when my sister and I were going to give up, and call it a day, this lamp caught my eye. I figured it would be pretty expensive, as it looks to be somewhat of an antique so I tried not to show any interest in it at first. I browsed around at other knickknacks, and after a few minuets of watching it out of the corner of my eye an elderly woman approached me and asked me if anything had caught my attention. I responded by saying that the lamp was quite interesting and how much she was asking for it, I was preparing myself to bargain with this woman when she said $5. Ummmm, Five Dollars I asked? Yes, five, she replied. Sold! I was honestly expecting her to ask $50-$75 for this lamp, and I was hoping to get it for $40.

My sister was amazed, as I picked up the lamp. The lady said it worked just fine, but it didn't come with a bulb, but she would be more than happy to fetch one for me, I declined as I had just bought some new bulbs, and she proceeded to engage in small talk. I asked where the lamp had came from, as I'd never seen anything quite like it, and she said she didn't know, that she was selling it on behalf of a friend. I didn't think much of it, until last night when I got home.

I walked into my apartment, around 3am, and the lamp was lit. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I thought that I had turned it off before I left for the day, I didn't know how well it was wired and didn't want any over heating, or fire related issues with it. I switched the light off and went to bed. I slept horribly, tossing and turning, hearing pacing in the hall, voices... I didn't think much of it, as I live in a turn of the century Victorian Home with other renters to the side and below me. I did go out to the living room once to see if the TV was on, the Cat has been known to sit on the remote with his big ass and turn on the news, but nothing was out of place.

It's been an "eerie" day here today, not being able to put my finger on exactly what, until I went to switch on the light around 8:30pm tonight. It wasn't working, odd, it was working last night when I got home. Immediately I thought it was a burnt bulb, but realized it was new, so with my hands I carefully traced the cord behind my fireplace, looking for loose, burnt or frayed wires. When I came to the end of the cord, I realized the lamp was not plugged in. Odd I thought, but again didn't think much of it as I might have pulled it out when I relocated my laptop this afternoon. I plugged my lamp in, switched it off and admired its unique beauty while I brewed a pot of Earl Grey tea. On returning from the kitchen to the living room, tea pot in hand I was greeted by a dark lamp. It had been turned off, and GET THIS, unplugged as well...

So here I sit, with my cup of tea, next to this lamp, wondering if its haunted, and if she priced it at $5 because it was frigging haunted! I guess I will have to see what happens in the next few days, only time will tell. Stay tuned!

Embracing the Journey, my pillow, the Cat, and a Knife...
Bret xoxo

Religious Intolerance... and the journey of frank

So... I'm pretty pissed off...

While at work today, I was tipped off by a few my management that my Buddha statue, which sits on my desk, was creating QUITE the controversy. Buddha I thought? Controversy? JeeeWizz, that just doesn't sound like the Buddha I know! Usually you find Buddha under his tree meditating, searching for enlightenment. He can also be found teaching peace, love, kindness and tolerance, so when I heard the office gossip I was shocked!

I work in a Support Center, for a very popular computer manufacturer. The floor plan is extremely open concept, and there are about 80 people, neatly tucked into rows that surround my desk, next to a popular coaching/meeting room. Apparently "someone", not from my team, but from another managers team has been making complaints that my Buddha statue is inappropriate, and upsets them as a Christian person. Apparently their faith is so strong, and they have so much trust in their God that no one else should be allowed to think differently, that there is no room for other teachers in the realm of "religion" other than their messiah Jesus Christ.

Thats when I took a big shit in my pants... Leave it to a Christian to shout religious intolerance, I am just upset I didn't have anything pagan at my desk today, I would have been a rather lovely day for a witch burning.

So, Buddha and I have decided that its 2009, not 563BC and he needs to acclimate to today's society.

Everyone, please say a warm hello to Frank:


Frank is an e-mail support agent, he likes long walks on the beach, enjoys some yoga here and there, and drives a VW Bug. He's funny, smart and most certainly NOT controversial. With his mouse in hand he can process 15 customers e-mails an hour, while rocking out to his favorite Taylor Smith album. The note on his chest says "Hi, My Name Is: Frank". No controversial here people, keep the line moving. Ohhhh, no no, that's not Buddha, that's Frank, he moved over from the Dispatch Department last week.

So far, so good. No one has blew his cover yet. Keep your fingers crossed for us please.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Embrace the Journey,
Bret and Frank